Bachelorette Desiree Ep 2: The Right Reasons

Brooks: Hooray for Hollywood!

Des rolls up in the sky blue Bentley lookin fly.

Brooks: Whatever we’re gonna do, I’m STOKED!

What are they doing? Trying on wedding attire. Also known as most guys’ nightmare date. (Remember William & Ashley’s Vegas faux-wedding date?) Fortunately, Brooks is not most guys and he LERVS playing dress up with Desiree.

 

 

Brooks looks like Kalon’s non-evil twin in the leprechaun-green suit.

 

 

The pair drive RIGHT UP to the Hollywood sign (did anyone else think of that Friends with Benefits scene where Justin Timberlake has to be heli-flighted?) talk about their feelings and share a sunset kiss. *Perfection*

After a costume change, it’s back in the Bentley for some off-roading…down a blocked street.

Des: Let’s just move it and keep driving!

Brooks: Uh…ok.
Brooks to camera: I was a little concerned!
Oh please. Like your Bachelorette handlers would let anything happen to you.

Hark, yonder! Do you hear what I hear? It is a dinner and private concert by Andy Grammer (singer of “Crazy Beautiful” in first episode). Significant relationship groundwork is laid as Brooks reveals his parents divorced and he saw/heard little from his father during his teenage years. He remains positive however and insists there is so much to be grateful for in life.

Dancing. Kissing. Running fingers through Brooks’ luxurious mane.

This date gave ME butterflies!
Rose, naturally.

Group Date: Who’s Here for the RIGHT REASONS™ ???

True confession, one of my friends called at the end of Brooks' Hollywood date, so I watched this segment on mute and it made absoluteley NO SENSE.
WHY is there a group dance number?
WHO decided a bunch of white guys rapping was a good idea?
Most importantly, WHERE were Brandon's pants?!?

If someone said, ‘Hey they’re making a music video on The Bachelorette’ who would you guess is the guest music artist? If you said Soulja Boy, you are correct! He is pretty much the last person I would have guessed, but the Bach’ette gods say it is so. I was sure this would be a disaster (and the “rapping” was) BUT having been a faithful viewer, the lyrics made this segment absolutely *priceless.*

Guys with the most star quality were given roles like:

Wes- the dastardly guitar-twanging villain from Jillian’s season, played by this season’s resident baddie, Ben

Jason Mesnick- played by Michael G, a self-described “white guy.” Hey Michael G, I don’t care if you ARE a nice-looking federal prosecutor from Miami Beach; if you can’t rap, you can kiss your rose goodbye!! At least that’s what I imagine Desiree would say.

 

Kasey aka Guarder & Protector of Ali’s heart…then Vienna’s. Famously tattooed his mantra on his forearm the same week Ali booted him in Iceland, leaving him on a sad, sad one-man glacier a la Island of Misfit Toys. Kasey was portrayed by equally emotional Brandon, only the lyrical tattoo was assigned to his *ahem* “man parts” and his costume required a black modesty box.

Hey guys, let’s keep it PG. Or perhaps……

“…Rated R!”/whatever that Canadian wrestler guy’s real name was from Jillian’s season. I lit'rally Laughed Out Loud when I saw James in that “Rated PG-13” shirt. Well played, Team Bachelor.

Check out the final result here: 

At the mixer, Zak W shows Des he’s got more than a killer set of abs: he’s also got a killer heart. I mean, big heart. He gives her an antique journal that’s never been written in…aside from a sweet inscription from an ancient father to his daughter. Naturally this brings me and Desiree to tears. AW.

Ben steals Des away from Mikey T- which is a BIG mistake. Big. Huge. Ben’s seen Mikey T, right? He’s like three times the size of an average male.

James ominously intones to camera – and shortly afterwards, everyone within earshot – that his Spidey senses are tingling. Well, he actually called it his “man’s intuition” (mantuition?) and it told him that Ben is not there for the RIGHT REASONS™!!! And this is happening AT the Right Reasons™ rap video afterparty?? This simply won’t do!...I mean, Shawty don’t play dat! Snap snap.

As James and Mikey T are rallying forces for their Anti-Ben Army, Brandon is spying on Ben and Desiree. But not in a creepy way. In a “I love you SO, SO much even though it’s only week 2 and I’ve spent a cumulative 45 minutes with you!” kind of way from the Bachelorette mansion roof. Ok a creepy way. Anyway, as Brandon is confessing via voiceover how CRAZY he is about PERFECT Desiree, Ben does the unthinkable and kisses her. J’accuse!

 

Mikey T corners Ben and accuses him of not being friendly with the other competitors for Desiree’s heart.

Ben diffuses the situation by complimenting Mikey T’s green-soled shoes.

It is comical how easily this works…

 

Meanwhile Brandon strides purposefully towards our Bachelorette while his voiceover reminds us AGAIN how great Desiree is and she is like a perfect angel from heaven and he has to talk to her and she needs a great man and he thinks he could be that for her blablabla. Once together, he immediately launches into the tragic backstory of his mother leaving when he was 11 and he raised his two younger siblings. And he can’t wait to have his own kids. Subtle.

Despite the posturing efforts of everyone else, slimy Ben gets the date rose. Boo.

Bryden: Road Trip

Bryden: I knew I was about to have an AMAZING day!!

Does anyone think Bryden has anything but amazing days? This guy has the best voice. Seriously, he sounds and acts like an action movie star. Somewhat awkwardly at times, but we’ll get to that later.



I've decided Bryden looks like John Corbett.

Desiree rolls up in the Bentley and announces she is taking Bryden on a road trip because he has never even been to California, y’all! This wrong must be made right on a sojourn from the Bach’ette mansion to El Matador Beach to Orange Grove to…Ojai? Yes Ojai…apparently. They fly kites, pick oranges and eat fish tacos just like real California pros.

Look how much fun Bryden is having!

Bryden reveals he doesn’t know what brie is. HAHAHAs ensue. Oh Bryden, you mountain man. Desiree attempts to make him a smidge more metrosexual at the Ojai Valley Inn & Spa. My question is…Why?! You have your own personal war hero, just bask in the glow baby. What, couples massages and private pool? Ok, maybe just this once.

Over a candlelit dinner, Bryden reveals he was in a serious car accident his freshman year of college and gives Des the laundry list of injuries sustained: collapsed lung, broken collarbone, broken vertebrae, etc. He was concerned he may not be able to fulfill his lifelong dream of joining the military, but fortunately he was. “That’s why I live life to the fullest each day.”

The night ends in the swimming pool (don’t they always?) and after some awkward questions, Desiree blurts out, “Just kiss me already!!” Bryden obliges. Rose.

 

Rose Ceremony: Diabetes-Gate!

Okay I was going to let it slide in the first episode, but Desiree really needs some cheers-giving pointers. Most of what she says is post “CHEERS!” and subsequently covered by the merry clink-clink-clinks of 19 glasses.

Early in the evening, Michael G reveals to Desiree that he has type 1 diabetes. Just as it is getting really good and dramatic, BEN swoops in and steals Desiree! Snap-oh NO he didn’t!! Michael G makes a bee-line for Mikey T and officially submits his papers for the Anti-Ben Army.

Meanwhile…

Brandon looks like a straight-up gangsta in pinstripes.

 

Zak K makes a list of “Things I Like About [Desiree] So Far…” Zak W’s antique journal is still the gift to beat, gentlemen.

Sing me no song, read me no rhyme, SHOW ME!

 

Back on the couch…

Ben says, “No one knows about the first kiss…or this one!” Smooooch.
To be fair, that was a pretty smooth line BUT something about Ben just doesn’t sit right with me.

Showdown: Ben vs. Michael G and everyone else

Michael G calls Ben out: Don’t lie to a prosecutor! You were overheard saying other guys came on Bachelorette and turned their 1 bar into a chain of five!

Ben defends himself, “I did it for me and Des!...For love!”

But what about the Right Reasons™ Ben?

Brian literally sweeps Desiree off her feet and carries her somewhere else in the house. She ominously asks him when his last relationship was- foreshadowing, perhaps?

Desiree gushes to camera, “There’s so much husband material here!” then begins handing out roses.

Eliminated:

No!

Will: “I put myself too far in the Friend Zone.” Sad face.
Robert. WHAT??? The hot one?! Claims it’s an “absolute nightmare.” He’s probably never been rejected before. It IS a nightmare. Fortunately he’ll probably never go through it again. He is the brain behind sign twirling, after all.
Nick M: “I feel rejected.” Simple, obvious, to the point. Yeah Nick M didn’t bring enough drama to the table.

Next Week:

Dancing on the side of a building
More shenanigans from Sneaky Ben
A pig’s secret girlfriend revealed!

WHO is the lying, cheating, deceitful PIG???