Bachelorette Desiree Ep 3: When Pigs Fly

Group Date: Love is a Battlefield
I’m beginning to see the bonus of having a bunch of marketing/ad execs on the show- they come up with quippy one-liners off the cuff like nobody’s business. Or their business, I guess.

• It’s only a matter of time before someone has a broken face.
• Balls are flying!
• This isn’t your grandpa’s dodgeball!

That’s right, the “battlefield” mentioned on the date card was referring to a dodgeball competition.

It starts out pretty innocently, some group of L.A. dodgeballers “teach” the guys how to play dodgeball for LOVE. And when I say “teach,” I really mean “pelt mercilessly.”

This is all a precursor to a public dodgeball equivalent of a cage match somewhere near a SoCal outdoor mall: RED team vs. BLUE team, best two out of three games. Winners dine with Desiree, losers go back to the Bach’ette mansion to lick their wounds.

Game 1: Came down to Drew – aka Catman because…he looks like a cat – vs. Chris. DrewCat wins for BLUE team.

 

Game 2: Brandon scores winning hit for RED team.
Game 3: Brooks goes down at the beginning of the game with a possibly broken finger, is escorted to hospital. Comes down to Chris vs. Zak K. Zak K wins for BLUE.

Desiree feels bad about having to send the RED team home, so she doesn’t!

Everyone to the afterparty!

Brad reveals he has a 3 year old son named Maddox, who lives with him full-time. There was also a restraining order and domestic violence in this story. Not red flags at all…

Despite some grizzly hospital footage  –  and the third appearance of the black modesty box this season – Brooks makes it to the afterparty in his dodgeball uniform hopped up on pain meds.

Brooks: Yeah, my finger IS broken…by the way, you look AMAZING.
Other guys: DaRn that Brooks and his charm!

 

Chris whisks Desiree to a “secret” location: the roof.

He scores:
bonus alone time with Des
a private concert with Kat Earl singing "One Woman Army" (Hey, are YOU an up-and-coming music artist in the Los Angeles area? Contact Bachelorette producers for some sweet publicity and air time!)
AND a moonlit kiss

Despite Brooks' Herculean efforts to be at the party (and LIVE!) Chris wins the date rose. Meh.

Live Brooks, LIVE!!!

The Smoking Pig

Des is sitting at her sketch table journaling – but NOT in the antique journal from Zak W. – when all of the sudden, she gets a call from Chris Harrison. This can’t be good. The much-advertised Secret Girlfriend of the Pig is about to be revealed early in episode 3.

And The Lying, Cheating, Deceitful Pig is….Brian! Also known as New Girl Nick’s doppelganger.

 

Secret Girlfriend is Stephanie, single mother to Donovan who idolizes Brian. Also a former Playboy Playmate, so Google at your own risk.

The rest of the guys crowd around the window to witness the implosion.

 

Desiree and Chris Harrison try to derail the Crazy Train several times, to no avail. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and Stephanie is getting it ALL out in the open.

Brian: You threw rocks at me!!

Stephanie:…YES I DID!! I THREW ROCKS AT YOU!!!
Brian: I feel like I’m being attacked!
Stephanie: You said you were flying out to LA on business and we were taking a break. I thought you were doing something good for you.
Brian: I’m not lying on national television! Our relationship was toxic and over a long time ago.
Stephanie: Then why did we sleep together 2 days before you left?

BOOM.

All the air got sucked out of the Mexican-style patio area of Casa Bach’ette. The silence is deafening.

Stephanie: You are a lying, cheating, deceitful PIG!!!

BrianPig hangs head in shame.

Chris Harrison: Desiree, does Brian even have a chance?

Desiree: When pigs fly!
Chris H: Brian, please pack your bags. You will be leaving immediately.
Desiree [to spy-guys]: If anyone is hiding something, tell me NOW!!!
Collective “Yeah right!”

The guys act appropriately disgusted, but this is a personal affront for Brandon, who has been the child in this equation before. I felt so bad for him; between the pants-less rap video “costume” and the emotional roller coaster that is The Bachelorette, he just can’t catch a break. Although he shows signs of Krazy Kasey and being super-obsessed with Des even though they barely know each other, it seems like he is really genuine and if he were in a relationship, he’d be completely dedicated to it. Or hopelessly devoted.

Kasey: Love Defies Gravity

This all makes for great television, but it is not so great for Kasey, since it cut into his date time. #bummer
With a precursor like that, this date was doomed before it could get off the ground (oh yes, pun intended).

Obviously the first thing that came to my mind was this:

 

but instead of vocal acrobatics, Desiree and Kasey were “building dancing” on the Andaz building in West Hollywood.

 

After about 15 minutes, Desiree and Kasey are beat because apparently one must engage something called a “core” to remain perpendicular to the building. The professionals made it look so easy!

Enough of that! LOLZ

The pair change and enjoy dinner on the roof until:

The wind began to switch

The set to pitch

And suddenly the tent started to unhitch!

 

Dinner is a bust when the Santa Ana winds roll in and make conversation and eating impossible. These two geniuses decide the solution is to jump in the pool, but surprise- it’s really cold! So they both cover their heads with towels and Kasey goes in for a kiss. #nottherightmoment #UGH #whydoilikethisshow?

Desiree even said to camera this was a disaster date, but she gives Kasey a rose for being a good sport. #pityrose

Group Date: Who will be the LONE man standing?

At first I thought “Hey I wonder if this is related to the new Lone Ranger movie coming out?...No- such blatant cross-promotion would be WAY too tacky.” But ABC didn’t agree. And it was. Coming out July 3.

The guys enter a different dimension. They geek out over a stagecoach parked in front of the Rose N Thorn Ranch (HA!) and find Desiree in full Western hoop skirt ensemble on a balcony. Before she can properly address her royal subjects, a masked vigilante grabs her from behind. But Des is no damsel in distress and doles out some obviously choreographed “fight moves.” The guys quote Paris Hilton and were all, “That was HOTTT.” After the actor was disposed of over the balcony, Desiree explains that today the guys will be learning stunts from the stunt coordinator who worked on Lone Ranger- including gunwork, riding horses and a *costume change.* Thank you Team Bachelor. Wow, did they look great! Desiree agreed with me.

The coordinator taught them AHK-tiiing and each guy mounted/dismounted a horse, said something quippy, fired some blanks and then rescued Desiree from the bad guys. The winner would get to watch The Lone Ranger with Desiree and get a badge from the movie. OMG ABC, give it a rest!!

Despite Dan ripping his pants and continuing unfazed, Juan Pablo gets the badge and extra one-on-one time because his accent is sexy. I’ll admit it was really cute when JP was explaining the date to camera: “We had our own movie theater. And popcorns and stuff.”

And because “every heroine deserves a kiss,” JP gave Desiree a kiss. And another one. And one more. Desiree called it sensual, I called it missing the movie.

 

Honorable Mentions:

• Bryden & Desiree sittin’ in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
• Zak W [rockin a serape]: I feel love-drunk! HAHAHA (With the amount of alcohol on this show, there is also a high possibility he may be actual drunk.)
• James reveals his dad is living with him right now as he is suffering from pancreatitis. Calls Desiree “One in a million.” And not in the Dumb & Dumber way.

James wins the date rose.

In lieu of a mixer, Desiree decrees a POOL PAR-TAY!

Just then, Ben the Snitch!

To satisfy an itch

Went riding in her Bentley

Thumbing for a hitch.



It's a man crockpot!

Sneaky Ben intercepts Desiree in the Bach’ette driveway before she can enter the pool party and suggests they drive around for a 15 minute mini-date.
Des surprisingly agrees. As they pull back up and Ben exits, he puts his finger to his lips and says, “Remember, it’s our secret.”

 

These are all classic indicators of Skeevy Guy to Avoid in any Lifetime movie- come on, Desiree! Mikey T and Michael G witness this little interlude and proceed to rat Ben out to the rest of the guys.

Mikey T: “Sometimes it has to get physical for the message to get through….HULK SMASH!!!”

Editing in commercials led us to believe Mikey T was going to kill Ben, but the only ambulance was for Brooks’ dodgeball injury. The actual confrontation was much less dramatic and basically involved Ben staring at the ground and insisting he WAS there for the RIGHT REASONS™…can’t we all just get along?

Meanwhile, Brandon is unwittingly digging his own grave by dropping the L word:

I will NEVER hurt you!
I’m falling in LOVE!
Just kiss me!
She consumes my thoughts!

You know, just regular light conversation.

Rose Ceremony

Desiree enters the room wearing what can only be described as a ravishing, bright blue neckbrace dress, producing audible gasps from the guys and me.

Drew the Catman is also looking ravishing because he’s in purple, the best color EVER!

Check out my dope purple shirt, yo!

 

Eliminated:

• Dan
• Brandon. Even though Brandon was really intense, I felt SO BAD for him. He said he was in love with Des; Des ran after him to offer some closure and said the chemistry just wasn’t there. To camera, Brandon sighed, “Once again someone left me, but I’m not going to cry. I’m out of tears.”

Right Reasons™ Tally this episode: 8

Next Week:

Atlantic City- James & Mikey T’s homeland
Kisses for Drew, James
GIANT sandcastle
Bachelorette version of Mr. America
Bryden rats out Ben?

Bachelorette Desiree Ep 2: The Right Reasons

Brooks: Hooray for Hollywood!

Des rolls up in the sky blue Bentley lookin fly.

Brooks: Whatever we’re gonna do, I’m STOKED!

What are they doing? Trying on wedding attire. Also known as most guys’ nightmare date. (Remember William & Ashley’s Vegas faux-wedding date?) Fortunately, Brooks is not most guys and he LERVS playing dress up with Desiree.

 

 

Brooks looks like Kalon’s non-evil twin in the leprechaun-green suit.

 

 

The pair drive RIGHT UP to the Hollywood sign (did anyone else think of that Friends with Benefits scene where Justin Timberlake has to be heli-flighted?) talk about their feelings and share a sunset kiss. *Perfection*

After a costume change, it’s back in the Bentley for some off-roading…down a blocked street.

Des: Let’s just move it and keep driving!

Brooks: Uh…ok.
Brooks to camera: I was a little concerned!
Oh please. Like your Bachelorette handlers would let anything happen to you.

Hark, yonder! Do you hear what I hear? It is a dinner and private concert by Andy Grammer (singer of “Crazy Beautiful” in first episode). Significant relationship groundwork is laid as Brooks reveals his parents divorced and he saw/heard little from his father during his teenage years. He remains positive however and insists there is so much to be grateful for in life.

Dancing. Kissing. Running fingers through Brooks’ luxurious mane.

This date gave ME butterflies!
Rose, naturally.

Group Date: Who’s Here for the RIGHT REASONS™ ???

True confession, one of my friends called at the end of Brooks' Hollywood date, so I watched this segment on mute and it made absoluteley NO SENSE.
WHY is there a group dance number?
WHO decided a bunch of white guys rapping was a good idea?
Most importantly, WHERE were Brandon's pants?!?

If someone said, ‘Hey they’re making a music video on The Bachelorette’ who would you guess is the guest music artist? If you said Soulja Boy, you are correct! He is pretty much the last person I would have guessed, but the Bach’ette gods say it is so. I was sure this would be a disaster (and the “rapping” was) BUT having been a faithful viewer, the lyrics made this segment absolutely *priceless.*

Guys with the most star quality were given roles like:

Wes- the dastardly guitar-twanging villain from Jillian’s season, played by this season’s resident baddie, Ben

Jason Mesnick- played by Michael G, a self-described “white guy.” Hey Michael G, I don’t care if you ARE a nice-looking federal prosecutor from Miami Beach; if you can’t rap, you can kiss your rose goodbye!! At least that’s what I imagine Desiree would say.

 

Kasey aka Guarder & Protector of Ali’s heart…then Vienna’s. Famously tattooed his mantra on his forearm the same week Ali booted him in Iceland, leaving him on a sad, sad one-man glacier a la Island of Misfit Toys. Kasey was portrayed by equally emotional Brandon, only the lyrical tattoo was assigned to his *ahem* “man parts” and his costume required a black modesty box.

Hey guys, let’s keep it PG. Or perhaps……

“…Rated R!”/whatever that Canadian wrestler guy’s real name was from Jillian’s season. I lit'rally Laughed Out Loud when I saw James in that “Rated PG-13” shirt. Well played, Team Bachelor.

Check out the final result here: 

At the mixer, Zak W shows Des he’s got more than a killer set of abs: he’s also got a killer heart. I mean, big heart. He gives her an antique journal that’s never been written in…aside from a sweet inscription from an ancient father to his daughter. Naturally this brings me and Desiree to tears. AW.

Ben steals Des away from Mikey T- which is a BIG mistake. Big. Huge. Ben’s seen Mikey T, right? He’s like three times the size of an average male.

James ominously intones to camera – and shortly afterwards, everyone within earshot – that his Spidey senses are tingling. Well, he actually called it his “man’s intuition” (mantuition?) and it told him that Ben is not there for the RIGHT REASONS™!!! And this is happening AT the Right Reasons™ rap video afterparty?? This simply won’t do!...I mean, Shawty don’t play dat! Snap snap.

As James and Mikey T are rallying forces for their Anti-Ben Army, Brandon is spying on Ben and Desiree. But not in a creepy way. In a “I love you SO, SO much even though it’s only week 2 and I’ve spent a cumulative 45 minutes with you!” kind of way from the Bachelorette mansion roof. Ok a creepy way. Anyway, as Brandon is confessing via voiceover how CRAZY he is about PERFECT Desiree, Ben does the unthinkable and kisses her. J’accuse!

 

Mikey T corners Ben and accuses him of not being friendly with the other competitors for Desiree’s heart.

Ben diffuses the situation by complimenting Mikey T’s green-soled shoes.

It is comical how easily this works…

 

Meanwhile Brandon strides purposefully towards our Bachelorette while his voiceover reminds us AGAIN how great Desiree is and she is like a perfect angel from heaven and he has to talk to her and she needs a great man and he thinks he could be that for her blablabla. Once together, he immediately launches into the tragic backstory of his mother leaving when he was 11 and he raised his two younger siblings. And he can’t wait to have his own kids. Subtle.

Despite the posturing efforts of everyone else, slimy Ben gets the date rose. Boo.

Bryden: Road Trip

Bryden: I knew I was about to have an AMAZING day!!

Does anyone think Bryden has anything but amazing days? This guy has the best voice. Seriously, he sounds and acts like an action movie star. Somewhat awkwardly at times, but we’ll get to that later.



I've decided Bryden looks like John Corbett.

Desiree rolls up in the Bentley and announces she is taking Bryden on a road trip because he has never even been to California, y’all! This wrong must be made right on a sojourn from the Bach’ette mansion to El Matador Beach to Orange Grove to…Ojai? Yes Ojai…apparently. They fly kites, pick oranges and eat fish tacos just like real California pros.

Look how much fun Bryden is having!

Bryden reveals he doesn’t know what brie is. HAHAHAs ensue. Oh Bryden, you mountain man. Desiree attempts to make him a smidge more metrosexual at the Ojai Valley Inn & Spa. My question is…Why?! You have your own personal war hero, just bask in the glow baby. What, couples massages and private pool? Ok, maybe just this once.

Over a candlelit dinner, Bryden reveals he was in a serious car accident his freshman year of college and gives Des the laundry list of injuries sustained: collapsed lung, broken collarbone, broken vertebrae, etc. He was concerned he may not be able to fulfill his lifelong dream of joining the military, but fortunately he was. “That’s why I live life to the fullest each day.”

The night ends in the swimming pool (don’t they always?) and after some awkward questions, Desiree blurts out, “Just kiss me already!!” Bryden obliges. Rose.

 

Rose Ceremony: Diabetes-Gate!

Okay I was going to let it slide in the first episode, but Desiree really needs some cheers-giving pointers. Most of what she says is post “CHEERS!” and subsequently covered by the merry clink-clink-clinks of 19 glasses.

Early in the evening, Michael G reveals to Desiree that he has type 1 diabetes. Just as it is getting really good and dramatic, BEN swoops in and steals Desiree! Snap-oh NO he didn’t!! Michael G makes a bee-line for Mikey T and officially submits his papers for the Anti-Ben Army.

Meanwhile…

Brandon looks like a straight-up gangsta in pinstripes.

 

Zak K makes a list of “Things I Like About [Desiree] So Far…” Zak W’s antique journal is still the gift to beat, gentlemen.

Sing me no song, read me no rhyme, SHOW ME!

 

Back on the couch…

Ben says, “No one knows about the first kiss…or this one!” Smooooch.
To be fair, that was a pretty smooth line BUT something about Ben just doesn’t sit right with me.

Showdown: Ben vs. Michael G and everyone else

Michael G calls Ben out: Don’t lie to a prosecutor! You were overheard saying other guys came on Bachelorette and turned their 1 bar into a chain of five!

Ben defends himself, “I did it for me and Des!...For love!”

But what about the Right Reasons™ Ben?

Brian literally sweeps Desiree off her feet and carries her somewhere else in the house. She ominously asks him when his last relationship was- foreshadowing, perhaps?

Desiree gushes to camera, “There’s so much husband material here!” then begins handing out roses.

Eliminated:

No!

Will: “I put myself too far in the Friend Zone.” Sad face.
Robert. WHAT??? The hot one?! Claims it’s an “absolute nightmare.” He’s probably never been rejected before. It IS a nightmare. Fortunately he’ll probably never go through it again. He is the brain behind sign twirling, after all.
Nick M: “I feel rejected.” Simple, obvious, to the point. Yeah Nick M didn’t bring enough drama to the table.

Next Week:

Dancing on the side of a building
More shenanigans from Sneaky Ben
A pig’s secret girlfriend revealed!

WHO is the lying, cheating, deceitful PIG???

Bachelorette Desiree Ep 1: Just Like Cinderella!

 

Desiree is so nice. Desiree is so beautiful…I HOPE SHE FINDS LOVE!!!

This was a recent conversation with my grandma. I get it Grandma. Desiree is like the perfect woman (unless you are Sean). I just hoped she would get bangs again. And find true love and stuff I guess. But only if there’s tons of *DRAMA*, traveling, knock-out fights and knock-out clothes. There is?! Great, let’s start the show!

Desiree is so humble.

The season kicked off with a car commercial. No? Oh that’s Desiree pulling into her sweet new Bach’ette Pad driveway in a too-long establishing shot.
Chris Harrison gave her the grand tour and in voiceover we are reminded by Desiree that she had a super humble childhood. We know this because her first childhood picture prominently features a cement pad and garden hose.

Also, one of the pictures is shown twice. What is this, 20/20? There may have been other better pictures, but ABC deemed these the most humble of them all…which happens to play perfectly to Desiree’s Cinderella backstory. This also makes Chris Harrison gifting her the extravagant digs and a BABY BLUE BENTLEY even more exciting. Are you sure this isn’t a car commercial?

We are subjected to footage of Sean rejecting Desiree for Catherine, who would later go on to win the competition Sean’s heart. Desiree seems unfazed and proclaims that love – like the truth – is out there!

Desiree is so positive. Why can’t you be more like Desiree, Jennifer? I’m really trying Grandma. I’m even watching old Dawson’s Creek clips and SNL skits to get the mannerisms down.

Desiree is so well-rounded.

Desiree is shown performing miscellaneous “hobbies” like rollerblading around Santa Monica in a bikini and booty shorts – honestly, who hasn’t done that? – sketching, driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, feeding seagulls and trying on heart-shaped sunglasses, all to the strains of "Crazy Beautiful" by Andy Grammer. It is especially obvious in the aerial shots of Des driving down PCH why the baby blue Bentley was an absolute necessity. Yes, necessity.

Debriefing with Chris Harrison

Chris: What are you looking for Desiree?

Desiree: Communication is the biggest thing. Companionship. Cuddling. Anything that starts with the letter C.

Chris: Mmyeah. Good luck with that.

Meet the Bachelors

Like Desiree, the men are all REALLY positive. Most are also from the Midwest and/or ad men. The following men receive their own B-footage (Bachelor footage, natch!) Spotlights:

Bryden*- 26, Missoula MT, Iraq War veteran, German shepherd.

I am obsessed with this guy!
Will- 28, Chicago, banker, practices Bikram yoga, fan of high fiving passers-by.
Shouts “I love this woman!” This woman, of course, being Desiree. Whom he has not met.
Drew*- 27, Scottsdale AZ, digital marketing.
Tragic backstory: Parents divorced when he was 8, mentally handicapped sister, alcoholic dad.
Nick R- 26, Chicago, tailor/aspiring magician seeking lifelong assistant. Ugh.
Zak W- 31, Miko TX, drilling fluid engineer (?) aka Naked Cowboy.
I’m looking for someone who enjoys life as much as I do…which apparently translates to drinking coffee naked on his balcony as deer awkwardly pass by.

Robert*- Los Angeles, the brain behind sign spinners, or “advertising entrepreneur,” sporty.

Alias: Liam Hemsworth

Mike*- 27, Dallas, Air Force/dental student, born & raised in London
Brandon- 26, Costa Mesa, painting contractor, extremely sporty…more sporty than Robert.
Tragic backstory: Dad left, Mom struggled with addiction, raised by grandparents.

 

After a “getting ready” montage, Des emerges looking resplendent in silver.

Limo Exits

Drew- Nervous & adorable
Brooks- Marketing executive. Very nervous & awkward, earns “awkward marimba music” edit.
Brad- 27, Denver, accountant. Wishbone meet-cute.
Bryden- keeping it simple, “I’m so glad it’s you!”
Michael C- 33, Miami Beach, federal prosecutor. Tried to retrieve Desiree’s penny from fountain. During Sean’s season. Dude, I’m sure that fountain has been cleaned since then!



Kasey- 27, San Luis Obispo, ad exec. “Hashtag guy” wore tennis shoes with suit.
Will- Dubs Desiree “Athena” for the Greek goddess of wisdom. Demands matching Greek god name.
Mikey T- 30, Winfield IL, plumbing contractor. Defended Desiree’s brother- you know, the one that ruined her chances with Sean.
Jonathan- 26, Hickory NC, lawyer. Fantasy Suite pervert.

Zak W- CRAYZEE EYES!! Exits limo shirtless and asks Desiree, “Will you accept these abs?” (She would.) The guys quipped, “Well at least he has his pants on.”

 

Larry- 34, Berkley, ER doctor. Hipster glasses, attempted a dance spin with Desiree that ripped her dress. His chances after that were also dashed.

Nick R- Turns a napkin into a white rose = MAGIC! Cool? No.
Zak K- 28, Newport Beach (O.C., Holla!) book publisher. Wore suit with Chuck Taylors.

Diogo- 29, Lake Tahoe, ski resort manager. Wore knight’s armor. Zak Crazy Eyes McShirtless LOVES it! The rest of the guys think it’s lame. Mostly because Diogo can barely walk in it.

Chris- 27, Seattle, mortgage broker. Fakeout proposal to tie shoe- just like Jim on The Office. Used so many puns!

Mike R “Evil Taylor Lautner”- Arrives in white coat, “I’ll be your McDreamy!”

Robert- Tie be gone!

Juan Pablo- Venezuelan former pro soccer player. Gives Desiree chocolate and sounds like Spanish Buzz Lightyear.

Brandon- Revs up in a motorcycle.


Brian- 29, Balitmore, financial advisor. Rockin a velvet evening jacket and fancy pants with sparkles on the rear. Looks like Nick from New Girl.

Micah- law student
Nick M- 27, NC, investment advisor. Wearing his own “designer suit” and read a poem. At least I think it was a poem.

Dan*- 30, Las Vegas, beverage sales.


Ben/Brody- 28, Dallas, entrepreneur. Brody the “cutest 4 year old in the world” exits the limo first, then strides up to Desiree hand in hand with his dad to offer her a flower. Then he’s escorted off the Bachelorette Compound by grandma with a whiny “I want to go to the party!” No.

* I like him/he seems normal

Mixer

Nick R rather cleverly steals Desiree away for the night’s first one-on-one time™ under the guise of performing a magic trick. TA- DA! Tragic Backstory Brandon gives Desiree his mom’s 7 years sober coin, to return to her on the hometown dates. Chris Harrison allows Desiree the same freedom afforded Sean in doling out roses throughout the night versus waiting until the rose ceremony. Single dad Ben earns the first rose of the night. He reveals he had Brody with his “best friend” but they never married. Weird. Brian Sparklepants reveals he has bought Desiree a star and dubbed it: DesOrion! HA. Crazy Eyes McShirtless jumps in the pool…and is left there after everyone retires to Casa Bachelor.

Initially I had put an asterisk next to Larry…but he is REALLY creepy in his one-on-one time. I don’t think accidentally ripping Desiree’s dress was a dealbreaker, but his uneasy demeanor definitely was. He also took his glasses off and put them back on at least 5 times during their short conversation.

Jonathan- aka The Fantasy Suite Pervert- also dug his own grave. The initial FS card out of the limo could have been a funny tongue-in-cheek jab at the whole Bachelor series, but he was serious and would not let it go. “I want to get Desiree alone so it’s just the two of us…and then kiss her on the mouth…and then kill her!” Ok I added that last part, but it would not necessarily have felt out of the place during this creepy interlude. “My love tank has not been depleted in years….my mom thinks I’m a good catch.” Uh, what?

Needless to say, Desiree did not bother waiting for the rose ceremony to send this guy packing. I think Hashtag Kasey said it best: #FantasySuiteFail, Jonathan! I also think Jonathan and Fiddy Shades of Crazy from Sean’s season may be soulmates. See you on Bachelor Pad!

Leaving Broken-Hearted

Jonathan- eliminated by stupidity & horniness
Diogo- “I have an explosion of love & feelings to share with someone” #thatswhatshesaid
Larry the Big Dipper
Nick R- magically made himself disappear
 

Bachelorette by the Numbers

 

Number of times the phrase “Like Cinderella” was used: 3
All other fairytale allusions: 10
Years Desiree’s parents have been married: 35
Mike would be 30% more attractive had he retained his English accent.
Larry’s dance dip only failed in 2 out of 50 attempts. Make that 3 out of 51. Hey-o!

 

Awards

Best Hair: Brooks. Duh!
Best Accent: Juan Pablo. Also duh!
Best Angelina Jolie Lips: Robert the sign twirler. It’s a sign!
 

This Season on The Bachelorette:

Someone is not there for the RIGHT REASONS™!!!!!!!!!!!
Will gushes: She radiates! She’s the total package!
Brandon: I’m feeling life-changing feelings! (Well put.)
Fistfights!
Secret girlfriends!
A “lying, cheating, deceitful pig!” ßsaid by secret girlfriend, duh
Betrayal! Lies! BLEEEEEEEEEEEP
Crying
Praying
Fear
Desiree’s Worst Possible Scenario
Kissing around the world
Sandcastles
Nameless male: I’m in love with Des!
Desiree: I always knew I was deserving, but I’ve never felt so loved!
Ben is a villain! We know this because he is wearing the same skinny tank top Ryan the Villain sported during Emily’s season.

James is gunning for the next bachelor, then plays victim card with Des: They’re ganging up on me! WAAAAAHHH
Brooks spouts various motivational poster captions: I don’t want her to lose faith in the good guys that are here!

All this season, on THE BACHELORETTE!