Wow, what a wild and crazy night. And not in the good Steve Martin/Dan Akroyd kind of way. Ashley took several emotional punches to the gut, so much so that Queen B said “No party tonight! Off with their heads!” I mean, straight to the rose ceremony! But before we get into that hot mess, let’s start off with the brightest moment of the evening.
Love Can Happen in a Flash: Ben C.
Hopeless romantic Ben C gets a one-on-one date and Ashley remembers he likes to dance SO they go to a dance studio for a mini-choreography session and then picnic in the middle of an open-air mall. Ashley wants to do the dance they just learned.
Ben: Here? In front of people?
Ashley: They aren’t paying attention!
Ben: (hesitantly) I’ll do it…for you…even though it’s way out of my comfort zone…look! I’m doing it…are you looking?
Suddenly 100+ dancers disguised as mallrats rush the field/picnic area and do the exact same dance Ben and Ashley learned mere hours ago- FLASH MOB!!!
What a fun idea! And Ashley’s right, Ben C was the perfect guy for this date. He was also a surprisingly good dancer. Far East Movement (“Fly Like a G-6,” “Rocketeer”) performed for the flashers, who began chanting Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! at the end of the performance. Ben and Ashley obliged. Ben said all the right things, even to the flash/kiss mob: “See you on our next date! Dinner for two…or 200.” Cute.
He continued his winning streak by sharing his views on insane, ideal, bubble love. Ashley intoned in voiceover that he has really high expectations about relationships, but thankfully hers are just as high and she awards him a rose. However, Ashley worries that he might break her heart. If she could only foresee what would happen next…
Make Me Laugh: Group Date
See fellas, you were supposed to make Ashley laugh, not cry her false-lashed eyes out. This was painful to watch. No not the anticlimactic, awkward silence that followed the Phantom Menace finally revealing his ‘old’ face: “Hi, I’m Jeff.” Honestly, what was I expecting to happen? I don’t know. Something. Anyway, as soon as celebrity comedian Jeff Ross said ‘roast’ I thought BAD IDEA. When they said they were roasting Ashley- that’s just beyond stupid. Take an insecure girl and unleash 15 guys on her, what could go wrong?
Well, everything. Specifically touching on Ashley’s numero uno insecurity heading into this crazy process: the guys might be less than enthused that the bachelorette is not Emily or Chantal. William got too hung up on the ‘roast’ aspect. And it wasn’t even funny! It went from zero to cruel in three seconds flat. “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” Not cool. This is the woman you want to date, remember? When you have Bentley acting more reasonably [“I wished the Bachelorette was Emily too, but I’m not stupid”] you know there is a major problem.
Not only did William cross the line with Ashley, this was also a shot to impress Jeff Ross, so he blew it on two levels. If I were William, I would have thrown the roasting Ashley assignment out the window and used whatever my best material was- which he should have had at the ready since this is his dream job. Go after the other guys, go after the utter ridiculous-ness of the whole situation, ANYTHING else. And typically roasts are directed at people who are used to that kind of attention (celebs, fellow comedians) who know it’s in good fun and they’re roasted by people who know them well. When shots of William scribbling madly onto his notebook were spliced with the other guys “brainstorming,” I had high hopes, but it was definitely not the light-hearted, good-natured platform for William I imagined.
The Mask kicking off the small breast jokes was in extremely poor taste. She’s gorgeous! You can’t be a size zero dancer with insane abs like that and have it all, unless you are a freak of nature like Sophia Vergara. But criticizing your potential girlfriend’s appearance…you’d think it would be common sense not to go there…especially if you don’t have to. I was appalled the men thought this was acceptable territory. Embarrassing.
It came as no surprise that this horrific ‘date’ reduced Ashley to tears and ever-manipulative Bentley jumps on the chance to comfort her, or as he puts it “mess with her head.” While he is complaining to the camera how he hates crying because it is unattractive, Ashley is chirping “I love the way he thinks. There’s no alternate agenda.” Oh girl.
Bentley: Twenty four of the 25 guys were excited it was you. [I was the one not excited!]
Ashley sits all the jerks down to explain why they hurt her feelings, which sends William reeling with guilt. He realizes that his roast may have irreparably damaged his chances with Ashley. I was disappointed he didn’t exercise restraint earlier because he was one of my favorites and seemed like a frontrunner after the stellar Vegas date. He felt defeated because there was nothing he could say to fix it. This is where we witness one of the great dichotomies between men and women. Last night Ashley just wanted to be comforted, but the guys went into fix-it mode and were grasping at straws when there was no readily apparent solution. I just wanted one of them to put his arm around her and not be thinking how to possibly maneuver it into a romantic gesture. No one seemed to pick up on this. Ryan almost did, but clumsily went in for the kiss instead.
No one picked up on it except disgusting Bentley. But only to mess with her head. Ugh. Ashley “really wanted to talk to Bentley” and he was sure he was going win the group date rose, but that went to Ryan Sunshine- who previews suggest may become the new Krazy Kasey.
Dementley
Where to start? This guy is such a pig. Nonetheless, he’s got Ashley completely snowed. After being denied the group date rose, Bentley decides he’s had enough and starts packing his belongings. Jeff the Mask is completely distraught over Bentley leaving. Bentley crows about how he played everybody and this has never been done before. Except for Wes the traitorous troubadour. And Rated R, the wrestler from Ali’s season who had two girlfriends back home. And maybe Emily according to some rumor mills... you get the idea. Instead of stating his real reason for leaving, Bentley takes the easy way out and claims being away from his daughter/angel is too much and he must return to Salt Lake City to run his trampoline center. All of the housemates- or “tools and friggin’ idiots” in Bentley’s words- eat it up and even praise him for being an exemplary parent. Let’s see how they feel after watching this and reconvene at the Men Tell All. Bwahaha!
As Bentley’s SUV rolls up to Ashley’s digs, Ashley is wandering the grounds thoughtfully while voiceover muses “I’m completely in love with Bentley and if it were up to me, I’d pick up and move to Salt Lake City right now.”
Meanwhile…Bentley is still spouting acerbic atrocities:
I’m not attracted to Ashley at all.
She’s so into me but I don’t want to be here anymore.
I was hoping it was Emily. She’s so breathtaking, it makes Ashley look like an ugly duckling.
I’m going to make Ashley cry…I hope my hair looks ok.
What a catch.
Bentley drops the bomb that he is leaving ‘to be with his daughter’ [who I am not really convinced exists] and Ashley goes into the Oprah-coined Ugly Cry:
Your daughter has your heart- but you have mine! Ashley no!
I wish the end was tomorrow. Stop!
I pictured you at the end. Dear Lord, please give Ashley more self esteem.
Bentley finally departs with a ridiculous ‘dot dot dot’ speech and leaves Ashley thinking there may be a possibility of continuing this unhealthy relationship beyond the show. He finally slinks back to the SUV, but not before contemplating taking advantage of Ashley in her emotionally fragile state. And the curtain goes down on Bentley Williams, villain of Bachelorette season 7.
After Dementley departs, Ashley really loses it. She crawls in bed sobbing, WHY THIS?!?! How can I do this? Was I wrong about everything? She explained that when she falls in love, she falls hard and she worried she might not have enough time to fully heal and fall in love again. Yes, she just admitted she was in love with [shudder] Bentley. Girl he is not worth crying over…especially to that extent! Chris Harrison said after the 1-2 punch of the ‘comedy’ club and Bentley’s exit, production almost stopped altogether. And this sets the stage for JP’s date…
There’s No Place Like Home: JP
Poor JP bounds up Ashley’s stairs excitedly with bouquet in hand, but it is obvious tonight it is not going to be the bubbly Ashley of the first two episodes. JP is a trooper; unlike some people, he is here for the right reasons ™ and he’s up for staying in and eating takeout in pajamas [JP in PJ’s!] After all, “It’s the little things that count.” Plus he is the best kisser: even better than Bentley (gross), according to Ashley. Well, there might be some actual emotion from JP. Go with it, Ashley! Or for it. Whatever. Forget that other guy.
Rose Ceremony
After a couple days like that, Ashley did not feel like socializing so the customary mixer party was skipped and they plunged straight into the rose ceremony. Ben C, Ryan and JP were sitting pretty with roses, but without time to beg forgiveness, William looked like he was facing the firing squad.
Roses for:
Constantine
West (not East)
Mickey Blue Eyes
Ben F and his crazy Beetlejuice bowtie
Blake the boring dentist
Nick the line-dancing personal trainer
Ames and his unfortunately colored grey poupon shirt
Lucas from Texas
…and William the Two-Faced. Shocker!
I had a feeling William would get a rose because it was the last rose and it would be SUPER dramatic. Also because the other two left were the Mask and Chris D (we hardly knew ye).
Jeff threw his mask into the fire and it burned dramatically to organ music. Is there any other way?
Next Week
Thailand
Ryan Sunshine…annoying?
I like Bens C and F (despite his crazy bowtie). JP seems like he’d be the best match for Ashley at this point: a cool NY hipster counterpoint to Ashley’s hyperactivity. Or maybe Ohio Bachelor 2010 in a poll conducted by Cosmo. Who should Ashley choose? Who would you choose?
Until next time, have a fabulous week rose lovers!
And if you are in Cumming, Georgia, Eat at Giorgios!
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