Episode 8: Home Fries

Ah, we finally make it to the crucial hometown dates. Sure Ashley likes you, but what happens if you have a taxidermy-enthusiast dad (Kirk) or you are primed to take over the family morgue business (Shawntel)? Removed from closed-set tropical locales and plopped back down into ‘real-life’ can turn into a sink or swim situation. Fortunately, all of the guys swam like Michael Phelps, BUT the award for the Most Fun Family Ever goes to…

Constantine: Cumming, GA

Constie takes our tiny dancer to Giorgio’s [Eat at Giorgio's!] where they prepare a pizza together and Constantine shows more personality in this one scene than he has all season. “Is it getting a little cheesy in here?” Yes it is…and I love it! All of the Giorgio waitresses take a page from every rom-com worth its salt and huddle around the window watching Constie and his galpal share lunch- and a kiss or two. Aw!

Ash meets the family and wants to move in [I do too!] but she hasn’t seen nothing yet because suddenly a flood of aunts, uncles, cousins, et al come pouring through the door a la My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Then they start dancing and patriarch Demetri starts throwing money in the air. Opa! On a more serious note, Father Demetri advises Constantine to look to him and his mother as an example. “We’ve had our ups and downs, but in the beginning it should be perfect. Don’t rush into anything.”

Then a kiss goodnight on the lawn…whoops, the entire family was watching. Embarrassing for mere mortals, but in BacheloretteLand this is small potatoes- last week’s episodes totaled 7.7 million viewers. Ashley lerved Constantine’s clan and could see why he was so big on family: she is twitterpated (Constie-pated?) with her Greek god. Constantine however, remains skeptical but figures everything happens for a reason. Ash passed the Mom Test: she was comfortable with the family and Mama Giorgio wants to make her an honorary Greek.

Ames: Chadd’s Ford, PA

Ashley reminds us for the zillionth time how “unique” Ames is and she is curious to see the environment he grew up in that made him so unique. That environment is a Ralph Lauren advertisement come to life, apparently. Horse-drawn carriages, picnics, indoor pools and plaid. So much plaid!

Although Ben has been getting all the screen time as Contestant with Tragic Past, Ames has weathered his own personal losses. His dad died when he was only 10 and then his stepfather died of cancer. He attended boarding school in high school and apparently was a “bad student” [I do not believe this] After a tete-a-tete with his sis in a library rivaling the one in Beauty and the Beast, Ames decides to step up the romance and steals away with Ashley for a private picnic and lecture on sprezzatura. Then there was a kiss…that was more fizzle than sizzle. :/ Oh well, Ash passed the family test.

Ben: Sonoma, CA

Following the picnic theme, Ben broke out some of his own wine [straight from the barrel- cool!] and took Ashley on a picnic to review family names. He has only brought home two other girls, so Ash is a little nervous. Ben: “I’m confident in us.” 

His sister is one of his best friends and he would not consider marrying someone Mom and Sis don’t approve of. At first Sis is skeptical and- of course- protective, but this devolves into a crying fest when Ben says he should have been a better son after his father passed away. Mom reassured him that Dad would be proud of him and Ben admits he is more in touch with his emotional side, which he [for better or worse] credits to Ashley. A teary Ben tells the camera there are times when he wished his Dad could see what’s happening, but he can’t. L I can relate Ben…Meanwhile I was also wondering: Do they bring in interior designers or the set decorator to the hometowns because all of the family’s houses look gorgeous.

JP: Roslyn, NY

Roller skating! Power ballads! Wine in paper cups! How fun was this? I LOVED the roller skating rink in Modesto and attended many a birthday party there before it was torn down.

JP’s family was mostly concerned that JP is overly vulnerable and open to the possibility of proposing. His last girlfriend sounded like a real doozy- and maybe cheated on him? Something worse?- mostly the family’s goal was to prevent this from happening ever again. They say they don’t want him to be traumatized any more, yet they bring out the life-size Doogie Howser bar mitzvah picture. Ash is smitten with JP and JP’s family loves her.

Debriefing with Chris Harrison

According to Ashley, she:

Found “more depth” with Constantine. (?)

Thought Ames would be the best husband.

Saw a more emotional side of Ben.

Fell in love with JP’s family.

The debriefing session ended with a reminder of this season’s catchphrase which we haven’t heard in a while: No regrets Chris!

Rose Ceremony

Ugh, why must the guys be brought back together after hometown dates? Can’t they just live in their own little bubbles? Did Ben straighten his hair? Ames elects for another light suit. Constie wins this week’s fashion pick for a bold coral buttondown.

Roses for:

Ben

JP

Constantine*

Ames was super confused and saddened that he fell in love with someone who did not fall in love with him. Parting words: “It was more poetic than I’d ever imagined.”

*Considering Ashley’s maturity level…and that next week is the romantic overnight dates…and that she constantly describes Constantine as physically ideal, when it came down to Ames vs. Constie this was kind of a no-brainer. Ames got a concussion for you Ashley!

Brad and Emily Update

Sadly, these two crazy kids- well one crazy kid and one Old Man River- couldn’t buck the low Bachelor success rate and succumbed to the pressures and negative attention that come with fifteen minutes of fame. A teary, solo Emily rehashed the causes to Chris Harrison and explained that her want for marriage overshadowed the realities of the relationship. They both had high expectations of each other and were used to being single and operating according to their own schedule. Emily believes that a marriage should last forever and there were differences that were just beyond their control. “You want to believe if you love each other, it will be enough but that is not always the case.” From the fairytale proposal to a worst nightmare, paparazzi and tabloids’ incessant speculating were a catalyst to Brad and Emily’s breakup. Brad and Emily are still close and text every day. Brad is extremely protective of Emily and neither had an unkind word to say about each other. I really wanted it to work out for them! Should Emily be the next Bachelorette? Would the third time be a charm for Brad? Should they just disregard all decorum and join the Bachelor Pad crew? Stay tuned…

Episode 7: Taiwan, Hidden Jewel of Asia

Let Your Love Light Shine: Constie

Ashley and Constie take a romantic train ride through the natural beauty of Taiwan to a charming little town that is celebrating a lantern festival. People write their wishes on lanterns and release them into the sky to come true. Ashley insists on calling it a ‘love wish’ and pushes Constantine for any wedding bells in the near future: Should we draw rings? A family? Longevity? Let’s be realistic, how about just a miniscule amount of self-respect intact after this crazy process? NO IT’S A LOVE WISH!!! Anywho, the resulting effect of so many lanterns floating through a still sky looked exactly like the love scene from Tangled- a Disney film natch- and it was incredibly magical, a visual representation of hope.

It was the most romantic thing Constie had ever seen and he was so moved he “was open to the idea of loving Ashley.” He’s ready to share his life with ‘someone’ and has never been happier.

One on One: Ben

Outdoor date chock-full of mopeds, suspension bridges, hiking and picnicking. Beep beep!

Then off to dinner. Ashley made a vast improvement from the tragic onesie with a kelly green one-shoulder blouse and kicky black skirt. I don’t remember what Ben wore in this episode, but it was probably as quirky as Ames is “unique.” In fact, we saw another costume change because- surprise!- this somehow turned into an overnight date, although Ben deflects Lucas’ questioning with "There was no physical activity and we had separate rooms." But did they actually stay in their separate rooms? Million dollar question. Only Chris Harrison knows. And that rascally holder of the Fantasy Suite ™ card keys never tells. Details be damned!  JP could care less about details. He doesn’t want to hear anything and he is MAD. JP SMASH!

Meanwhile…Ryan finally gets his first one on one date card:

“There’s so much energy running through me!” …solar energy?

Group Date: Wedding Photos

JP, Lucas and Ames get dragged on this torturous idea of a date. I’m going to go out on a limb and say most guys probably don’t even like taking REAL engagement photos, much less pretend ones with two romantic rivals watching. What is it with this girl and wedding prep? Just do something normal and put the guys out of their misery. Lucas and Ashley pose in traditional Taiwanese wedding clothes. Ames  and Ash go retro in 80’s duds. Sulky JP rocks a tuxedo and his mood brightens momentarily.

The only memorable thing about the drinks and hors d’oeuvres following the photo shoot were how much Ames’ red pants contrasted with Ashley’s green racerback dress.

Aw cheer up JP! Here, have a rose.

 One on One: Ryan

Ryan reminds me of Chris on Parks & Req...lit'rally! 
He’s so upbeat all the time. The date is a taste of Taipei and the couple witness temple-chanting and try tai chi, which Ryan calls a mix of dance, martial arts and channeling energy. Ryan and Ash gamble with wish bricks: if the bricks show one heads and one tails, then your wish will come true. But both were same side up, so Ryan didn’t get his wish. Ryan doesn’t care! Nothing can rain on his parade: “I’m on cloud 10!” Ryan launches into a conversation about tankless water heaters and asks what Ashley has done for the environment lately. In response, she told a story about how she got dumped for lack of recycling.

Ashley: I’m  not feeling it. I respect you too much to put you through the rose ceremony. Hiyah! See ya Ryan.

Ryan: I want to find that person, real love, unconditional love, someone I can be myself with, who shares the same joy in life and wants to do great things. I want to be a dad. *tear

Rose Ceremony

No mixer says Queen B, straight to the rose ceremony.

Roses for:

Constie

Ben

Ames

Happy trails, Lucas.

“Even though we built a connection slower than others, I wasn’t ready for this to be over.”

Episode 6: Revenge of the Sloth

Welcome back rose lovers! Sorry for the delay, I was travelling on a *journey* of my own. I returned refreshed and ready to recap what felt like a million hours of Bachelorette footage. Seriously why do ALL the episodes run two hours long?? I’m pretty sure after the first couple weeks, it usually condenses to an hour, sheesh. Normally I’d love bonus material, but Ashley’s immaturity is pretty grating. But I digress…

This week the B-team jets off to Hong Kong. Ashley is STILL thinking about Bentley the Boor: I need a clean break, the dot dot dot is killing me, other phrases we’ve heard repeated ad nauseum.

Knock knock, it’s Chris Harrison.

CH: Bentley’s here in the hotel.

Ash: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Covers mouth overdramatically, slightly hyperventilates] ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Unfortunately, yes Chris Harrison nods. He is as serious as the plague and makes Ashley promise not to let Bentley weasel his way out of his deserved doghouse. Ashley vows to “get details if I have to pull them out of his throat.” But that just might be the dental student talking.

Sure enough, Ashley trots over to Bentley’s room and Seth Rogen’s grungy little brother opens the door.

A: You leaving was hard.

B: I think we were on the same page. [If by same, he means opposite then yes]

After a few painfully awkward minutes where you can literally see Ashley weighing the option of taking this scuzzy guy back, she musters up all of the self-respect she has left and sends Smoke Monster packing. In recounting the tale, Ashley shrills “F--- YOU BENTLEY!” as an eagle soars triumphantly through the sky. Phew, now Bentley won’t cause any more problems.

Good Fortune in Hong Kong: Lucas

Good ol’ boy Lucas- who has not even been to New York y’all!- and Ashley navigate the hyperactive nightlife of Hong Kong, surrounded by glittering neon lights, a bustling street market and questionable dinner (pig intestines?!).

Lucas immediately notices a new glow about Ashley (and no, it’s not the neon). His goals for the night are to dance, kiss and get a rose, in that order.

Lines of the night:

A: Can you believe we’re here, experiencing all of this?

L: I’m just here for the boat ride. LOL

L: I really want to kiss you- do you mind? [She didn’t.]

Honorable mention: All the sweethearts and honeys that peppered conversation throughout the night.

Rose for Lucas.

Let’s Get Our Hearts Racing Group Date

You’ll have to be quick to snatch up this Bachelorette’s heart…before all of your fellow competitors self-term.

The guys were divided into three groups of two to compete in dragon boat racing:

Blue Team- Constantine & Ben “The Twins”

Red Team- Ryan & Blake

Black Team- Ames & Mickey

But two men can not a dragon boat race. The first part of this challenge was to recruit 8 other people to man the boat in one hour (additional people = additional points…in a timed race somehow?)

Finally an opportunity where Ryan Sun-lovah can shine: recruit people in a foreign country to help two white guys compete for a whiny girl. RoboRyan actually had a really great idea, find a translator and dub themselves “Team Victory!”

Ames & Mickey lucked out and found a real dragon boat competitor who phoned his dragon boat teammates. Score!

Ben & Constantine stole the show even though they came in last. Initially they couldn’t round up any willing competitors, so they decided to go shopping. My kind of guys!

“Let’s go out looking like G’s”

They tried to build team spirit by chanting something, but later discovered it meant ‘idiot’ in English.

Someone got engaged on the beach immediately following the dragon boat race, to which Ashley jokingly/menacingly asked “Who’s ne-ext?” and to which the guys nervously averted their collective gaze.

At the cocktail party, Ames pulled a rockstar move, pushed 48^th floor on the elevator and just laid one on Ashley. Go Ames!…but I couldn’t help thinking what about the cameraman that is crammed in the elevator with you filming?? Yet another reason why I will never be the Bachelorette.

I get butterflies watching Ben and Ashley together, which can not even be stilled by Ben’s Mr. Rogers canary yellow cardigan. They are so cute together!! And Ben called himself the biggest skeptic ever. This is real, people! Mickey looks like Gaston AND Dylan McDermott rolled into one. Ryan ends up getting the group date rose. Think positive and the sky (or sun!) is the limit.

Look into Our Future: JP

The title of this date made absolutely no sense but consisted of the lovey-dovey, ooey-gooeyness we’ve all come to expect from interactions between Ashley and JORDAN PAUL. ooOOoo

Ashley: JP is loyal, the total package, my MVP kisser

She confessed the Bentley debaucle and JP was remarkably composed [especially considering how much alcohol the contestants put away on this show!] and the two canoodled in matching white button-downs.

JP: I’m emotionally attached, things are perfect, I’m crazy about her

Duh! Rose for JP.

Mixer

Ashley approaches a floating palace covered in beautiful twinkling lights and red paper lanterns via tender boat. Girl is naïve enough to think the guys will actually be “excited” that she has finally gotten over Bentley. If you found out there was nothing there, WHY WOULD YOU TELL THEM??? Sigh. Well obviously this backfired in a big way and the guys cried mutiny. JP defended her and I thought it was noble of him not to tell the others after she confided in him earlier. But he made sure they knew she had told him first. Mickey was the most upset, followed by Constantine and ‘Don’t waste my freakin time’ Lucas. Blake was particularly jerky to Ashley: “No, I feel like standing.”

Ashley “didn’t realize it would bother” the guys. Hm. Well it was enough for Mickey to self-term. Ashley worries the men will reject her, and unfortunately that is exactly what is happening.

Rose Ceremony

The first thing that stuck out to me were Ames’ blaringly white pants in a sea of dark suits.

Roses for:
Ben

Constie

Ames

Blake and his passive-aggressiveness exit in a blaze of self-righteous glory, delivering this shattering revelation: I just want a friend. L