Episode 10: Men Tell All

Meh. This episode just wasn’t juicy enough, which is strange considering how much drama this season has produced. It would have been a completely different show had Bentley bothered to show up. But he didn’t.

Things we learned:

The guys DO NOT like The Mask, Ryan or William

Drunk Tim is actually rather charming. When he is not Drunk Tim.

Ryan read books, took pages AND PAGES of notes about marriage questions and kept a journal throughout this journey. Stop snickering guys- I read BOOKS, Chris!!

Nick is remarkably outspoken.

Constantine says maybe two words and doesn’t even score his own interview in the hot seat…and he walked off the show! That is ripe for discussion Chris Harrison; inquiring B fans want to know.

The Ben C/William feud was revisited. William would not do anything differently and tries to position his actions as noble and “informing” Ashley. The guys are not having it. William’s accent is more pronounced or bothers me more this episode. Just when you think the guys are really going to roast William, he somehow manages to make everyone feel bad for him and Chris Harrison concludes, “You’ve learned a life lesson.”

Nick the Personal Trainer isn’t letting Will off that easily: Why do you think you’re here?

Will: Why are any of us here? We can’t find a girl to date us.

LOL Line of the night.

Ames gets the pimp spot. The women go crazy. He is wearing a purple polo and jeans unlike all the other rubes in suits. Even with a concussion, he is overly polite. Elevator kiss!! Footage of other men impersonating Ames suggests he may be a robot. He says nothing in his interview to dispel this theory. Ames remains as complimentary as ever and wishes Ashley well, stating he learned a lot from the experience. Good, because you sure aren’t going to learn anything on Bachelor Pad. Chris Harrison gifts Ames the cursed hot pink boxing gloves as a memento of his love-concussion.

The show ended on a really cool note: with an auction of The Mask’s mask for charity. It raised……drum roll………..$2000 for the orphanage the guys built/renovated in episode 4! Way to go!

Episode 9: R.O.D.s

Romantic Overnight Dates, that is. Well rose lovers, we are almost at the end of our magical journey. The top three are whisked away to Savusavu, Fiji. Just the name suggests nothing bad could happen here. And then the Bachelorette cameras rolled up. Viewers are teased with a jilted bachelor returning for a second chance for Ashley’s affections. We see a flash of mandals, a plaid shirt- Ames?- and finally, a face: it is everyone’s favorite high-spirited solar energy exec: Ryan.

Boy Ryan has been mulling this over; he is full of questions!

Do you feel like I do?

Do you regret cutting me??

Is there love to be had???

!!!!

Ben

These are great questions, but right now it’s time to snorkel with Ben. Ah, Ashley’s relationship with Ben is so effortless, so fun, so impossibly windy. Both Ben and Ashley struggle to keep their locks under control in the near-hurricane level winds.

Ashley: He looks great, I feel great. It’s like we’re on our honeymoon!

But you’re not...Sinners!

As Ben and Ashley are “applying sunscreen” I wonder if I am old enough to be watching this show. And things only get steamier when Chris Harrison, that rascally devil, presents the couple with a Fantasy Suite Card ™ and the opportunity to “forgo [their] separate rooms.”

Of course they take it. No guy would turn down an insecure girl throwing herself at him. Although I have to give Ben props for lifting Ashley out of the infinity pool and carrying her back into the private bungalow aaand cut to black! That was pretty hot.

Constantine

Hm, brief notes on Constantine. He is so uninterested in Ashley it’s not even funny. He IS excited to ride in a helicopter though. WOOHOO! Wait, who is that standing on shore? It’s Ryan! Hi Ryan! Constie and Ashley jump off a waterfall and live. Constie looked at 108 (!) houses before buying, so Ashley questions whether he is at a place where he can have a serious relationship, i.e. beyond the ‘house-shopping’ stage. She wants to close this deal dangit. But Constie shows superhuman restraint- or solid values…next Bachelor anyone?- when the Fantasy Suite Card ™ comes into play.

Constantine: I respect you, I respect myself, I respect my family and ultimately your family too much to force anything. I know what the Fantasy Suite ™ implies and if I wasn’t in love, I was not going to take advantage of it.

Wow! I was really impressed with such an integrity move. On the Bachelorette of all places! He is only the second in the franchise’s history to decline since Shannon way back on Season One with Alex Michel…before we all knew what the Fantasy Suite ™ implied. Boom chicka wah wah!

Ryan

After Constie throws in the towel, Ashley promptly marches over to Ryan’s bungalow. I thought she was just going to swap them out, but Ash ends up giving Ryan the boot. He handles it with great aplomb, but we expect nothing less of our unfailingly polite solar exec. He and Ames are about as gracious as they come.

JP

Helicopter to private island. JP’s waiting for everything to be right when he says those three little words. When Ashley looks at him, she feels like she could smile forever. Twu luv! Of course they take the Fantasy Suite ™ because they have crazy-mad chemistry.

Constie self-termed so we have a showdown between Ben and JP. High noon. Savusavu Corral. May the best man win.