Episode 3: Release the Hyenas!

Disclaimer: I was in the process of moving cross-country, so you can understand why my updates stopped abruptly.

1 on 1: Lesley

I am beginning to see one of the less obvious advantages of being The Bachelorette vs. being a bachelorette on The Bachelor: advance wardrobe planning. Not only was Emily provided a wardrobe budget and the non-Tim Gunn-approved mantra “More sparkles = More better!” she knew what would happen on the dates and could dress accordingly. Both Lesley and AshLee could have used a tiny hint at their respective day’s events, such as:

AshLee, you are going to be walking all day- don’t wear 5” wedge heels.

Lesley, you are going to be on a stage surrounded by people, don’t wear a skirt that is half an inch away from a wardrobe malfunction.

You could almost see the question marks form in thought bubbles overhead as Sean arrives for both dates in über casual V-neck and shorts. Hm.

End of clothing rant…Lesley and Sean are going to the Guinness World Record Museum on Hollywood Boulevard. But they are not merely reading about other’s records (including Sean’s dad!): they will be setting their own record. Wait wha?? What can these two possibly accomplish with ABSolutely no prep time? Kiss awkwardly onscreen for a way too long 3¼ minutes! Ugh. I was hoping ABC might spare us the entire record-breaking footage, but alas the Disney syndicate showed no mercy.

 

Lesley and Sean claimed their biggest obstacle was not smiling, but they muscled through with a somber, austere kiss. I think there have been hotter scenes on Downtown Abbey. For the record (oh yes, pun intended) I would have counted it a victory even if they hadn’t lasted four-ish minutes since Lesley’s skirt managed to keep her assets covered despite Sean’s 8^th grade dance deathgrip.

A little soul-searching, light making out atop a roof somewhere in LA and confetti blasting (Magical Moment™!!!) rounded out the evening. Lesley reveals she was a nerd in high school and would rather hang out with her family & friends than hit the town. Ah, I see she is fluent in Sean’s love language. Sean says they “connected on several different levels.”  But mostly the lips. Rose!

Group Date: Who’s Going to Win My Heart?

A group date with 12 catty women in neon bikinis playing beach volleyball = my nightmare date. The winning team will be allowed to dine with Sean. The losers will be bussed back to the Bachelor Compound with no dinner! So really no one is a winner except for Beach Fun Ken. And me, part of the viewing audience. J

The stakes are raised to unbelievable heights: “This is the MOST important game of my LIFE!” Some of the women seem to have balance issues anyway due to some *ahem* enhancement surgery, so this should be fun. Play ball! I talked to my grandma post-show and her thoughts on the group date: PHOOEY!!! That pretty much sums up the rest of this segment.

One of the teams wins. Again, like the Kissing Record documentation I felt like the volleyball “game” coverage was gratuitous. At the Winners’ Dinner, Bipolar Muppet Amanda and America’s/Sean’s Sweetheart Desiree barely have words and Kaci B is determined to right this nearly nonexistent wrong! No matter if she is involved or not!!

Kaci B: The Informant!

Girls, girls, girls. If we do not study history, we are doomed to repeat it. So repeat offender contestant Kaci B should be the absolute last person to think Sean would appreciate the whistleblower (and not like that gross song by Flo Rida). Kaci takes it upon herself to inform Sean of the feud between Amanda and Desiree. SO many things wrong with this. Let’s count the ways:

1. No bachelor is EVER as appreciative as the woman expects he will be. Don’t get involved in the drama and just be there FOR SEAN. I mean, isn’t this enough for you people?

 

*Side note: the girl that says “I hate drama” is ALWAYS a drama queen.

2. Do not call out a clear frontrunner. (Desiree)
3. Do not drink your weight in cosmos before tackling this self-imploding speech. During Ben’s season, Kaci B was your typical cute, bubbly baton twirler but last night she was looking pretty rough. Don’t drink, kids.
4. Do not voluntarily insert yourself in a bad situation. Catfights are not attractive. Kaci B was not even a coefficient in the Des/Am equation. Why go there?? Props to Sean for calling her out: “Why are you telling me this? Be Kaci, not this crazy person in front of me.” Finally, one with a brain.

1 on 1: AshLee

Poor AshLee. Before she could even make it to her date, she had to deal with Tierror stealing her professionally organized thunder. First Tierror fake-read “…and Selena” – who’s that?? – on AshLee’s date card. Not cool. Sarah called Tierror out on the not cool-ness. When it was actually date time, Ash had to cool her heels while attention-hungry Tierror was pushed hurled herself down the stairs in one of many over-hyped Doses of Drama® courtesy of Tierrable this season. The medics strapped her to a gurney- complete with matching Barbie neckbrace- when she suddenly decided she didn’t want to go to the hospital. Tierrable then magically came back to life, springing nimbly from the gurney. It’s a Bachelor miracle! Sean’s acted dutifully concerned and checked on Tierrable to make sure she was alright. She GOTS to GO, Sean!

When AshLee and Sean finally arrive at their Mystery Date, it is a day at Six Flags with the park to themselves. Well, almost. In another gallant move, Sean has invited two handicapable sisters who have never met in person to share the day with them. The girls emerge from separate limos, hug it out and squeal in a register only heard by dolphins and Justin Bieber-crazed teenage girls. AW.

AshLee, Sean & the girls dance to a private concert by the Eli Young Band, take old-timey photographs and cry over AshLee’s harrowing story of foster homes and eventual adoption by a pastor’s family. Rose!

Mixer/ Rose Ceremony

SoCal Sarah did not have a date this week, but that didn’t mean Sean wasn’t thinking about her. Just as she was about to have a nervous breakdown upon Sean escorting her to the driveway and seeing an approaching limo, out pops…her adorable dog! DaRn you Bachelor for producing real emotions and running up my Kleenex bill!

The rest of the night in soundbites:

Man-stealing mayhem.
Scheming Tierra.
A too-little, too-late repentant Kaci B.

Going home broken-hearted:

KACI B: The Infortmant!
The Model
Health Club Manager- we hardly knew ye.

Next Week

Rock climbing with Selma
Pretty Woman date with ?
Roller derby group date
Private jets, Hummers
Tierror bringing a “plague of bad energy”