Episode 10: Men Tell All

Meh. This episode just wasn’t juicy enough, which is strange considering how much drama this season has produced. It would have been a completely different show had Bentley bothered to show up. But he didn’t.

Things we learned:

The guys DO NOT like The Mask, Ryan or William

Drunk Tim is actually rather charming. When he is not Drunk Tim.

Ryan read books, took pages AND PAGES of notes about marriage questions and kept a journal throughout this journey. Stop snickering guys- I read BOOKS, Chris!!

Nick is remarkably outspoken.

Constantine says maybe two words and doesn’t even score his own interview in the hot seat…and he walked off the show! That is ripe for discussion Chris Harrison; inquiring B fans want to know.

The Ben C/William feud was revisited. William would not do anything differently and tries to position his actions as noble and “informing” Ashley. The guys are not having it. William’s accent is more pronounced or bothers me more this episode. Just when you think the guys are really going to roast William, he somehow manages to make everyone feel bad for him and Chris Harrison concludes, “You’ve learned a life lesson.”

Nick the Personal Trainer isn’t letting Will off that easily: Why do you think you’re here?

Will: Why are any of us here? We can’t find a girl to date us.

LOL Line of the night.

Ames gets the pimp spot. The women go crazy. He is wearing a purple polo and jeans unlike all the other rubes in suits. Even with a concussion, he is overly polite. Elevator kiss!! Footage of other men impersonating Ames suggests he may be a robot. He says nothing in his interview to dispel this theory. Ames remains as complimentary as ever and wishes Ashley well, stating he learned a lot from the experience. Good, because you sure aren’t going to learn anything on Bachelor Pad. Chris Harrison gifts Ames the cursed hot pink boxing gloves as a memento of his love-concussion.

The show ended on a really cool note: with an auction of The Mask’s mask for charity. It raised……drum roll………..$2000 for the orphanage the guys built/renovated in episode 4! Way to go!

Episode 9: R.O.D.s

Romantic Overnight Dates, that is. Well rose lovers, we are almost at the end of our magical journey. The top three are whisked away to Savusavu, Fiji. Just the name suggests nothing bad could happen here. And then the Bachelorette cameras rolled up. Viewers are teased with a jilted bachelor returning for a second chance for Ashley’s affections. We see a flash of mandals, a plaid shirt- Ames?- and finally, a face: it is everyone’s favorite high-spirited solar energy exec: Ryan.

Boy Ryan has been mulling this over; he is full of questions!

Do you feel like I do?

Do you regret cutting me??

Is there love to be had???

!!!!

Ben

These are great questions, but right now it’s time to snorkel with Ben. Ah, Ashley’s relationship with Ben is so effortless, so fun, so impossibly windy. Both Ben and Ashley struggle to keep their locks under control in the near-hurricane level winds.

Ashley: He looks great, I feel great. It’s like we’re on our honeymoon!

But you’re not...Sinners!

As Ben and Ashley are “applying sunscreen” I wonder if I am old enough to be watching this show. And things only get steamier when Chris Harrison, that rascally devil, presents the couple with a Fantasy Suite Card ™ and the opportunity to “forgo [their] separate rooms.”

Of course they take it. No guy would turn down an insecure girl throwing herself at him. Although I have to give Ben props for lifting Ashley out of the infinity pool and carrying her back into the private bungalow aaand cut to black! That was pretty hot.

Constantine

Hm, brief notes on Constantine. He is so uninterested in Ashley it’s not even funny. He IS excited to ride in a helicopter though. WOOHOO! Wait, who is that standing on shore? It’s Ryan! Hi Ryan! Constie and Ashley jump off a waterfall and live. Constie looked at 108 (!) houses before buying, so Ashley questions whether he is at a place where he can have a serious relationship, i.e. beyond the ‘house-shopping’ stage. She wants to close this deal dangit. But Constie shows superhuman restraint- or solid values…next Bachelor anyone?- when the Fantasy Suite Card ™ comes into play.

Constantine: I respect you, I respect myself, I respect my family and ultimately your family too much to force anything. I know what the Fantasy Suite ™ implies and if I wasn’t in love, I was not going to take advantage of it.

Wow! I was really impressed with such an integrity move. On the Bachelorette of all places! He is only the second in the franchise’s history to decline since Shannon way back on Season One with Alex Michel…before we all knew what the Fantasy Suite ™ implied. Boom chicka wah wah!

Ryan

After Constie throws in the towel, Ashley promptly marches over to Ryan’s bungalow. I thought she was just going to swap them out, but Ash ends up giving Ryan the boot. He handles it with great aplomb, but we expect nothing less of our unfailingly polite solar exec. He and Ames are about as gracious as they come.

JP

Helicopter to private island. JP’s waiting for everything to be right when he says those three little words. When Ashley looks at him, she feels like she could smile forever. Twu luv! Of course they take the Fantasy Suite ™ because they have crazy-mad chemistry.

Constie self-termed so we have a showdown between Ben and JP. High noon. Savusavu Corral. May the best man win.

Episode 8: Home Fries

Ah, we finally make it to the crucial hometown dates. Sure Ashley likes you, but what happens if you have a taxidermy-enthusiast dad (Kirk) or you are primed to take over the family morgue business (Shawntel)? Removed from closed-set tropical locales and plopped back down into ‘real-life’ can turn into a sink or swim situation. Fortunately, all of the guys swam like Michael Phelps, BUT the award for the Most Fun Family Ever goes to…

Constantine: Cumming, GA

Constie takes our tiny dancer to Giorgio’s [Eat at Giorgio's!] where they prepare a pizza together and Constantine shows more personality in this one scene than he has all season. “Is it getting a little cheesy in here?” Yes it is…and I love it! All of the Giorgio waitresses take a page from every rom-com worth its salt and huddle around the window watching Constie and his galpal share lunch- and a kiss or two. Aw!

Ash meets the family and wants to move in [I do too!] but she hasn’t seen nothing yet because suddenly a flood of aunts, uncles, cousins, et al come pouring through the door a la My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Then they start dancing and patriarch Demetri starts throwing money in the air. Opa! On a more serious note, Father Demetri advises Constantine to look to him and his mother as an example. “We’ve had our ups and downs, but in the beginning it should be perfect. Don’t rush into anything.”

Then a kiss goodnight on the lawn…whoops, the entire family was watching. Embarrassing for mere mortals, but in BacheloretteLand this is small potatoes- last week’s episodes totaled 7.7 million viewers. Ashley lerved Constantine’s clan and could see why he was so big on family: she is twitterpated (Constie-pated?) with her Greek god. Constantine however, remains skeptical but figures everything happens for a reason. Ash passed the Mom Test: she was comfortable with the family and Mama Giorgio wants to make her an honorary Greek.

Ames: Chadd’s Ford, PA

Ashley reminds us for the zillionth time how “unique” Ames is and she is curious to see the environment he grew up in that made him so unique. That environment is a Ralph Lauren advertisement come to life, apparently. Horse-drawn carriages, picnics, indoor pools and plaid. So much plaid!

Although Ben has been getting all the screen time as Contestant with Tragic Past, Ames has weathered his own personal losses. His dad died when he was only 10 and then his stepfather died of cancer. He attended boarding school in high school and apparently was a “bad student” [I do not believe this] After a tete-a-tete with his sis in a library rivaling the one in Beauty and the Beast, Ames decides to step up the romance and steals away with Ashley for a private picnic and lecture on sprezzatura. Then there was a kiss…that was more fizzle than sizzle. :/ Oh well, Ash passed the family test.

Ben: Sonoma, CA

Following the picnic theme, Ben broke out some of his own wine [straight from the barrel- cool!] and took Ashley on a picnic to review family names. He has only brought home two other girls, so Ash is a little nervous. Ben: “I’m confident in us.” 

His sister is one of his best friends and he would not consider marrying someone Mom and Sis don’t approve of. At first Sis is skeptical and- of course- protective, but this devolves into a crying fest when Ben says he should have been a better son after his father passed away. Mom reassured him that Dad would be proud of him and Ben admits he is more in touch with his emotional side, which he [for better or worse] credits to Ashley. A teary Ben tells the camera there are times when he wished his Dad could see what’s happening, but he can’t. L I can relate Ben…Meanwhile I was also wondering: Do they bring in interior designers or the set decorator to the hometowns because all of the family’s houses look gorgeous.

JP: Roslyn, NY

Roller skating! Power ballads! Wine in paper cups! How fun was this? I LOVED the roller skating rink in Modesto and attended many a birthday party there before it was torn down.

JP’s family was mostly concerned that JP is overly vulnerable and open to the possibility of proposing. His last girlfriend sounded like a real doozy- and maybe cheated on him? Something worse?- mostly the family’s goal was to prevent this from happening ever again. They say they don’t want him to be traumatized any more, yet they bring out the life-size Doogie Howser bar mitzvah picture. Ash is smitten with JP and JP’s family loves her.

Debriefing with Chris Harrison

According to Ashley, she:

Found “more depth” with Constantine. (?)

Thought Ames would be the best husband.

Saw a more emotional side of Ben.

Fell in love with JP’s family.

The debriefing session ended with a reminder of this season’s catchphrase which we haven’t heard in a while: No regrets Chris!

Rose Ceremony

Ugh, why must the guys be brought back together after hometown dates? Can’t they just live in their own little bubbles? Did Ben straighten his hair? Ames elects for another light suit. Constie wins this week’s fashion pick for a bold coral buttondown.

Roses for:

Ben

JP

Constantine*

Ames was super confused and saddened that he fell in love with someone who did not fall in love with him. Parting words: “It was more poetic than I’d ever imagined.”

*Considering Ashley’s maturity level…and that next week is the romantic overnight dates…and that she constantly describes Constantine as physically ideal, when it came down to Ames vs. Constie this was kind of a no-brainer. Ames got a concussion for you Ashley!

Brad and Emily Update

Sadly, these two crazy kids- well one crazy kid and one Old Man River- couldn’t buck the low Bachelor success rate and succumbed to the pressures and negative attention that come with fifteen minutes of fame. A teary, solo Emily rehashed the causes to Chris Harrison and explained that her want for marriage overshadowed the realities of the relationship. They both had high expectations of each other and were used to being single and operating according to their own schedule. Emily believes that a marriage should last forever and there were differences that were just beyond their control. “You want to believe if you love each other, it will be enough but that is not always the case.” From the fairytale proposal to a worst nightmare, paparazzi and tabloids’ incessant speculating were a catalyst to Brad and Emily’s breakup. Brad and Emily are still close and text every day. Brad is extremely protective of Emily and neither had an unkind word to say about each other. I really wanted it to work out for them! Should Emily be the next Bachelorette? Would the third time be a charm for Brad? Should they just disregard all decorum and join the Bachelor Pad crew? Stay tuned…

Episode 7: Taiwan, Hidden Jewel of Asia

Let Your Love Light Shine: Constie

Ashley and Constie take a romantic train ride through the natural beauty of Taiwan to a charming little town that is celebrating a lantern festival. People write their wishes on lanterns and release them into the sky to come true. Ashley insists on calling it a ‘love wish’ and pushes Constantine for any wedding bells in the near future: Should we draw rings? A family? Longevity? Let’s be realistic, how about just a miniscule amount of self-respect intact after this crazy process? NO IT’S A LOVE WISH!!! Anywho, the resulting effect of so many lanterns floating through a still sky looked exactly like the love scene from Tangled- a Disney film natch- and it was incredibly magical, a visual representation of hope.

It was the most romantic thing Constie had ever seen and he was so moved he “was open to the idea of loving Ashley.” He’s ready to share his life with ‘someone’ and has never been happier.

One on One: Ben

Outdoor date chock-full of mopeds, suspension bridges, hiking and picnicking. Beep beep!

Then off to dinner. Ashley made a vast improvement from the tragic onesie with a kelly green one-shoulder blouse and kicky black skirt. I don’t remember what Ben wore in this episode, but it was probably as quirky as Ames is “unique.” In fact, we saw another costume change because- surprise!- this somehow turned into an overnight date, although Ben deflects Lucas’ questioning with "There was no physical activity and we had separate rooms." But did they actually stay in their separate rooms? Million dollar question. Only Chris Harrison knows. And that rascally holder of the Fantasy Suite ™ card keys never tells. Details be damned!  JP could care less about details. He doesn’t want to hear anything and he is MAD. JP SMASH!

Meanwhile…Ryan finally gets his first one on one date card:

“There’s so much energy running through me!” …solar energy?

Group Date: Wedding Photos

JP, Lucas and Ames get dragged on this torturous idea of a date. I’m going to go out on a limb and say most guys probably don’t even like taking REAL engagement photos, much less pretend ones with two romantic rivals watching. What is it with this girl and wedding prep? Just do something normal and put the guys out of their misery. Lucas and Ashley pose in traditional Taiwanese wedding clothes. Ames  and Ash go retro in 80’s duds. Sulky JP rocks a tuxedo and his mood brightens momentarily.

The only memorable thing about the drinks and hors d’oeuvres following the photo shoot were how much Ames’ red pants contrasted with Ashley’s green racerback dress.

Aw cheer up JP! Here, have a rose.

 One on One: Ryan

Ryan reminds me of Chris on Parks & Req...lit'rally! 
He’s so upbeat all the time. The date is a taste of Taipei and the couple witness temple-chanting and try tai chi, which Ryan calls a mix of dance, martial arts and channeling energy. Ryan and Ash gamble with wish bricks: if the bricks show one heads and one tails, then your wish will come true. But both were same side up, so Ryan didn’t get his wish. Ryan doesn’t care! Nothing can rain on his parade: “I’m on cloud 10!” Ryan launches into a conversation about tankless water heaters and asks what Ashley has done for the environment lately. In response, she told a story about how she got dumped for lack of recycling.

Ashley: I’m  not feeling it. I respect you too much to put you through the rose ceremony. Hiyah! See ya Ryan.

Ryan: I want to find that person, real love, unconditional love, someone I can be myself with, who shares the same joy in life and wants to do great things. I want to be a dad. *tear

Rose Ceremony

No mixer says Queen B, straight to the rose ceremony.

Roses for:

Constie

Ben

Ames

Happy trails, Lucas.

“Even though we built a connection slower than others, I wasn’t ready for this to be over.”

Episode 6: Revenge of the Sloth

Welcome back rose lovers! Sorry for the delay, I was travelling on a *journey* of my own. I returned refreshed and ready to recap what felt like a million hours of Bachelorette footage. Seriously why do ALL the episodes run two hours long?? I’m pretty sure after the first couple weeks, it usually condenses to an hour, sheesh. Normally I’d love bonus material, but Ashley’s immaturity is pretty grating. But I digress…

This week the B-team jets off to Hong Kong. Ashley is STILL thinking about Bentley the Boor: I need a clean break, the dot dot dot is killing me, other phrases we’ve heard repeated ad nauseum.

Knock knock, it’s Chris Harrison.

CH: Bentley’s here in the hotel.

Ash: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Covers mouth overdramatically, slightly hyperventilates] ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Unfortunately, yes Chris Harrison nods. He is as serious as the plague and makes Ashley promise not to let Bentley weasel his way out of his deserved doghouse. Ashley vows to “get details if I have to pull them out of his throat.” But that just might be the dental student talking.

Sure enough, Ashley trots over to Bentley’s room and Seth Rogen’s grungy little brother opens the door.

A: You leaving was hard.

B: I think we were on the same page. [If by same, he means opposite then yes]

After a few painfully awkward minutes where you can literally see Ashley weighing the option of taking this scuzzy guy back, she musters up all of the self-respect she has left and sends Smoke Monster packing. In recounting the tale, Ashley shrills “F--- YOU BENTLEY!” as an eagle soars triumphantly through the sky. Phew, now Bentley won’t cause any more problems.

Good Fortune in Hong Kong: Lucas

Good ol’ boy Lucas- who has not even been to New York y’all!- and Ashley navigate the hyperactive nightlife of Hong Kong, surrounded by glittering neon lights, a bustling street market and questionable dinner (pig intestines?!).

Lucas immediately notices a new glow about Ashley (and no, it’s not the neon). His goals for the night are to dance, kiss and get a rose, in that order.

Lines of the night:

A: Can you believe we’re here, experiencing all of this?

L: I’m just here for the boat ride. LOL

L: I really want to kiss you- do you mind? [She didn’t.]

Honorable mention: All the sweethearts and honeys that peppered conversation throughout the night.

Rose for Lucas.

Let’s Get Our Hearts Racing Group Date

You’ll have to be quick to snatch up this Bachelorette’s heart…before all of your fellow competitors self-term.

The guys were divided into three groups of two to compete in dragon boat racing:

Blue Team- Constantine & Ben “The Twins”

Red Team- Ryan & Blake

Black Team- Ames & Mickey

But two men can not a dragon boat race. The first part of this challenge was to recruit 8 other people to man the boat in one hour (additional people = additional points…in a timed race somehow?)

Finally an opportunity where Ryan Sun-lovah can shine: recruit people in a foreign country to help two white guys compete for a whiny girl. RoboRyan actually had a really great idea, find a translator and dub themselves “Team Victory!”

Ames & Mickey lucked out and found a real dragon boat competitor who phoned his dragon boat teammates. Score!

Ben & Constantine stole the show even though they came in last. Initially they couldn’t round up any willing competitors, so they decided to go shopping. My kind of guys!

“Let’s go out looking like G’s”

They tried to build team spirit by chanting something, but later discovered it meant ‘idiot’ in English.

Someone got engaged on the beach immediately following the dragon boat race, to which Ashley jokingly/menacingly asked “Who’s ne-ext?” and to which the guys nervously averted their collective gaze.

At the cocktail party, Ames pulled a rockstar move, pushed 48^th floor on the elevator and just laid one on Ashley. Go Ames!…but I couldn’t help thinking what about the cameraman that is crammed in the elevator with you filming?? Yet another reason why I will never be the Bachelorette.

I get butterflies watching Ben and Ashley together, which can not even be stilled by Ben’s Mr. Rogers canary yellow cardigan. They are so cute together!! And Ben called himself the biggest skeptic ever. This is real, people! Mickey looks like Gaston AND Dylan McDermott rolled into one. Ryan ends up getting the group date rose. Think positive and the sky (or sun!) is the limit.

Look into Our Future: JP

The title of this date made absolutely no sense but consisted of the lovey-dovey, ooey-gooeyness we’ve all come to expect from interactions between Ashley and JORDAN PAUL. ooOOoo

Ashley: JP is loyal, the total package, my MVP kisser

She confessed the Bentley debaucle and JP was remarkably composed [especially considering how much alcohol the contestants put away on this show!] and the two canoodled in matching white button-downs.

JP: I’m emotionally attached, things are perfect, I’m crazy about her

Duh! Rose for JP.

Mixer

Ashley approaches a floating palace covered in beautiful twinkling lights and red paper lanterns via tender boat. Girl is naïve enough to think the guys will actually be “excited” that she has finally gotten over Bentley. If you found out there was nothing there, WHY WOULD YOU TELL THEM??? Sigh. Well obviously this backfired in a big way and the guys cried mutiny. JP defended her and I thought it was noble of him not to tell the others after she confided in him earlier. But he made sure they knew she had told him first. Mickey was the most upset, followed by Constantine and ‘Don’t waste my freakin time’ Lucas. Blake was particularly jerky to Ashley: “No, I feel like standing.”

Ashley “didn’t realize it would bother” the guys. Hm. Well it was enough for Mickey to self-term. Ashley worries the men will reject her, and unfortunately that is exactly what is happening.

Rose Ceremony

The first thing that stuck out to me were Ames’ blaringly white pants in a sea of dark suits.

Roses for:
Ben

Constie

Ames

Blake and his passive-aggressiveness exit in a blaze of self-righteous glory, delivering this shattering revelation: I just want a friend. L

Episode 5 Survivor: Bachelorette Edition

Welcome to Chiang Mai rose lovers, Ashley and 11 self-loathing guys. Here’s hoping this week’s episode is livelier than the last. Brainiac Ames provides background on Chiang Mai via handicam:

Temples! Monks! Ashley! A perfect place to fall in love! Ames loves Chiang Mai!

Off to a promising start.

…and then the first mention of Bentley in yet another episode he is not even in. UGH.

Smoke Monster prevails; promising start comment redacted.

Let’s Fall in Love in Chiang Mai: Ben F

Boy they are really getting creative with these date names.

Ben F emerged from the house with hair looking more Josh Groban-y than ever. The guys huddled on the veranda to watch the pair depart for their date.

Ashley spoke as cryptically as the ancient temples: “There is a mutual attraction but it has not yet been spoken.”

Ben said j’adorable things like…

There’s a 100% chance that Ashley will get kissed today.

I’ll hold these [painted fans] so I can hold your hand.

We can’t…but I’m thinking it. *Mental  kiss*

So he is basically the anti-Bentley. This was a great date all around, but especially the cool dinner setup encircled by intricate flower designs and candles. Did you spot the hidden Mickeys? It was a beautiful outdoor dinner presentation that even Ashley’s tragic onesie could not ruin.

Ben revealed that his father passed away 4 and a half years ago, but he is no longer an emotional zombie and is now mature enough to take down the emotional walls he had built up. Ding ding ding! We have a winner. As Thai dancers surrounded the two, they kissed as if they had been at a sacred temple all day where they were not allowed to and Ashley intoned in voiceover “There is so much passion between us.” This was accented by the FI-YAH portion of the Thai dance routine. Rose, natch.

Love is Worth Fighting For: Group Date

…but is it worth dying for? We were about to find out, as the oft-shown shot of the man in pink being carted off on a gurney was obviously right around the corner.

Sure Ashley, I believe you when you say things like “I didn’t think it would be such a bloody fight.” Honestly producers, this idea was second only to the roast in stupidity. Well, first if you count physical over emotional harm.

Ashley “Hey Guys!” Herbert and the guys take a tiny trolley to observe Muay Thai fighters. That is, until Chris Harrison drops the bomb that they will actually be participating. Oh great. Some are more enthused than others:

Lucas: I’ve been in a couple street fights (How did you slip through the intense ABC interrogation I mean interview process? Did Drunk Tim sneak you in?)

Ames: I’ve never been in a fight in my life. There’s always another answer to violence.

Uh oh.

The men are presented with new boxing gear. Ames is “too polite” and waits for everyone else to pick their favorite color, so Captain Brainiac is stuck with the ill-fated hot pink ensemble.

Double uh oh.

Now that the men have had an introductory class [read: suffered a beating and sweated off half their body weight] they must fight each other.

Well that sounds logical, I mean what could possibly go wrong encouraging a bunch of stir crazy competitors to act on their worst impulses. Whatever- don’t think, just fight!

Blake vs. Lucas

Blake: I want to prove I’m more than just a dentist.

Sigh, remember when just being a dentist was enough?

Surprisingly Blake the dentist won- and more surprisingly everyone in the episode kept all of their teeth.

JP vs. Mickey

JP: If I end up taking a beating, I’ll take it like a man. There’s no crying in Muay Thai!

Initially it looked like Mickey was just beating JP mercilessly. Ashley is distraught. Not the MVP kisser! JP is small but scrappy and pulls an upset without smashing Mickey’s beautiful face. JP takes the opportunity to point out the Jew from Long Island beat the Irishman from Cleveland. There’s no stereotyping on the Bachelorette!

Ames vs. Ryan

Thanks to the exhaustive advertising leading up to this week, we all knew what was coming. Fortunately, it was not actually as traumatic as we were led to believe. Ames has never taken a punch and is a bit skittish- and more importantly, not protecting his beautiful mind! Didn’t he remember Sinbad’s Oscar-worthy boxing lesson in First Kid? Sunshine Ryan lands a few good punches and defeats a staggering, stunned Ames.

Nick vs. Constantine

The heavyweights. Constantine wins over the personal trainer. I am surprised. None of the guys I thought would win their matches did. Good thing I didn’t put any money down…as I am usually wont to do with Muay Thai boxing.

Ashley and the guys notice Ames is not his usual articulate, fully-functioning self and Ashley hails a minivan masquerading as a Thai ambulance to take him to a hospital. Ames climbed calmly into the trunk and everyone yelled “Goodbye Ames!”

It was much less dramatic than editing suggested.

Later that evening…

Morale is low. Ames’ absence is noticeable and everyone is concerned about his condition. The guys are trying to impress Ashley with their battle scars. Then surprise! Ames waltzes into the outdoor living area/fire pit. YAY! He laughs it off: “It was just a mild concussion.” Ames made it alright, but when talking to Ashley reverts to Drunk Tim and is unable to formulate any thoughts.

Blake pulls Ashley aside for some one-on-one time and they share their first kiss.

Ashley: We have potential.

Blake: I would whole-heartedly agree. You put a smile on my face. [A perfect veneer smile.]

Their connection (and conversation) is much more cerebral than passionate, but that’s fine with Blake: Love is a marathon. Immediate passion is fleeting. He’s looking for a “romantic undertone” and came off a tad needy in my opinion, but honestly in this type of situation, I’d imagine it would be hard to come off looking ‘normal.’ Rose for Blake.

Lucas enjoyed the fighting but confessed he was a golfer. He brings up Bentley Smoke Monster- UGH- as being Ashley’s type. Ashley scratches her neck nervously.

The night ends with a cheers to Ames “for being a good sport”…and living! Another successful group date.

Guide Me to Love: 2 on 1

I wouldn’t have guessed it, but producers managed to pit two as-yet-unknown enemies against each other on a Thunderdome date. Apparently Ben C’s piano playing grates on William’s nerves…just as William being himself grates on everyone else’s – including Ben C.

The three raft down a river with elephants like a real-life recreation of the Jungle Cruise.

William warns viewers: This date can get me back on track with Ashley. I’m going to take down Ben C at all costs. It’s not going to be pretty.

Before Ben C can get in a single word, William steals Ashley away and tried to frame Ben as the second coming of Bentley, bragging to other housemates how he can’t wait to get back home to play the field and online date. [Sidenote: who brags about online dating??] Ashley takes William’s word at face value and cuts Ben on the spot.

I thought this was incredibly stupid of Ashley because:

1.       I like Ben C

2.       What William was saying did not seem consistent with Ben’s personality

3.       William is a self-confessed ’30-year-old boy’ and into playing games

4.       Editing suggested that William would have said anything to get Ben out of there [i.e. lie]

Ashley and William go to dinner on what has become a one-on-one date but can not recapture the spark they had in Vegas after William’s disastrous roast. Loved Ashley’s red and black dress; it looked fabulous as she banished William the Two-Faced and burned the rose. William was escorted to the reject limo and didn’t want to go on living: I’m returning to nothing. It’s a black hole. I want to curl up in bed and not wake up.

Parting shot of Ashley walking away from the dinner. If I were her, I would have finished a la Sherlock Holmes. This is probably why I’m not the Bachelorette. Yeah, that’s it.

Mixer

Ashley sported a weird bouffant/half-ponytail/half-down do. Ryan was babbling on about feeling elation ‘like a rocketship’ and other nice guy things; Ashley could not look more bored. I liked Mickey and Constantine’s go-to rose ceremony outfits, vest and lime green shirt respectively. Hey if it ain’t broke…Constantine tells the guys he can’t see Ashley as his wife right now and although this is probably a valid rationalization, it ruffles some feathers. In every cutaway shot, Ames still looks like he is not all there, which made me wonder how long the effects of a concussion last. According to Wikipedia, concussion symptoms may not subside completely for three weeks.

JP: What’s going on in that head of yours [Ashley]?

Ashley: I’m still thinking about Bentley. UGH. Closure, blablabla.

Debriefing with Chris Harrison

Ashley is still thinking about Smoke Monster and requests that he be brought there. She is haunted by the ‘dot dot dot…’ speech. Chris Harrison puts on his sternest ‘Girl please’ face. No, she insists she needs closure to move on and worries about being alone. Chris H: [Sigh] Well I’m not going to make any promises, but we’ll see what we can do. UGH

Rose Ceremony

Ashley’s new mantra is ‘Be honest with me.’ So basically she likes guys who treat her badly. Bentley, William the Two-Faced and…

Constantine- who admitted he felt closer to the guys than he did to Ashley

Streetfight Golfer
MVP Kisser
Ames aka Googly Eyes

Mickey- the resident Bradley Cooper, skating by on his looks

Ryan

Nick goes back to Florida.

Ashley “Hey Guys!” catchphrase count this week: 6.

Next Week

Down to 8 guys and on to Hong Kong!

Something is telling Ashley’s brain Bentley is the one. UGH

Ashley tells the guys Smoke Monster is back in the picture and they turn on her: You lied to us!!! How can you date yet another guy?? That’s not how this show works! Oh wait…

Buy stock in Kleenex because there will be crying. And crying. And then just a little more crying.

Episode 4: Phuket!

The rose has lost its bloom. Mostly because it can not flourish under a Bentley-sized cloud of doom.* Despite moving production to exotic Thailand, Ashley - and more importantly us viewers - still could not escape the wrath of Bentley’s ghost. The episode fell kind of flat and (gasp) I couldn’t force myself to watch it that closely despite multiple attempts. Which is to say I probably watched it like a normal person.

*Similar but in no way affiliated with the smoke monster from Lost. Which just happened to be another ABC-syndicated show. RIP.

Episode opens with Ashley at a spa inquiring what activities would be recommended for a date with 12 men.

Spa girl: So many!

One on One Date: Constantine

Constantine seems really nice [read: hot] but has gotten virtually zero screentime, so I was glad Ashley picked him for a one-on-one date to do…something. They ate some food and then ran through the streets of Phuket in pouring rain. Constantine was pretty easygoing and managed to bring Ashley out of her Bentley-funk a little. Rose.

It Takes a Village Group Date

To keep from coming off as the stereotypical ugly American, the guys were instructed to renovate an orphanage. This is commendable. The electric, retina-burning shade of green that was chosen for the walls, not so much.

Josh Groban I mean Ben F’s beanie also falls into this category. Despite the beanie, Ben F made a big impression by painting a mural and acting creative and winemakery. He explained, “It’s all about separating yourself from the herd” while simultaneously painting an elephant.

The guys wheel out ABC-funded bicycles for the orphans and start playing with them.

Lucas: This is the best feeling I’ve ever had!

JP: Ashley made this possible!

That Ashley, she’s pretty amazing. And apparently as rich as ABC.

Later that evening…

Smurf’s Up! at a blue-lit bar somewhere in Thailand.

Ryan: Ashley’s freakin’ rad!

Suddenly everybody hates Ryan. He’s too happy all the time. Boy what a jerk; who would want to be around that? They start scheming and talking smack about Ryan the Terrible. Not to be confused with William the Two-Faced.

MVP Kisser JP gets some “alone time” with Ashley. The other men watch helplessly from their smurfy cabana crying ‘Bring her back!’ Sorry guys, can’t hear you over the insane chemistry.

JUST as Ashley is about to hand out the group date rose, Ryan the Terrible steals her mid-sentence. Texas boy Lucas cries foul. Or more literally, “GOOBER!!!” repeatedly.

The date ends with everyone taking their clothes off and jumping in the pool. Don’t they always?

Rose for Josh Groban.

One on One Date: Ames

Ames waxed poetic about the beauty of Thailand as they glided over a serene, unidentified body of water, admiring the rock formations and surrounding forest. Dinner showcased his rapier wit and he proved more interesting to Ashley than she previously realized. I may have missed most of this date to try the new Rolos McFlurry™. Maybe. (I would recommend it!)

Mixer

We find out more about the guys. Lucas is divorced. Ryan plays the victim card, perfected by Vienna. The other guys are ganging up on him, but he’s there for the right reasons™ and he has “a lot of love in [his] chest.” Hopefully there’s some in his heart too. He throws out a random reference to soldiers. The day after the episode aired was Flag Day...coincidence? Probably.

Rose Ceremony

Ashley asks for an extra rose, which means only one man will be getting the boot.

Roses for:

Lucas

Goober

MVP Kisser

Red Nick

Mickey - I loved his crisp blue shirt and vest combo!

Bland Blake

William the Two-Faced also in a blue shirt…but not as rocking as Mickey

Then showdown of the khaki suits: Ben C vs. West

And the rose goes to…….

Ben C.

West departs on an eloquent note:

“I had a great love. I will cherish that. Unfortunately I lost it, but at least I had it.”

Next

Chiang Mai

Someone wearing pink dies

Constantine feels closer to the guys than he does to Ashley

Chris Harrison: [Smoke Monster] is in the hotel right now.

Ashley: SHUT UP!

Closing shot of Nick doing pushups with Ashley on his back. Not showing off at all.

Extras

Youtube instructional video on the flash mob dance from the previous episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P-wnOk2kK0&feature=related

Jimmy Kimmel/Ashley Hebert Interview following last week’s episode:

http://abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kimmel-live/video-detail/interviews/pl_PL5520979/vd_VD55130189