Episode 5 Survivor: Bachelorette Edition

Welcome to Chiang Mai rose lovers, Ashley and 11 self-loathing guys. Here’s hoping this week’s episode is livelier than the last. Brainiac Ames provides background on Chiang Mai via handicam:

Temples! Monks! Ashley! A perfect place to fall in love! Ames loves Chiang Mai!

Off to a promising start.

…and then the first mention of Bentley in yet another episode he is not even in. UGH.

Smoke Monster prevails; promising start comment redacted.

Let’s Fall in Love in Chiang Mai: Ben F

Boy they are really getting creative with these date names.

Ben F emerged from the house with hair looking more Josh Groban-y than ever. The guys huddled on the veranda to watch the pair depart for their date.

Ashley spoke as cryptically as the ancient temples: “There is a mutual attraction but it has not yet been spoken.”

Ben said j’adorable things like…

There’s a 100% chance that Ashley will get kissed today.

I’ll hold these [painted fans] so I can hold your hand.

We can’t…but I’m thinking it. *Mental  kiss*

So he is basically the anti-Bentley. This was a great date all around, but especially the cool dinner setup encircled by intricate flower designs and candles. Did you spot the hidden Mickeys? It was a beautiful outdoor dinner presentation that even Ashley’s tragic onesie could not ruin.

Ben revealed that his father passed away 4 and a half years ago, but he is no longer an emotional zombie and is now mature enough to take down the emotional walls he had built up. Ding ding ding! We have a winner. As Thai dancers surrounded the two, they kissed as if they had been at a sacred temple all day where they were not allowed to and Ashley intoned in voiceover “There is so much passion between us.” This was accented by the FI-YAH portion of the Thai dance routine. Rose, natch.

Love is Worth Fighting For: Group Date

…but is it worth dying for? We were about to find out, as the oft-shown shot of the man in pink being carted off on a gurney was obviously right around the corner.

Sure Ashley, I believe you when you say things like “I didn’t think it would be such a bloody fight.” Honestly producers, this idea was second only to the roast in stupidity. Well, first if you count physical over emotional harm.

Ashley “Hey Guys!” Herbert and the guys take a tiny trolley to observe Muay Thai fighters. That is, until Chris Harrison drops the bomb that they will actually be participating. Oh great. Some are more enthused than others:

Lucas: I’ve been in a couple street fights (How did you slip through the intense ABC interrogation I mean interview process? Did Drunk Tim sneak you in?)

Ames: I’ve never been in a fight in my life. There’s always another answer to violence.

Uh oh.

The men are presented with new boxing gear. Ames is “too polite” and waits for everyone else to pick their favorite color, so Captain Brainiac is stuck with the ill-fated hot pink ensemble.

Double uh oh.

Now that the men have had an introductory class [read: suffered a beating and sweated off half their body weight] they must fight each other.

Well that sounds logical, I mean what could possibly go wrong encouraging a bunch of stir crazy competitors to act on their worst impulses. Whatever- don’t think, just fight!

Blake vs. Lucas

Blake: I want to prove I’m more than just a dentist.

Sigh, remember when just being a dentist was enough?

Surprisingly Blake the dentist won- and more surprisingly everyone in the episode kept all of their teeth.

JP vs. Mickey

JP: If I end up taking a beating, I’ll take it like a man. There’s no crying in Muay Thai!

Initially it looked like Mickey was just beating JP mercilessly. Ashley is distraught. Not the MVP kisser! JP is small but scrappy and pulls an upset without smashing Mickey’s beautiful face. JP takes the opportunity to point out the Jew from Long Island beat the Irishman from Cleveland. There’s no stereotyping on the Bachelorette!

Ames vs. Ryan

Thanks to the exhaustive advertising leading up to this week, we all knew what was coming. Fortunately, it was not actually as traumatic as we were led to believe. Ames has never taken a punch and is a bit skittish- and more importantly, not protecting his beautiful mind! Didn’t he remember Sinbad’s Oscar-worthy boxing lesson in First Kid? Sunshine Ryan lands a few good punches and defeats a staggering, stunned Ames.

Nick vs. Constantine

The heavyweights. Constantine wins over the personal trainer. I am surprised. None of the guys I thought would win their matches did. Good thing I didn’t put any money down…as I am usually wont to do with Muay Thai boxing.

Ashley and the guys notice Ames is not his usual articulate, fully-functioning self and Ashley hails a minivan masquerading as a Thai ambulance to take him to a hospital. Ames climbed calmly into the trunk and everyone yelled “Goodbye Ames!”

It was much less dramatic than editing suggested.

Later that evening…

Morale is low. Ames’ absence is noticeable and everyone is concerned about his condition. The guys are trying to impress Ashley with their battle scars. Then surprise! Ames waltzes into the outdoor living area/fire pit. YAY! He laughs it off: “It was just a mild concussion.” Ames made it alright, but when talking to Ashley reverts to Drunk Tim and is unable to formulate any thoughts.

Blake pulls Ashley aside for some one-on-one time and they share their first kiss.

Ashley: We have potential.

Blake: I would whole-heartedly agree. You put a smile on my face. [A perfect veneer smile.]

Their connection (and conversation) is much more cerebral than passionate, but that’s fine with Blake: Love is a marathon. Immediate passion is fleeting. He’s looking for a “romantic undertone” and came off a tad needy in my opinion, but honestly in this type of situation, I’d imagine it would be hard to come off looking ‘normal.’ Rose for Blake.

Lucas enjoyed the fighting but confessed he was a golfer. He brings up Bentley Smoke Monster- UGH- as being Ashley’s type. Ashley scratches her neck nervously.

The night ends with a cheers to Ames “for being a good sport”…and living! Another successful group date.

Guide Me to Love: 2 on 1

I wouldn’t have guessed it, but producers managed to pit two as-yet-unknown enemies against each other on a Thunderdome date. Apparently Ben C’s piano playing grates on William’s nerves…just as William being himself grates on everyone else’s – including Ben C.

The three raft down a river with elephants like a real-life recreation of the Jungle Cruise.

William warns viewers: This date can get me back on track with Ashley. I’m going to take down Ben C at all costs. It’s not going to be pretty.

Before Ben C can get in a single word, William steals Ashley away and tried to frame Ben as the second coming of Bentley, bragging to other housemates how he can’t wait to get back home to play the field and online date. [Sidenote: who brags about online dating??] Ashley takes William’s word at face value and cuts Ben on the spot.

I thought this was incredibly stupid of Ashley because:

1.       I like Ben C

2.       What William was saying did not seem consistent with Ben’s personality

3.       William is a self-confessed ’30-year-old boy’ and into playing games

4.       Editing suggested that William would have said anything to get Ben out of there [i.e. lie]

Ashley and William go to dinner on what has become a one-on-one date but can not recapture the spark they had in Vegas after William’s disastrous roast. Loved Ashley’s red and black dress; it looked fabulous as she banished William the Two-Faced and burned the rose. William was escorted to the reject limo and didn’t want to go on living: I’m returning to nothing. It’s a black hole. I want to curl up in bed and not wake up.

Parting shot of Ashley walking away from the dinner. If I were her, I would have finished a la Sherlock Holmes. This is probably why I’m not the Bachelorette. Yeah, that’s it.

Mixer

Ashley sported a weird bouffant/half-ponytail/half-down do. Ryan was babbling on about feeling elation ‘like a rocketship’ and other nice guy things; Ashley could not look more bored. I liked Mickey and Constantine’s go-to rose ceremony outfits, vest and lime green shirt respectively. Hey if it ain’t broke…Constantine tells the guys he can’t see Ashley as his wife right now and although this is probably a valid rationalization, it ruffles some feathers. In every cutaway shot, Ames still looks like he is not all there, which made me wonder how long the effects of a concussion last. According to Wikipedia, concussion symptoms may not subside completely for three weeks.

JP: What’s going on in that head of yours [Ashley]?

Ashley: I’m still thinking about Bentley. UGH. Closure, blablabla.

Debriefing with Chris Harrison

Ashley is still thinking about Smoke Monster and requests that he be brought there. She is haunted by the ‘dot dot dot…’ speech. Chris Harrison puts on his sternest ‘Girl please’ face. No, she insists she needs closure to move on and worries about being alone. Chris H: [Sigh] Well I’m not going to make any promises, but we’ll see what we can do. UGH

Rose Ceremony

Ashley’s new mantra is ‘Be honest with me.’ So basically she likes guys who treat her badly. Bentley, William the Two-Faced and…

Constantine- who admitted he felt closer to the guys than he did to Ashley

Streetfight Golfer
MVP Kisser
Ames aka Googly Eyes

Mickey- the resident Bradley Cooper, skating by on his looks

Ryan

Nick goes back to Florida.

Ashley “Hey Guys!” catchphrase count this week: 6.

Next Week

Down to 8 guys and on to Hong Kong!

Something is telling Ashley’s brain Bentley is the one. UGH

Ashley tells the guys Smoke Monster is back in the picture and they turn on her: You lied to us!!! How can you date yet another guy?? That’s not how this show works! Oh wait…

Buy stock in Kleenex because there will be crying. And crying. And then just a little more crying.