Welcome back rose lovers! Sorry for the delay, I was travelling on a *journey* of my own. I returned refreshed and ready to recap what felt like a million hours of Bachelorette footage. Seriously why do ALL the episodes run two hours long?? I’m pretty sure after the first couple weeks, it usually condenses to an hour, sheesh. Normally I’d love bonus material, but Ashley’s immaturity is pretty grating. But I digress…
This week the B-team jets off to Hong Kong. Ashley is STILL thinking about Bentley the Boor: I need a clean break, the dot dot dot is killing me, other phrases we’ve heard repeated ad nauseum.
Knock knock, it’s Chris Harrison.
CH: Bentley’s here in the hotel.
Ash: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Covers mouth overdramatically, slightly hyperventilates] ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Unfortunately, yes Chris Harrison nods. He is as serious as the plague and makes Ashley promise not to let Bentley weasel his way out of his deserved doghouse. Ashley vows to “get details if I have to pull them out of his throat.” But that just might be the dental student talking.
Sure enough, Ashley trots over to Bentley’s room and Seth Rogen’s grungy little brother opens the door.
A: You leaving was hard.
B: I think we were on the same page. [If by same, he means opposite then yes]
After a few painfully awkward minutes where you can literally see Ashley weighing the option of taking this scuzzy guy back, she musters up all of the self-respect she has left and sends Smoke Monster packing. In recounting the tale, Ashley shrills “F--- YOU BENTLEY!” as an eagle soars triumphantly through the sky. Phew, now Bentley won’t cause any more problems.
Good Fortune in Hong Kong: Lucas
Good ol’ boy Lucas- who has not even been to New York y’all!- and Ashley navigate the hyperactive nightlife of Hong Kong, surrounded by glittering neon lights, a bustling street market and questionable dinner (pig intestines?!).
Lucas immediately notices a new glow about Ashley (and no, it’s not the neon). His goals for the night are to dance, kiss and get a rose, in that order.
Lines of the night:
A: Can you believe we’re here, experiencing all of this?
L: I’m just here for the boat ride. LOL
L: I really want to kiss you- do you mind? [She didn’t.]
Honorable mention: All the sweethearts and honeys that peppered conversation throughout the night.
Rose for Lucas.
Let’s Get Our Hearts Racing Group Date
You’ll have to be quick to snatch up this Bachelorette’s heart…before all of your fellow competitors self-term.
The guys were divided into three groups of two to compete in dragon boat racing:
Blue Team- Constantine & Ben “The Twins”
Red Team- Ryan & Blake
Black Team- Ames & Mickey
But two men can not a dragon boat race. The first part of this challenge was to recruit 8 other people to man the boat in one hour (additional people = additional points…in a timed race somehow?)
Finally an opportunity where Ryan Sun-lovah can shine: recruit people in a foreign country to help two white guys compete for a whiny girl. RoboRyan actually had a really great idea, find a translator and dub themselves “Team Victory!”
Ames & Mickey lucked out and found a real dragon boat competitor who phoned his dragon boat teammates. Score!
Ben & Constantine stole the show even though they came in last. Initially they couldn’t round up any willing competitors, so they decided to go shopping. My kind of guys!
“Let’s go out looking like G’s”
They tried to build team spirit by chanting something, but later discovered it meant ‘idiot’ in English.
Someone got engaged on the beach immediately following the dragon boat race, to which Ashley jokingly/menacingly asked “Who’s ne-ext?” and to which the guys nervously averted their collective gaze.
At the cocktail party, Ames pulled a rockstar move, pushed 48th floor on the elevator and just laid one on Ashley. Go Ames!…but I couldn’t help thinking what about the cameraman that is crammed in the elevator with you filming?? Yet another reason why I will never be the Bachelorette.
I get butterflies watching Ben and Ashley together, which can not even be stilled by Ben’s Mr. Rogers canary yellow cardigan. They are so cute together!! And Ben called himself the biggest skeptic ever. This is real, people! Mickey looks like Gaston AND Dylan McDermott rolled into one. Ryan ends up getting the group date rose. Think positive and the sky (or sun!) is the limit.
Look into Our Future: JP
The title of this date made absolutely no sense but consisted of the lovey-dovey, ooey-gooeyness we’ve all come to expect from interactions between Ashley and JORDAN PAUL. ooOOoo
Ashley: JP is loyal, the total package, my MVP kisser
She confessed the Bentley debaucle and JP was remarkably composed [especially considering how much alcohol the contestants put away on this show!] and the two canoodled in matching white button-downs.
JP: I’m emotionally attached, things are perfect, I’m crazy about her
Duh! Rose for JP.
Mixer
Ashley approaches a floating palace covered in beautiful twinkling lights and red paper lanterns via tender boat. Girl is naïve enough to think the guys will actually be “excited” that she has finally gotten over Bentley. If you found out there was nothing there, WHY WOULD YOU TELL THEM??? Sigh. Well obviously this backfired in a big way and the guys cried mutiny. JP defended her and I thought it was noble of him not to tell the others after she confided in him earlier. But he made sure they knew she had told him first. Mickey was the most upset, followed by Constantine and ‘Don’t waste my freakin time’ Lucas. Blake was particularly jerky to Ashley: “No, I feel like standing.”
Ashley “didn’t realize it would bother” the guys. Hm. Well it was enough for Mickey to self-term. Ashley worries the men will reject her, and unfortunately that is exactly what is happening.
Rose Ceremony
The first thing that stuck out to me were Ames’ blaringly white pants in a sea of dark suits.
Roses for:
Ben
Ben
Constie
Ames
Blake and his passive-aggressiveness exit in a blaze of self-righteous glory, delivering this shattering revelation: I just want a friend. L
"Constie" hahahahaha
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