Episode 6: From Dubrovnik With Love

This week Emily continues her whirlwind, worldwide Tour of Love in Dubrovnik, Croatia, leaving Ricki back in the States with a nanny so she can focus on the guys. Now she not only has to remember Croatia fun facts, but must also schlep her own luggage to her new digs. I thought that’s what all those muscle-y guys were for.

Date 1: Travis

Travis gets the dreaded “one of the locals” date where he and Emily partake in street dancing, balancing on a wall ledge (while remaining fully clothed, thank you very much) and going to dinner.

Emily is looking for the Romance Factor. Back at the house, the guys are debating this same topic. Ryan thinks Travis will end up with a girl as weird- nee “quirky”- as he is, but Doug has confidence: “I think he could be romantic if he wants to.” Over dinner, Travis reveals that he went through a broken engagement two years earlier and he hasn’t dated since then.




What better way to ease your way back into the dating world than The Bachelorette emotional roller coaster™? Unfortunately, Emily is not feeling a spark and does not extend a rose. After learning more about Travis, I felt bad for him.




Especially when he tossed aside the umbrella and stalked off into the dark, rainy street. And started crying. So much crying this episode! And cats, oddly.



Group Date: Lasting Love Requires Bravery

This is riveting!

Emily takes the guys to the movies…and watches Brave. Too bad Ricki wasn’t there anymore. Or kid-at-heart DJ Stevie.









Inspired by this blatant product placement, the guys must change into kilts, ride donkeys and participate in The Bachelorette version of the Highland Games.

 Does anyone know how to steer this thing?

= another relationship metaphor opportunity

You're welcome.

This included archery, the log toss and something called Maid Leash. My main question- of many- during this segment was why wouldn’t they have done this in Scotland…since it neighbors England, where they JUST WERE.




My next question was why would Chris get the Bravest Man trophy AND group date rose for losing everything and (stupidly) picking Doug for a test of strength? Did he see Doug’s arms??
 P.S. Thank you Team Bachelor for the ridonkulous changing montage of abs, arms and awesomeness.


Anyway, while Chris and Emily are cuddling, they spot a DOUBLE RAINBOW. Which brings me to the main reason I wanted to write this recap (aside from OCD tendencies): so I could post this!

After a costume change, the gentlemen join Emily for a cocktail party where their divergent personalities really come to light. Observe: One Arie stealing Emily away to make out against a Croatian wall while Jef urges Emily to put more clothes on. This does however, earn Jef a chaste kiss, so I’m not sure if there’s a point to be made.

Date: Ryan

And now for the piece de resistance: a second one-on-one date for egomaniac Ryan. It begins with generous cameratime of him man-primping in the mirror to achieve the perfect bedhead/fauxhawk hybrid ‘do and some creative Hunger Games facial hair. All the while, Ryan is describing what a perfect human being he is in voiceover: “I’m good-looking, I’m a perfectionist and I deserve a rose.” Well let’s go on the date then! Hopefully Emily will be as enamored with you as you are.

They picnic and go oyster boating then change for dinner. Gold gown for Emily the trophy wife, turquoise shoes for Ryan the peacock.

The evening seems to be going well until Ryan pulls out another handwritten manifesto: Twelve Qualities of a Perfect Woman. Alternate title is One Easy Step to Get Yourself Eliminated. Although it looked a little touch-and-go as Ryan tried to steamroll Emily’s initial decision to eliminate him, she stuck to her guns, leaving Ryan without a rose and shocked- SHOCKED!!!

I think I saw this once before on another Disney-syndicated movie- Beauty and the Beast.  A P.A. arrives to remove Ryan’s non-Louis Vuitton luggage and the village rejoices!

Arie seizes the opportunity and sneaks over to Emily’s apartment under the guise of seeing if she is alright and to reiterate the words he should have said LAST week: “I got your back.” Arie is given Ryan’s rose. Making out ensues. Sneaky sneaky.

I need more time!!!

He thinks the other guys won’t find out, but if Bachelor history has taught us anything, it’s that The Others- like life in Jurassic Park- will find a way! 

Rose Ceremony

SteppenWolf steps up his game and busts out the ol’ grandparent funeral cards in his wallet and waterworks, earning him a sad kiss from Emily. Doug also tried to step it up, to varying results. He is extremely awkward, says he misses his son and starts crying. No kiss for sad Doug.

Just when it looked like both would be cut in a double elimination, Emily pulls out a second Final Rose so both are saved- huzzah!

Next Week
Prague (YES)
Chris has big news, more crying
Arie has dated half of the crew. He might not be able to kiss his way out of this one!

Episode 5: A Foggy Day in Londontown

Welcome to London!

Date 1: Sean

Pip pip, tip of the hat, cheerio and all that. We are in jolly old England...which despite all stereotypes is enjoying some marvelous sunny weather. Emily and Sean are hitting the touristy heavyweights: spying the London Eye, Parliament, Big Ben...and what's that? Speaker's Corner?? A place where I can actually get ON my soapbox and everyone HAS to listen to me??? Sean can not pass up the opportunity to wax poetic on the loveliness of love and explain for the hundredth time how in love his parents and grandparents are and what great role models they have been and WHAT IS LOVE?!

Emily dispenses London fun facts at each of the locations...The Bachelorette: fun AND slightly educational! But definitely more fun as Sean and Emily spot the balcony where Will kissed Kate (twice!) on their wedding and decide to recreate it. Well except for the wedding part anyway.

Jet-setting with a child, dating a million different guys and maintaining a hectic filming schedule unfortunately left Emily under the weather, so by the time the dynamic duo reached their dinner at the Tower of London, Emily had about lost her voice.

She croaked to the camera "Sean will be my prisoner of love!" Aren't all of the men basically her prisoners of love though?

Sean continues to be awesome and have all the right answers through dinner earning him the Emily stamp of approval: "He is marriage material!" Rose, natch.

Group Date: Shakespeare in Love

Shakespeare's Memorial Theatre

Finally we're about to see the much-hyped implosion of the 'Ricki as baggage' comment. But first, some light-hearted skewering of Shakespearean classic Romeo and Juliet - in the Bard's hometown of Stratford-Upon-Avon no less.

Nurse Arie

Doug and Arie are assigned the female nurse role and ham it up.

 Kalon tells Emily to BEAT IT. She's interrupting his rehearsal and- according to him- he is in his element.

Ryan finagles a second kiss, acting out a scene from the Abridged Version of Romeo and Juliet* as taught at the Kalon School of Villainy and Luxury Brands. The other men helplessly watch from the wings, cooling their heels.

On to the afterparty! And by afterparty, I mean unlimited pints and making out with Arie.  J  Ryan sequesters Emily in a curtained room and pulls a turquoise necklace out of his pants...which she (surprisingly) loves! She gushes that it's her favorite color/ stone. Oh Emily.

Meanwhile a storm's a-brewin. The men plot to throw Kalon under the bus of his own words (first stop: Pack Your Baggageville) because he is not there for the right reasons and just terrible in general. Single Dad Doug is the bearer of bad news and Emily wastes no time in *ahem* excusing Kalon (GET THE F*** OUT!!!).

Instead of being grateful for the Kalon intel like they anticipated, the remaining men were chewed out by Emily for not having her back. If they were wise, the guys would realize that when Emily refers to herself, she actually means Ricki. So you best be boarding the babytrain gentlemen. Emily ditches the party, forgoes rose duty and takes a couple laps around the pub to keep from going "backwoods West Virginia hoodrat crazy."

Date 2: Jef With One F

Jef With One F draws the short straw and is the first man to face the Emily vs. Kalon vs. All Men aftermath. Not only that, his "date" is actually an etiquette lesson from professional third wheel/tea hostess Jean at Chesick House. Who wouldn't like that? Um, everyone! Including Emily and Jef, who ditch the tea house in favor of pints at the pub.

Jef raises his glass "To Ricki" and concludes, if she's baggage, she's a Chloe handbag I want to keep forever. AW. Of course, this begs the question: how does Jef know what a Chloe handbag is?? First the knee-length blue socks, then the skinny jeans and now the Chloe handbag. This hipster just keeps getting hipper. He is hip enough to get the rose at least, which is all that counts. Well, that and true love. I guess.

P.S. Jef finally gets a kiss!

Rose Ceremony

Bachelorette Fun Fact:
Sean once competed in a bodybuilding contest...
thank you Internet!

It came down to Arie vs. Alejandro and although Arie was in hot water for withholding anti-Ricki information, Emily decided to keep the PDA-happy racecar driver. Adios Alejandro!

Next Week

Croatia
Ryan is Kalon’s heir apparent
Why is Travis still here?
Arie goes home maybe???
Is anyone here for the right reasons?!?!

Bachelorette Bingo!

Episode 4: Bermuda, Bahamas, Come on Pretty Mama

 Welcome to the Bahamas!

Let Our Senses Lead the Way: Doug
As the guys settle in to their new Bermudian digs at the Rosewood Tuckers Point Hotel, Doug gets the first one-on-one datecard for a day of laidback shopping on St. George. The guys are ribbing Doug because he is apparently easily stressed out. Just as Arie has almost provoked Doug to the point of shedding his Bruce Banner façade in favor of the Hulk, Emily comes a-calling. During the date, we learn that Doug was raised by his grandfather and his son’s name is Austin.

Emily and Doug took part in the Bermudian tradition of the Moon Gate, which is basically a wishing well that you walk through. Emily aims for the stars and wishes to not remain single forever. Over dinner, Emily worries that Doug may be similar to Brad in that he is “too perfect,” but he assures her that “[he is] just Doug.”

He confesses to the camera that he really wants to kiss Emily, but he moves pretty slowly. In fact, he has never made the first move, so he may be waiting for a while. Nevertheless, rose for Doug.

Let's Get Naut-y Group Date

The game’s afoot! As Kalon schmoozes that sailing is his element, it turns out none of our bachelors have any previous nautical experience. The group is divided into two teams: the winners will spend the evening with Emily and the losers will be shuttled back to the hotel. The two teams are neck and neck, but

Arie’s racing experience comes in handy and by holding back on the final turn, the yellow team is able to pull off a win.

Arie, Kalon, Ryan and Jef With One F change for dinner. Ryan makes a cringe-worthy toast to his “possible trophy wife” Emily.

No touching!

Everybody loves a Dutch boy's tulips

Arie steals Emily for a makeout session on the beach.

Jef With One F is up next, but no kissing for this Gleek.

Ryan voices his annoyance at Arie for kissing Emily last week, comes off as impossibly self-righteous and judgmental. He keeps reiterating that his relationship with Emily “has a lot of depth,” but I’ve seen no evidence of this. Ryan continues to quote former coaches, pastors, self-help gurus and Spiderman: with great power comes great responsibility…so don’t blow it Emily! Rose for Jef With One F. I don’t know why. Meanwhile at the Rosewood Hotel an epic battle between young and old unfurls as Chris and Doug exchange words about what it means to be mature… ironically.

Bermuda Love Triangle Date: Nate vs. Wolf

The dreaded two on one: two men enter, one man leaves. Nate and Wolf seem equally not ready to get married as Nate is fresh off a breakup and Wolf just wants to keep up with all of his married friends who are beginning to have children. Nate, Wolf and Emily go cliff-diving, then head to Crystal Cave for dinner.

Is this quinoa?

Both men seem to be reading from the same script and cite not having enough time and Emily doesn’t know the real me blablabla. In his one-on-one time, Nate talks about his parents’ 30-year marriage, how awesome his brother is and starts crying. Emily worries he is too young for an insta-family. Wolf basically says he won’t jump through hoops to impress her because it is not in his nature, but he’s old so he gets the rose.

Mixer

Ryan corners Emily and launches into Round Two of ‘Are You Worthy of Ryan?’ I’m paraphrasing, but basically in his mind he is such a catch, that Emily better measure up to him. He confides in Michael Longlocks that even if it doesn’t work out with Emily, perhaps he can get his own spin-off show of The Bachelor because “that would be fun for everyone to watch my journey of love.” It starts raining outside. Emily kisses Sean and for once does NOT kiss Arie, but admits to thinking about him whenever she has downtime. Meanwhile Round Two of Young Chris vs. Old Doug is in full swing. Chris thinks if he doesn’t get a rose tonight, it will be Doug’s fault. This tiff was exaggerated in promos and it ends anti-climactically with Chris muttering “I don’t believe you!” to a composed Doug.

Best Dressed: Emily

Worst Dressed: Jef With One F

Debriefing with Chris Harrison

Emily whines ‘Everyone keeps being so sweet that I can’t eliminate them!’
Time to bring in Chris Harrison to ask the hard questions:

Chris H: Is there any romance with Jef [With One F]?

Emily: I hope so! He hasn’t tried to kiss me, but I feel like it’s there.
CH: But you can’t stop kissing Arie…
E: (Laughs)…it’s true.
CH: What about Alejandro?
E: He’s probably not ready to be a dad. There’s some other drama in the house but I have a sixth sense as a woman and they’re not fooling me.
CH: Like who?
E: Ryan can be manipulative and he thinks I’m falling for his act. But I’m not.
CH: Time to quit being a hostess and start being real! Seacrest out.

Rose Ceremony

Sorry Charlie and Michael Longlocks. I really thought Travis and Alejandro would go home this week. Of course I always hope Kalon will be sent packing and next week I might get my way…

Next Week

London!
Great dates for Sean and Jef With One F
Ryan gets a kiss (Emily, why?)
Doug tells on someone who calls Ricki “baggage” and I think that someone is Kalon