Episode 5 Survivor: Bachelorette Edition

Welcome to Chiang Mai rose lovers, Ashley and 11 self-loathing guys. Here’s hoping this week’s episode is livelier than the last. Brainiac Ames provides background on Chiang Mai via handicam:

Temples! Monks! Ashley! A perfect place to fall in love! Ames loves Chiang Mai!

Off to a promising start.

…and then the first mention of Bentley in yet another episode he is not even in. UGH.

Smoke Monster prevails; promising start comment redacted.

Let’s Fall in Love in Chiang Mai: Ben F

Boy they are really getting creative with these date names.

Ben F emerged from the house with hair looking more Josh Groban-y than ever. The guys huddled on the veranda to watch the pair depart for their date.

Ashley spoke as cryptically as the ancient temples: “There is a mutual attraction but it has not yet been spoken.”

Ben said j’adorable things like…

There’s a 100% chance that Ashley will get kissed today.

I’ll hold these [painted fans] so I can hold your hand.

We can’t…but I’m thinking it. *Mental  kiss*

So he is basically the anti-Bentley. This was a great date all around, but especially the cool dinner setup encircled by intricate flower designs and candles. Did you spot the hidden Mickeys? It was a beautiful outdoor dinner presentation that even Ashley’s tragic onesie could not ruin.

Ben revealed that his father passed away 4 and a half years ago, but he is no longer an emotional zombie and is now mature enough to take down the emotional walls he had built up. Ding ding ding! We have a winner. As Thai dancers surrounded the two, they kissed as if they had been at a sacred temple all day where they were not allowed to and Ashley intoned in voiceover “There is so much passion between us.” This was accented by the FI-YAH portion of the Thai dance routine. Rose, natch.

Love is Worth Fighting For: Group Date

…but is it worth dying for? We were about to find out, as the oft-shown shot of the man in pink being carted off on a gurney was obviously right around the corner.

Sure Ashley, I believe you when you say things like “I didn’t think it would be such a bloody fight.” Honestly producers, this idea was second only to the roast in stupidity. Well, first if you count physical over emotional harm.

Ashley “Hey Guys!” Herbert and the guys take a tiny trolley to observe Muay Thai fighters. That is, until Chris Harrison drops the bomb that they will actually be participating. Oh great. Some are more enthused than others:

Lucas: I’ve been in a couple street fights (How did you slip through the intense ABC interrogation I mean interview process? Did Drunk Tim sneak you in?)

Ames: I’ve never been in a fight in my life. There’s always another answer to violence.

Uh oh.

The men are presented with new boxing gear. Ames is “too polite” and waits for everyone else to pick their favorite color, so Captain Brainiac is stuck with the ill-fated hot pink ensemble.

Double uh oh.

Now that the men have had an introductory class [read: suffered a beating and sweated off half their body weight] they must fight each other.

Well that sounds logical, I mean what could possibly go wrong encouraging a bunch of stir crazy competitors to act on their worst impulses. Whatever- don’t think, just fight!

Blake vs. Lucas

Blake: I want to prove I’m more than just a dentist.

Sigh, remember when just being a dentist was enough?

Surprisingly Blake the dentist won- and more surprisingly everyone in the episode kept all of their teeth.

JP vs. Mickey

JP: If I end up taking a beating, I’ll take it like a man. There’s no crying in Muay Thai!

Initially it looked like Mickey was just beating JP mercilessly. Ashley is distraught. Not the MVP kisser! JP is small but scrappy and pulls an upset without smashing Mickey’s beautiful face. JP takes the opportunity to point out the Jew from Long Island beat the Irishman from Cleveland. There’s no stereotyping on the Bachelorette!

Ames vs. Ryan

Thanks to the exhaustive advertising leading up to this week, we all knew what was coming. Fortunately, it was not actually as traumatic as we were led to believe. Ames has never taken a punch and is a bit skittish- and more importantly, not protecting his beautiful mind! Didn’t he remember Sinbad’s Oscar-worthy boxing lesson in First Kid? Sunshine Ryan lands a few good punches and defeats a staggering, stunned Ames.

Nick vs. Constantine

The heavyweights. Constantine wins over the personal trainer. I am surprised. None of the guys I thought would win their matches did. Good thing I didn’t put any money down…as I am usually wont to do with Muay Thai boxing.

Ashley and the guys notice Ames is not his usual articulate, fully-functioning self and Ashley hails a minivan masquerading as a Thai ambulance to take him to a hospital. Ames climbed calmly into the trunk and everyone yelled “Goodbye Ames!”

It was much less dramatic than editing suggested.

Later that evening…

Morale is low. Ames’ absence is noticeable and everyone is concerned about his condition. The guys are trying to impress Ashley with their battle scars. Then surprise! Ames waltzes into the outdoor living area/fire pit. YAY! He laughs it off: “It was just a mild concussion.” Ames made it alright, but when talking to Ashley reverts to Drunk Tim and is unable to formulate any thoughts.

Blake pulls Ashley aside for some one-on-one time and they share their first kiss.

Ashley: We have potential.

Blake: I would whole-heartedly agree. You put a smile on my face. [A perfect veneer smile.]

Their connection (and conversation) is much more cerebral than passionate, but that’s fine with Blake: Love is a marathon. Immediate passion is fleeting. He’s looking for a “romantic undertone” and came off a tad needy in my opinion, but honestly in this type of situation, I’d imagine it would be hard to come off looking ‘normal.’ Rose for Blake.

Lucas enjoyed the fighting but confessed he was a golfer. He brings up Bentley Smoke Monster- UGH- as being Ashley’s type. Ashley scratches her neck nervously.

The night ends with a cheers to Ames “for being a good sport”…and living! Another successful group date.

Guide Me to Love: 2 on 1

I wouldn’t have guessed it, but producers managed to pit two as-yet-unknown enemies against each other on a Thunderdome date. Apparently Ben C’s piano playing grates on William’s nerves…just as William being himself grates on everyone else’s – including Ben C.

The three raft down a river with elephants like a real-life recreation of the Jungle Cruise.

William warns viewers: This date can get me back on track with Ashley. I’m going to take down Ben C at all costs. It’s not going to be pretty.

Before Ben C can get in a single word, William steals Ashley away and tried to frame Ben as the second coming of Bentley, bragging to other housemates how he can’t wait to get back home to play the field and online date. [Sidenote: who brags about online dating??] Ashley takes William’s word at face value and cuts Ben on the spot.

I thought this was incredibly stupid of Ashley because:

1.       I like Ben C

2.       What William was saying did not seem consistent with Ben’s personality

3.       William is a self-confessed ’30-year-old boy’ and into playing games

4.       Editing suggested that William would have said anything to get Ben out of there [i.e. lie]

Ashley and William go to dinner on what has become a one-on-one date but can not recapture the spark they had in Vegas after William’s disastrous roast. Loved Ashley’s red and black dress; it looked fabulous as she banished William the Two-Faced and burned the rose. William was escorted to the reject limo and didn’t want to go on living: I’m returning to nothing. It’s a black hole. I want to curl up in bed and not wake up.

Parting shot of Ashley walking away from the dinner. If I were her, I would have finished a la Sherlock Holmes. This is probably why I’m not the Bachelorette. Yeah, that’s it.

Mixer

Ashley sported a weird bouffant/half-ponytail/half-down do. Ryan was babbling on about feeling elation ‘like a rocketship’ and other nice guy things; Ashley could not look more bored. I liked Mickey and Constantine’s go-to rose ceremony outfits, vest and lime green shirt respectively. Hey if it ain’t broke…Constantine tells the guys he can’t see Ashley as his wife right now and although this is probably a valid rationalization, it ruffles some feathers. In every cutaway shot, Ames still looks like he is not all there, which made me wonder how long the effects of a concussion last. According to Wikipedia, concussion symptoms may not subside completely for three weeks.

JP: What’s going on in that head of yours [Ashley]?

Ashley: I’m still thinking about Bentley. UGH. Closure, blablabla.

Debriefing with Chris Harrison

Ashley is still thinking about Smoke Monster and requests that he be brought there. She is haunted by the ‘dot dot dot…’ speech. Chris Harrison puts on his sternest ‘Girl please’ face. No, she insists she needs closure to move on and worries about being alone. Chris H: [Sigh] Well I’m not going to make any promises, but we’ll see what we can do. UGH

Rose Ceremony

Ashley’s new mantra is ‘Be honest with me.’ So basically she likes guys who treat her badly. Bentley, William the Two-Faced and…

Constantine- who admitted he felt closer to the guys than he did to Ashley

Streetfight Golfer
MVP Kisser
Ames aka Googly Eyes

Mickey- the resident Bradley Cooper, skating by on his looks

Ryan

Nick goes back to Florida.

Ashley “Hey Guys!” catchphrase count this week: 6.

Next Week

Down to 8 guys and on to Hong Kong!

Something is telling Ashley’s brain Bentley is the one. UGH

Ashley tells the guys Smoke Monster is back in the picture and they turn on her: You lied to us!!! How can you date yet another guy?? That’s not how this show works! Oh wait…

Buy stock in Kleenex because there will be crying. And crying. And then just a little more crying.

Episode 4: Phuket!

The rose has lost its bloom. Mostly because it can not flourish under a Bentley-sized cloud of doom.* Despite moving production to exotic Thailand, Ashley - and more importantly us viewers - still could not escape the wrath of Bentley’s ghost. The episode fell kind of flat and (gasp) I couldn’t force myself to watch it that closely despite multiple attempts. Which is to say I probably watched it like a normal person.

*Similar but in no way affiliated with the smoke monster from Lost. Which just happened to be another ABC-syndicated show. RIP.

Episode opens with Ashley at a spa inquiring what activities would be recommended for a date with 12 men.

Spa girl: So many!

One on One Date: Constantine

Constantine seems really nice [read: hot] but has gotten virtually zero screentime, so I was glad Ashley picked him for a one-on-one date to do…something. They ate some food and then ran through the streets of Phuket in pouring rain. Constantine was pretty easygoing and managed to bring Ashley out of her Bentley-funk a little. Rose.

It Takes a Village Group Date

To keep from coming off as the stereotypical ugly American, the guys were instructed to renovate an orphanage. This is commendable. The electric, retina-burning shade of green that was chosen for the walls, not so much.

Josh Groban I mean Ben F’s beanie also falls into this category. Despite the beanie, Ben F made a big impression by painting a mural and acting creative and winemakery. He explained, “It’s all about separating yourself from the herd” while simultaneously painting an elephant.

The guys wheel out ABC-funded bicycles for the orphans and start playing with them.

Lucas: This is the best feeling I’ve ever had!

JP: Ashley made this possible!

That Ashley, she’s pretty amazing. And apparently as rich as ABC.

Later that evening…

Smurf’s Up! at a blue-lit bar somewhere in Thailand.

Ryan: Ashley’s freakin’ rad!

Suddenly everybody hates Ryan. He’s too happy all the time. Boy what a jerk; who would want to be around that? They start scheming and talking smack about Ryan the Terrible. Not to be confused with William the Two-Faced.

MVP Kisser JP gets some “alone time” with Ashley. The other men watch helplessly from their smurfy cabana crying ‘Bring her back!’ Sorry guys, can’t hear you over the insane chemistry.

JUST as Ashley is about to hand out the group date rose, Ryan the Terrible steals her mid-sentence. Texas boy Lucas cries foul. Or more literally, “GOOBER!!!” repeatedly.

The date ends with everyone taking their clothes off and jumping in the pool. Don’t they always?

Rose for Josh Groban.

One on One Date: Ames

Ames waxed poetic about the beauty of Thailand as they glided over a serene, unidentified body of water, admiring the rock formations and surrounding forest. Dinner showcased his rapier wit and he proved more interesting to Ashley than she previously realized. I may have missed most of this date to try the new Rolos McFlurry™. Maybe. (I would recommend it!)

Mixer

We find out more about the guys. Lucas is divorced. Ryan plays the victim card, perfected by Vienna. The other guys are ganging up on him, but he’s there for the right reasons™ and he has “a lot of love in [his] chest.” Hopefully there’s some in his heart too. He throws out a random reference to soldiers. The day after the episode aired was Flag Day...coincidence? Probably.

Rose Ceremony

Ashley asks for an extra rose, which means only one man will be getting the boot.

Roses for:

Lucas

Goober

MVP Kisser

Red Nick

Mickey - I loved his crisp blue shirt and vest combo!

Bland Blake

William the Two-Faced also in a blue shirt…but not as rocking as Mickey

Then showdown of the khaki suits: Ben C vs. West

And the rose goes to…….

Ben C.

West departs on an eloquent note:

“I had a great love. I will cherish that. Unfortunately I lost it, but at least I had it.”

Next

Chiang Mai

Someone wearing pink dies

Constantine feels closer to the guys than he does to Ashley

Chris Harrison: [Smoke Monster] is in the hotel right now.

Ashley: SHUT UP!

Closing shot of Nick doing pushups with Ashley on his back. Not showing off at all.

Extras

Youtube instructional video on the flash mob dance from the previous episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P-wnOk2kK0&feature=related

Jimmy Kimmel/Ashley Hebert Interview following last week’s episode:

http://abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kimmel-live/video-detail/interviews/pl_PL5520979/vd_VD55130189

 

Episode 3: The Phantom Menace…

…is the least of your worries.

Wow, what a wild and crazy night. And not in the good Steve Martin/Dan Akroyd kind of way. Ashley took several emotional punches to the gut, so much so that Queen B said “No party tonight! Off with their heads!” I mean, straight to the rose ceremony! But before we get into that hot mess, let’s start off with the brightest moment of the evening.

Love Can Happen in a Flash: Ben C.

Hopeless romantic Ben C gets a one-on-one date and Ashley remembers he likes to dance SO they go to a dance studio for a mini-choreography session and then picnic in the middle of an open-air mall. Ashley wants to do the dance they just learned.

Ben: Here? In front of people?

Ashley: They aren’t paying attention!

Ben: (hesitantly) I’ll do it…for you…even though it’s way out of my comfort zone…look! I’m doing it…are you looking?

Suddenly 100+ dancers disguised as mallrats rush the field/picnic area and do the exact same dance Ben and Ashley learned mere hours ago- FLASH MOB!!! 

What a fun idea! And Ashley’s right, Ben C was the perfect guy for this date. He was also a surprisingly good dancer. Far East Movement (“Fly Like a G-6,” “Rocketeer”) performed for the flashers, who began chanting Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! at the end of the performance. Ben and Ashley obliged. Ben said all the right things, even to the flash/kiss mob: “See you on our next date! Dinner for two…or 200.” Cute.

He continued his winning streak by sharing his views on insane, ideal, bubble love. Ashley intoned in voiceover that he has really high expectations about relationships, but thankfully hers are just as high and she awards him a rose. However, Ashley worries that he might break her heart. If she could only foresee what would happen next…

Make Me Laugh: Group Date

See fellas, you were supposed to make Ashley laugh, not cry her false-lashed eyes out. This was painful to watch. No not the anticlimactic, awkward silence that followed the Phantom Menace finally revealing his ‘old’ face: “Hi, I’m Jeff.” Honestly, what was I expecting to happen? I don’t know. Something. Anyway, as soon as celebrity comedian Jeff Ross said ‘roast’ I thought BAD IDEA. When they said they were roasting Ashley- that’s just beyond stupid. Take an insecure girl and unleash 15 guys on her, what could go wrong?

Well, everything. Specifically touching on Ashley’s numero uno insecurity heading into this crazy process: the guys might be less than enthused that the bachelorette is not Emily or Chantal. William got too hung up on the ‘roast’ aspect. And it wasn’t even funny! It went from zero to cruel in three seconds flat. “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” Not cool.  This is the woman you want to date, remember? When you have Bentley acting more reasonably [“I wished the Bachelorette was Emily too, but I’m not stupid”] you know there is a major problem.

Not only did William cross the line with Ashley, this was also a shot to impress Jeff Ross, so he blew it on two levels.  If I were William, I would have thrown the roasting Ashley assignment out the window and used whatever my best material was- which he should have had at the ready since this is his dream job. Go after the other guys, go after the utter ridiculous-ness of the whole situation, ANYTHING else. And typically roasts are directed at people who are used to that kind of attention (celebs, fellow comedians) who know it’s in good fun and they’re roasted by people who know them well. When shots of William scribbling madly onto his notebook were spliced with the other guys “brainstorming,” I had high hopes, but it was definitely not the light-hearted, good-natured platform for William I imagined.

The Mask kicking off the small breast jokes was in extremely poor taste. She’s gorgeous! You can’t be a size zero dancer with insane abs like that and have it all, unless you are a freak of nature like Sophia Vergara. But criticizing your potential girlfriend’s appearance…you’d think it would be common sense not to go there…especially if you don’t have to. I was appalled the men thought this was acceptable territory. Embarrassing.

It came as no surprise that this horrific ‘date’ reduced Ashley to tears and ever-manipulative Bentley jumps on the chance to comfort her, or as he puts it “mess with her head.” While he is complaining to the camera how he hates crying because it is unattractive, Ashley is chirping “I love the way he thinks. There’s no alternate agenda.” Oh girl.

Bentley: Twenty four of the 25 guys were excited it was you. [I was the one not excited!]

Ashley sits all the jerks down to explain why they hurt her feelings, which sends William reeling with guilt. He realizes that his roast may have irreparably damaged his chances with Ashley. I was disappointed he didn’t exercise restraint earlier because he was one of my favorites and seemed like a frontrunner after the stellar Vegas date. He felt defeated because there was nothing he could say to fix it. This is where we witness one of the great dichotomies between men and women. Last night Ashley just wanted to be comforted, but the guys went into fix-it mode and were grasping at straws when there was no readily apparent solution. I just wanted one of them to put his arm around her and not be thinking how to possibly maneuver it into a romantic gesture. No one seemed to pick up on this. Ryan almost did, but clumsily went in for the kiss instead.

No one picked up on it except disgusting Bentley. But only to mess with her head. Ugh. Ashley “really wanted to talk to Bentley” and he was sure he was going win the group date rose, but that went to Ryan Sunshine- who previews suggest may become the new Krazy Kasey.

Dementley

Where to start? This guy is such a pig. Nonetheless, he’s got Ashley completely snowed. After being denied the group date rose, Bentley decides he’s had enough and starts packing his belongings. Jeff the Mask is completely distraught over Bentley leaving. Bentley crows about how he played everybody and this has never been done before. Except for Wes the traitorous troubadour. And Rated R, the wrestler from Ali’s season who had two girlfriends back home. And maybe Emily according to some rumor mills... you get the idea. Instead of stating his real reason for leaving, Bentley takes the easy way out and claims being away from his daughter/angel is too much and he must return to Salt Lake City to run his trampoline center. All of the housemates- or “tools and friggin’ idiots” in Bentley’s words- eat it up and even praise him for being an exemplary parent. Let’s see how  they feel after watching this and reconvene at the Men Tell All. Bwahaha!

As Bentley’s SUV rolls up to Ashley’s digs, Ashley is wandering the grounds thoughtfully while voiceover muses “I’m completely in love with Bentley and if it were up to me, I’d pick up and move to Salt Lake City right now.”

Meanwhile…Bentley is still spouting acerbic atrocities:

I’m not attracted to Ashley at all.

She’s so into me but I don’t want to be here anymore.

I was hoping it was Emily. She’s so breathtaking, it makes Ashley look like an ugly duckling.

I’m going to make Ashley cry…I hope my hair looks ok.

What a catch.

Bentley drops the bomb that he is leaving ‘to be with his daughter’ [who I am not really convinced exists] and Ashley goes into the Oprah-coined Ugly Cry:

Your daughter has your heart- but you have mine! Ashley no!

I wish the end was tomorrow. Stop!

I pictured you at the end. Dear Lord, please give Ashley more self esteem.

Bentley finally departs with a ridiculous ‘dot dot dot’ speech and leaves Ashley thinking there may be a possibility of continuing this unhealthy relationship beyond the show. He finally slinks back to the SUV, but not before contemplating taking advantage of Ashley in her emotionally fragile state. And the curtain goes down on Bentley Williams, villain of Bachelorette season 7.

After Dementley departs, Ashley really loses it. She crawls in bed sobbing, WHY THIS?!?! How can I do this? Was I wrong about everything? She explained that when she falls in love, she falls hard and she worried she might not have enough time to fully heal and fall in love again.  Yes, she just admitted she was in love with [shudder] Bentley. Girl he is not worth crying over…especially to that extent! Chris Harrison said after the 1-2 punch of the ‘comedy’ club and Bentley’s exit, production almost stopped altogether. And this sets the stage for JP’s date…

There’s No Place Like Home: JP

Poor JP bounds up Ashley’s stairs excitedly with bouquet in hand, but it is obvious tonight it is not going to be the bubbly Ashley of the first two episodes. JP is a trooper; unlike some people, he is here for the right reasons ™ and he’s up for staying in and eating takeout in pajamas [JP in PJ’s!] After all, “It’s the little things that count.” Plus he is the best kisser: even better than Bentley (gross), according to Ashley. Well, there might be some actual emotion from JP. Go with it, Ashley! Or for it. Whatever. Forget that other guy.

Rose Ceremony

After a couple days like that, Ashley did not feel like socializing so the customary mixer party was skipped and they plunged straight into the rose ceremony. Ben C, Ryan and JP were sitting pretty with roses, but without time to beg forgiveness, William looked like he was facing the firing squad.

Roses for:

Constantine

West (not East)

Mickey Blue Eyes

Ben F and his crazy Beetlejuice bowtie

Blake the boring dentist

Nick the line-dancing personal trainer

Ames and his unfortunately colored grey poupon shirt

Lucas from Texas

…and William the Two-Faced. Shocker!

I had a feeling William would get a rose because it was the last rose and it would be SUPER dramatic. Also because the other two left were the Mask and Chris D (we hardly knew ye).

Jeff threw his mask into the fire and it burned dramatically to organ music. Is there any other way?

Next Week

Thailand

Ryan Sunshine…annoying?

I like Bens C and F (despite his crazy bowtie). JP seems like he’d be the best match for Ashley at this point: a cool NY hipster counterpoint to Ashley’s hyperactivity. Or maybe Ohio Bachelor 2010 in a poll conducted by Cosmo. Who should Ashley choose? Who would you choose?

Until next time, have a fabulous week rose lovers!

And if you are in Cumming, Georgia, Eat at Giorgios! 

Episode 2: Viva Las Vegas!

Opens with Ashley repeating greatest fear: falling for someone who doesn’t feel the same.

Cut to Bentley babbling disgusting and generally reprehensible comments.

Aaaaand on with the show!

One on One Date: William

Will.i.am.adorable is whisked away by Ashley in a white bandage dress and bomber jacket via private jet to Sin City. The date entails all things wedding: cake testing, ring shopping and even a mock chapel ceremony. Because guys totally love that kind of stuff. Amazingly William squeaks out an “I do” and Ashley doesn’t reciprocate “yet” because it would be a legally binding marriage. Then they kiss and crack up about how crazy that almost was because marriage is hilarious. Haha! The next leg of the date, the ‘night portion’ if you will, is a dinner in the middle of the Bellagio fountain. Ashley has changed into an emerald silk dress and William dons some snappier duds as well. It is super romantic to watch the water show mere yards away and a lot of kissing ensues. William gushes that this is the kind of date you have with the person you marry. Let’s hope he does not fall victim to the Great First Date syndrome that ailed Ashley. Of course William gets a rose.

Group Date

Time to dance for your life! Or to stay in Vegas with Ashley for a few more hours. The group date guys must divide into two dance crews and compete in a Dance War. They come up with crew names ‘Best Men’ and ‘No Rhythm Nation.’ ßHa The Best Men choreograph a dance about being stood up at the altar but the execution- among other things- is a little off. No Rhythm Nation does…something but they incorporate Ashley (who can actually dance) into the whole routine, so theirs looks better. Winner: No Rhythm Nation. To me, this is a little stupid because awesome guys like brainiac Ames had to go home while jerks like Bentley got more time with Ash. Blake the dentist scores some one on one time and had a good answer to Ashley’s skepticism about two Type A’s making a relationship work: ‘Twice as perfect.’ While anyone else would have been a wiser choice, for reasons unknown Ashley is won over by Bentley’s “SINcerity” and he wins the group date rose. BOO! It’s off-putting how much extra effort she is spends on their connection and practically begs him to stay. He is boorish and dismissive to Ashley in person, but downright rude in confessionals. “She’s not my type. I’m only in it for the competition aspect.” Etc etc.

Two on One Date: JP vs. Mickey

At first I was thinking ‘Oh no- I don’t want either to go home yet!’ Usually a two on one date is a cage match situation: two men enter, one man leaves. But playing into the Vegas theme, they flipped a coin and Mickey won the coin toss/date. He is the chef from Ohio who kissed Ashley as soon as he got out of the limo; he’s also a dead ringer for Dylan McDermott. Side note: I LOVED that Jeff “The Mask” wears a sleeping mask OVER his regular day mask. Lol

Ashley showed shades of Ali’s insecurity when Mickey arrived “He’s better-looking than I am.” They decided in the spirit of Vegas they would flip a coin for everything: red or white wine, who goes up the wine rappeller cellar, etc. They eat lunch at the Shark Reef Aquarium, which looked amazing.

Mickey: When’s the last time you cried?

Ashley: Watching last season. But I think crying shows that you’re strong.

mmmK.

Mickey revealed that his mother passed away 6 years ago [do any of the bachelors have both of their parents still??] Quick cutback to the mansion where JP is still stewing over losing the coin toss 10 hours later. I thought Ashley took it a little too far when she flipped a coin to determine if Mickey got a rose or not. He thought she was crazy, but he won. Ash said she would have given him a rose anyway. Then she felt like walking on the beach at Mandalay Bay and Colbie Calliat graced the pair with a private concert. Kissing. Great date. Aw.

Mixer

JP is on the warpath and steals Ashley right away. They flip a coin for a kiss and he loses AGAIN but Ashley kisses him anyway. Now who’s the cupcake? Nick the poetic personal trainer gives a brief line dancing tutorial before William steals Ashley. Ding Dong, here comes drama. William rubs in the romantic details of his Vegas date- which he appeared to keep to himself until this point- gives an annoying/condescending impression to the other guys, AND he has a rose already! The Mask did not go on any of the dates this week, so he vowed if he got some decent one on one time, he would reveal himself to Ashley. He does manage to pull her aside to sit in the dimly lit stairwell of the mansion and tells his harrowing backstory of living underneath an opera house in Paris. Wait wrong mask. He actually suffered a brain hemorrhage while married to his first wife, was rushed to the ICU and pulled through. He was moving to take the mask off when right at that second, Matt showed up on the stairs. Foiled again! Matt is the new Drunk Tim in that he is at odds with The Mask and finds him creepy. Bentley carries Ashley to the fireplace for some canoodling and while she is thinking this is her “fairytale romance,” Bentley is thinking how boring their kiss is. In fact he doesn’t even think he can last two months because he’s so not into Ashley.

Rose Ceremony

Loved Mickey’s lime green shirt/tie combo! LOL at Matt’s reaction to nemesis The Mask getting a rose.

Eliminated:

1.       Matt: called his mom and left a sad, sad message.

2.       Stephen

3.       Ryan

Next Week

Bentley: “I’m gonna break Ashley’s heart…I hope my hair looks ok.”

What a jerk!!! I hope he really is leaving next week like the show suggests and this is not a fake out because his misogyny makes him unbearable. I don’t know how any woman could fall for that type of guy. And I’m sort of mad with Ashley because she is ignoring all the warning signals.

Episode 1: No Regrets

Welcome back rose lovers! Our new Bachelorette is Ashley H. So we will never experience the season of insanity Michelle would have promised. Or the fun of Chantal. Or icy indifference from Emily. Ironically, this is Ashley’s greatest fear: the guys will be disappointed that she is the new queen B. But since this is BacheloretteLand, everyone- including the chosen one- must face their greatest fear because that’s the only way to find true love on this reality show.

First there is the requisite setup intro of the season that shows Ashley/Brad/Ali/whoever working out and looking awesome [to borrow our Bachelorette’s favorite word] and running around LA in cute outfits. She is totally over Brad and out of Africa, ready for love! She had to face the same monster of insecurity that plagued Ali and now she is “super excited” and convinced that she deserves to be loved. You do Ashley! Because you are size negative 4, have wicked awesome dance moves, and a sparkling personality. What, she’s also a dentist? Or in dental school? Whatever! ABC devoted two seconds to that nonsense, they need something sexier like…a shot of Ashley hip-hop dancing. And end intro scene.

Let’s meet the gentlemen shall we?

Here are the guys that scored their own backstory intros:

Ryan: solar energy exec- cool job!

Looking for the only thing stronger than the power of the sun: LOVE

Cheesy but I thought it worked. Especially when he made a heart with his hands around the burning SoCal sun. He made a great impression on Ashley, earning the first impression rose. He was the first out of the limo and the first to steal Ashley away for some one-on-one time.

JP: construction manager

Tired of the stale NY dating scene. Nickname is cupcake. Ashley has always wanted to be called cupcake by her husband: a recipe for love?

Ames: finance. Went to a few little schools. Maybe you’ve heard of them…Yale, Columbia and Harvard. Visited 70+ countries. Ran 39 marathons. Gifted Ashley with ballet tickets. I like!

Ben 1: lawyer from New Orleans. Speaks French. Funny. Plays the piano. Self-described romantic: “On a scale from 1 to 10, I’m a 15. Or 215.”

Ben 2: winemaker from Sonoma (woo!) Josh Groban look-alike. Wants to model life after parents’ happy marriage. Dad passed away 6 years ago.

Bentley: THE VILLAIN! That’s all you need to know. Ugh fine. “Businessman” from Salt Lake City. Runs a family fun center (Funworks?) Divorced single dad, but you wouldn’t know it from his promo which featured him with his dog instead of his daughter. Who is named Cozy. I hate him already. In it for the competition rather than the right reasons ™

Anthony: 4^th generation butcher from Jersey. Only one of the guys to really ask how Ashley was doing during limo meet-cutes.

West: lawyer from SC. Gorgeous house. Wife and soulmate Sarah died of a seizure. (This is a very tragic season of Bachelorette- steel yourselves!) Gifted Ashley a broken compass stuck on West. Great tie-in for parent company’s Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides. In theaters now!

William: cell phone salesman from Ohio. Good Luck Chuck guy- 7 or 8 previous girlfriends go on to marry the guy they date after him. Dad passed away from cancer. Does impressions- annoying or not? Too early to tell.

The rest of the guys:

Jon: e-commerce exec. I loved the purple tie.

Lucas: Odessa, TX. Does something in oil field industry.

Mickey: chef. Dylan McDermott doppelganger. Kissed her upon meeting! What?!

Tim: liquor distributor of “wine and spurs”. Got SUPER drunk and ruined his chances. He will regret it in the morning. And this is the season of No Regrets, so get out! Thanks for playing.

Chris D: sports marketer (I wonder which team???) Performed a “rap”

Rob: tech exec

Stephen: hairstylist from Huntington Beach. Looks exactly like Ben 2 and/or Josh Groban.

Matt: office supply salesman from MA- hey we’ve got a Jim here! Taught Ashley a best friends handshake. Called his mom.

Jeff: The Mask! Entrepreneur from MO. Nemesis of Drunk Tim. In case you missed it, he’s wearing a mask- supporting evidence provided by organ music and dramatic upshot camera angles.

Frank: college admissions officer. Danced. Kiss on hand.

Michael: tech salesman

Chris: construction CEO. From Canada eh!

Ryan: construction estimator. Conducted impromptu photo shoot. Then made Ashley promise to get him a picture of Chris Harrison (the real reason these guys are here comes out!) Tacky.

Nick: personal trainer from FL. Poem.

Blake: fellow dentist from SC

Constantine: restaurant owner from GA. Tied dental floss around Ashley’s finger so she’d remember to find him. Looks like a vampire or an earl, which are basically your only options if your name is Constantine.

Debriefing with Chris Harrison

Chris: What scares you the most?

Ashley reiterates her greatest fear that the guys will be disappointed she is the Bachelorette. They’re not there for the right reasons ™. She’ll let them down…? I doubt they will be let down by a cute dancing dentist, Ashley. Come on! Anyway, Ashley also revealed that she knows Bentley is there for the wrong reasons. A mutual friend texted her that he was bad news and one to avoid. Quick googling reveals it was none other than....Michelle Money, drama queen extraordinaire of Brad's season. The important thing to remember is that Ashley has been warned.

Cocktail Party

Almost all of the guys admit in their talking head confessionals a variation of ‘She’s pretty…so I could see myself marrying her.’ But there was one who stood alone and was not as interested in what’s on the outside- that’s sooo superficial. He does know this is the Bachelorette right? Basically booze, exotic dates, kissing, but most importantly looks! That would be Jeff aka The Mask aka Batman (sometimes). Wearing the mask was polarizing and gave the guys an excuse to unleash the cattiness:

What is he hiding?

What the *** is that?

It’s creepy!

Take it off!

I don’t like masks.

I’m going to avoid that guy.

All to which Jeff said: I knew this would happen. It looked like Drunk Tim was going to come to blows with The Mask because….Drunk Tim was super drunk. It would have been completely unprovoked. Jeff was just standing there. I was saying ‘Get out of there!’ and eventually Jeff slinked off into another room accompanied by organ music. Phew. Crisis averted.

Rose Ceremony

Eliminated:

1.   Anthony the butcher. I felt really bad for this guy. He seems nice, but maybe misunderstood. Like Nicolas Cage’s baker in Moonstruck. Do I think he and Ashley had anything in common? No. But it was still sad. In Jersey accent: “I’m a little pissed off right now…I’ve been single so long, I don’t know how to feel anymore.” Oof.

2.   Rob. He could have seen himself marrying her. But ABC gave me no info on him, so not too torn up about it.

3.   Jon and his awesome purple tie. No! He should have earned a million bonus points for the purple tie! His was also a hard exit to watch: “What am I doing wrong? What’s wrong with me? She could have been the one.” Crying, quick exit off-camera. L

Preview of season

Las Vegas! Thailand! Taiwan! Hong Kong! Fiji!

The rest of it alternated between Ashley screaming or crying. Bentley looks like he will live down to the text message warning Ashley chose to ignore: “I thought it would be Emily.” Ashley’s greatest fear comes to life! It also looks like someone might die? Stay tuned!

Episode 1 on ABC.com