Bachelorette Desiree Ep 3: When Pigs Fly

Group Date: Love is a Battlefield
I’m beginning to see the bonus of having a bunch of marketing/ad execs on the show- they come up with quippy one-liners off the cuff like nobody’s business. Or their business, I guess.

• It’s only a matter of time before someone has a broken face.
• Balls are flying!
• This isn’t your grandpa’s dodgeball!

That’s right, the “battlefield” mentioned on the date card was referring to a dodgeball competition.

It starts out pretty innocently, some group of L.A. dodgeballers “teach” the guys how to play dodgeball for LOVE. And when I say “teach,” I really mean “pelt mercilessly.”

This is all a precursor to a public dodgeball equivalent of a cage match somewhere near a SoCal outdoor mall: RED team vs. BLUE team, best two out of three games. Winners dine with Desiree, losers go back to the Bach’ette mansion to lick their wounds.

Game 1: Came down to Drew – aka Catman because…he looks like a cat – vs. Chris. DrewCat wins for BLUE team.

 

Game 2: Brandon scores winning hit for RED team.
Game 3: Brooks goes down at the beginning of the game with a possibly broken finger, is escorted to hospital. Comes down to Chris vs. Zak K. Zak K wins for BLUE.

Desiree feels bad about having to send the RED team home, so she doesn’t!

Everyone to the afterparty!

Brad reveals he has a 3 year old son named Maddox, who lives with him full-time. There was also a restraining order and domestic violence in this story. Not red flags at all…

Despite some grizzly hospital footage  –  and the third appearance of the black modesty box this season – Brooks makes it to the afterparty in his dodgeball uniform hopped up on pain meds.

Brooks: Yeah, my finger IS broken…by the way, you look AMAZING.
Other guys: DaRn that Brooks and his charm!

 

Chris whisks Desiree to a “secret” location: the roof.

He scores:
bonus alone time with Des
a private concert with Kat Earl singing "One Woman Army" (Hey, are YOU an up-and-coming music artist in the Los Angeles area? Contact Bachelorette producers for some sweet publicity and air time!)
AND a moonlit kiss

Despite Brooks' Herculean efforts to be at the party (and LIVE!) Chris wins the date rose. Meh.

Live Brooks, LIVE!!!

The Smoking Pig

Des is sitting at her sketch table journaling – but NOT in the antique journal from Zak W. – when all of the sudden, she gets a call from Chris Harrison. This can’t be good. The much-advertised Secret Girlfriend of the Pig is about to be revealed early in episode 3.

And The Lying, Cheating, Deceitful Pig is….Brian! Also known as New Girl Nick’s doppelganger.

 

Secret Girlfriend is Stephanie, single mother to Donovan who idolizes Brian. Also a former Playboy Playmate, so Google at your own risk.

The rest of the guys crowd around the window to witness the implosion.

 

Desiree and Chris Harrison try to derail the Crazy Train several times, to no avail. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and Stephanie is getting it ALL out in the open.

Brian: You threw rocks at me!!

Stephanie:…YES I DID!! I THREW ROCKS AT YOU!!!
Brian: I feel like I’m being attacked!
Stephanie: You said you were flying out to LA on business and we were taking a break. I thought you were doing something good for you.
Brian: I’m not lying on national television! Our relationship was toxic and over a long time ago.
Stephanie: Then why did we sleep together 2 days before you left?

BOOM.

All the air got sucked out of the Mexican-style patio area of Casa Bach’ette. The silence is deafening.

Stephanie: You are a lying, cheating, deceitful PIG!!!

BrianPig hangs head in shame.

Chris Harrison: Desiree, does Brian even have a chance?

Desiree: When pigs fly!
Chris H: Brian, please pack your bags. You will be leaving immediately.
Desiree [to spy-guys]: If anyone is hiding something, tell me NOW!!!
Collective “Yeah right!”

The guys act appropriately disgusted, but this is a personal affront for Brandon, who has been the child in this equation before. I felt so bad for him; between the pants-less rap video “costume” and the emotional roller coaster that is The Bachelorette, he just can’t catch a break. Although he shows signs of Krazy Kasey and being super-obsessed with Des even though they barely know each other, it seems like he is really genuine and if he were in a relationship, he’d be completely dedicated to it. Or hopelessly devoted.

Kasey: Love Defies Gravity

This all makes for great television, but it is not so great for Kasey, since it cut into his date time. #bummer
With a precursor like that, this date was doomed before it could get off the ground (oh yes, pun intended).

Obviously the first thing that came to my mind was this:

 

but instead of vocal acrobatics, Desiree and Kasey were “building dancing” on the Andaz building in West Hollywood.

 

After about 15 minutes, Desiree and Kasey are beat because apparently one must engage something called a “core” to remain perpendicular to the building. The professionals made it look so easy!

Enough of that! LOLZ

The pair change and enjoy dinner on the roof until:

The wind began to switch

The set to pitch

And suddenly the tent started to unhitch!

 

Dinner is a bust when the Santa Ana winds roll in and make conversation and eating impossible. These two geniuses decide the solution is to jump in the pool, but surprise- it’s really cold! So they both cover their heads with towels and Kasey goes in for a kiss. #nottherightmoment #UGH #whydoilikethisshow?

Desiree even said to camera this was a disaster date, but she gives Kasey a rose for being a good sport. #pityrose

Group Date: Who will be the LONE man standing?

At first I thought “Hey I wonder if this is related to the new Lone Ranger movie coming out?...No- such blatant cross-promotion would be WAY too tacky.” But ABC didn’t agree. And it was. Coming out July 3.

The guys enter a different dimension. They geek out over a stagecoach parked in front of the Rose N Thorn Ranch (HA!) and find Desiree in full Western hoop skirt ensemble on a balcony. Before she can properly address her royal subjects, a masked vigilante grabs her from behind. But Des is no damsel in distress and doles out some obviously choreographed “fight moves.” The guys quote Paris Hilton and were all, “That was HOTTT.” After the actor was disposed of over the balcony, Desiree explains that today the guys will be learning stunts from the stunt coordinator who worked on Lone Ranger- including gunwork, riding horses and a *costume change.* Thank you Team Bachelor. Wow, did they look great! Desiree agreed with me.

The coordinator taught them AHK-tiiing and each guy mounted/dismounted a horse, said something quippy, fired some blanks and then rescued Desiree from the bad guys. The winner would get to watch The Lone Ranger with Desiree and get a badge from the movie. OMG ABC, give it a rest!!

Despite Dan ripping his pants and continuing unfazed, Juan Pablo gets the badge and extra one-on-one time because his accent is sexy. I’ll admit it was really cute when JP was explaining the date to camera: “We had our own movie theater. And popcorns and stuff.”

And because “every heroine deserves a kiss,” JP gave Desiree a kiss. And another one. And one more. Desiree called it sensual, I called it missing the movie.

 

Honorable Mentions:

• Bryden & Desiree sittin’ in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
• Zak W [rockin a serape]: I feel love-drunk! HAHAHA (With the amount of alcohol on this show, there is also a high possibility he may be actual drunk.)
• James reveals his dad is living with him right now as he is suffering from pancreatitis. Calls Desiree “One in a million.” And not in the Dumb & Dumber way.

James wins the date rose.

In lieu of a mixer, Desiree decrees a POOL PAR-TAY!

Just then, Ben the Snitch!

To satisfy an itch

Went riding in her Bentley

Thumbing for a hitch.



It's a man crockpot!

Sneaky Ben intercepts Desiree in the Bach’ette driveway before she can enter the pool party and suggests they drive around for a 15 minute mini-date.
Des surprisingly agrees. As they pull back up and Ben exits, he puts his finger to his lips and says, “Remember, it’s our secret.”

 

These are all classic indicators of Skeevy Guy to Avoid in any Lifetime movie- come on, Desiree! Mikey T and Michael G witness this little interlude and proceed to rat Ben out to the rest of the guys.

Mikey T: “Sometimes it has to get physical for the message to get through….HULK SMASH!!!”

Editing in commercials led us to believe Mikey T was going to kill Ben, but the only ambulance was for Brooks’ dodgeball injury. The actual confrontation was much less dramatic and basically involved Ben staring at the ground and insisting he WAS there for the RIGHT REASONS™…can’t we all just get along?

Meanwhile, Brandon is unwittingly digging his own grave by dropping the L word:

I will NEVER hurt you!
I’m falling in LOVE!
Just kiss me!
She consumes my thoughts!

You know, just regular light conversation.

Rose Ceremony

Desiree enters the room wearing what can only be described as a ravishing, bright blue neckbrace dress, producing audible gasps from the guys and me.

Drew the Catman is also looking ravishing because he’s in purple, the best color EVER!

Check out my dope purple shirt, yo!

 

Eliminated:

• Dan
• Brandon. Even though Brandon was really intense, I felt SO BAD for him. He said he was in love with Des; Des ran after him to offer some closure and said the chemistry just wasn’t there. To camera, Brandon sighed, “Once again someone left me, but I’m not going to cry. I’m out of tears.”

Right Reasons™ Tally this episode: 8

Next Week:

Atlantic City- James & Mikey T’s homeland
Kisses for Drew, James
GIANT sandcastle
Bachelorette version of Mr. America
Bryden rats out Ben?