Bachelorette Desiree Ep 1: Just Like Cinderella!

 

Desiree is so nice. Desiree is so beautiful…I HOPE SHE FINDS LOVE!!!

This was a recent conversation with my grandma. I get it Grandma. Desiree is like the perfect woman (unless you are Sean). I just hoped she would get bangs again. And find true love and stuff I guess. But only if there’s tons of *DRAMA*, traveling, knock-out fights and knock-out clothes. There is?! Great, let’s start the show!

Desiree is so humble.

The season kicked off with a car commercial. No? Oh that’s Desiree pulling into her sweet new Bach’ette Pad driveway in a too-long establishing shot.
Chris Harrison gave her the grand tour and in voiceover we are reminded by Desiree that she had a super humble childhood. We know this because her first childhood picture prominently features a cement pad and garden hose.

Also, one of the pictures is shown twice. What is this, 20/20? There may have been other better pictures, but ABC deemed these the most humble of them all…which happens to play perfectly to Desiree’s Cinderella backstory. This also makes Chris Harrison gifting her the extravagant digs and a BABY BLUE BENTLEY even more exciting. Are you sure this isn’t a car commercial?

We are subjected to footage of Sean rejecting Desiree for Catherine, who would later go on to win the competition Sean’s heart. Desiree seems unfazed and proclaims that love – like the truth – is out there!

Desiree is so positive. Why can’t you be more like Desiree, Jennifer? I’m really trying Grandma. I’m even watching old Dawson’s Creek clips and SNL skits to get the mannerisms down.

Desiree is so well-rounded.

Desiree is shown performing miscellaneous “hobbies” like rollerblading around Santa Monica in a bikini and booty shorts – honestly, who hasn’t done that? – sketching, driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, feeding seagulls and trying on heart-shaped sunglasses, all to the strains of "Crazy Beautiful" by Andy Grammer. It is especially obvious in the aerial shots of Des driving down PCH why the baby blue Bentley was an absolute necessity. Yes, necessity.

Debriefing with Chris Harrison

Chris: What are you looking for Desiree?

Desiree: Communication is the biggest thing. Companionship. Cuddling. Anything that starts with the letter C.

Chris: Mmyeah. Good luck with that.

Meet the Bachelors

Like Desiree, the men are all REALLY positive. Most are also from the Midwest and/or ad men. The following men receive their own B-footage (Bachelor footage, natch!) Spotlights:

Bryden*- 26, Missoula MT, Iraq War veteran, German shepherd.

I am obsessed with this guy!
Will- 28, Chicago, banker, practices Bikram yoga, fan of high fiving passers-by.
Shouts “I love this woman!” This woman, of course, being Desiree. Whom he has not met.
Drew*- 27, Scottsdale AZ, digital marketing.
Tragic backstory: Parents divorced when he was 8, mentally handicapped sister, alcoholic dad.
Nick R- 26, Chicago, tailor/aspiring magician seeking lifelong assistant. Ugh.
Zak W- 31, Miko TX, drilling fluid engineer (?) aka Naked Cowboy.
I’m looking for someone who enjoys life as much as I do…which apparently translates to drinking coffee naked on his balcony as deer awkwardly pass by.

Robert*- Los Angeles, the brain behind sign spinners, or “advertising entrepreneur,” sporty.

Alias: Liam Hemsworth

Mike*- 27, Dallas, Air Force/dental student, born & raised in London
Brandon- 26, Costa Mesa, painting contractor, extremely sporty…more sporty than Robert.
Tragic backstory: Dad left, Mom struggled with addiction, raised by grandparents.

 

After a “getting ready” montage, Des emerges looking resplendent in silver.

Limo Exits

Drew- Nervous & adorable
Brooks- Marketing executive. Very nervous & awkward, earns “awkward marimba music” edit.
Brad- 27, Denver, accountant. Wishbone meet-cute.
Bryden- keeping it simple, “I’m so glad it’s you!”
Michael C- 33, Miami Beach, federal prosecutor. Tried to retrieve Desiree’s penny from fountain. During Sean’s season. Dude, I’m sure that fountain has been cleaned since then!



Kasey- 27, San Luis Obispo, ad exec. “Hashtag guy” wore tennis shoes with suit.
Will- Dubs Desiree “Athena” for the Greek goddess of wisdom. Demands matching Greek god name.
Mikey T- 30, Winfield IL, plumbing contractor. Defended Desiree’s brother- you know, the one that ruined her chances with Sean.
Jonathan- 26, Hickory NC, lawyer. Fantasy Suite pervert.

Zak W- CRAYZEE EYES!! Exits limo shirtless and asks Desiree, “Will you accept these abs?” (She would.) The guys quipped, “Well at least he has his pants on.”

 

Larry- 34, Berkley, ER doctor. Hipster glasses, attempted a dance spin with Desiree that ripped her dress. His chances after that were also dashed.

Nick R- Turns a napkin into a white rose = MAGIC! Cool? No.
Zak K- 28, Newport Beach (O.C., Holla!) book publisher. Wore suit with Chuck Taylors.

Diogo- 29, Lake Tahoe, ski resort manager. Wore knight’s armor. Zak Crazy Eyes McShirtless LOVES it! The rest of the guys think it’s lame. Mostly because Diogo can barely walk in it.

Chris- 27, Seattle, mortgage broker. Fakeout proposal to tie shoe- just like Jim on The Office. Used so many puns!

Mike R “Evil Taylor Lautner”- Arrives in white coat, “I’ll be your McDreamy!”

Robert- Tie be gone!

Juan Pablo- Venezuelan former pro soccer player. Gives Desiree chocolate and sounds like Spanish Buzz Lightyear.

Brandon- Revs up in a motorcycle.


Brian- 29, Balitmore, financial advisor. Rockin a velvet evening jacket and fancy pants with sparkles on the rear. Looks like Nick from New Girl.

Micah- law student
Nick M- 27, NC, investment advisor. Wearing his own “designer suit” and read a poem. At least I think it was a poem.

Dan*- 30, Las Vegas, beverage sales.


Ben/Brody- 28, Dallas, entrepreneur. Brody the “cutest 4 year old in the world” exits the limo first, then strides up to Desiree hand in hand with his dad to offer her a flower. Then he’s escorted off the Bachelorette Compound by grandma with a whiny “I want to go to the party!” No.

* I like him/he seems normal

Mixer

Nick R rather cleverly steals Desiree away for the night’s first one-on-one time™ under the guise of performing a magic trick. TA- DA! Tragic Backstory Brandon gives Desiree his mom’s 7 years sober coin, to return to her on the hometown dates. Chris Harrison allows Desiree the same freedom afforded Sean in doling out roses throughout the night versus waiting until the rose ceremony. Single dad Ben earns the first rose of the night. He reveals he had Brody with his “best friend” but they never married. Weird. Brian Sparklepants reveals he has bought Desiree a star and dubbed it: DesOrion! HA. Crazy Eyes McShirtless jumps in the pool…and is left there after everyone retires to Casa Bachelor.

Initially I had put an asterisk next to Larry…but he is REALLY creepy in his one-on-one time. I don’t think accidentally ripping Desiree’s dress was a dealbreaker, but his uneasy demeanor definitely was. He also took his glasses off and put them back on at least 5 times during their short conversation.

Jonathan- aka The Fantasy Suite Pervert- also dug his own grave. The initial FS card out of the limo could have been a funny tongue-in-cheek jab at the whole Bachelor series, but he was serious and would not let it go. “I want to get Desiree alone so it’s just the two of us…and then kiss her on the mouth…and then kill her!” Ok I added that last part, but it would not necessarily have felt out of the place during this creepy interlude. “My love tank has not been depleted in years….my mom thinks I’m a good catch.” Uh, what?

Needless to say, Desiree did not bother waiting for the rose ceremony to send this guy packing. I think Hashtag Kasey said it best: #FantasySuiteFail, Jonathan! I also think Jonathan and Fiddy Shades of Crazy from Sean’s season may be soulmates. See you on Bachelor Pad!

Leaving Broken-Hearted

Jonathan- eliminated by stupidity & horniness
Diogo- “I have an explosion of love & feelings to share with someone” #thatswhatshesaid
Larry the Big Dipper
Nick R- magically made himself disappear
 

Bachelorette by the Numbers

 

Number of times the phrase “Like Cinderella” was used: 3
All other fairytale allusions: 10
Years Desiree’s parents have been married: 35
Mike would be 30% more attractive had he retained his English accent.
Larry’s dance dip only failed in 2 out of 50 attempts. Make that 3 out of 51. Hey-o!

 

Awards

Best Hair: Brooks. Duh!
Best Accent: Juan Pablo. Also duh!
Best Angelina Jolie Lips: Robert the sign twirler. It’s a sign!
 

This Season on The Bachelorette:

Someone is not there for the RIGHT REASONS™!!!!!!!!!!!
Will gushes: She radiates! She’s the total package!
Brandon: I’m feeling life-changing feelings! (Well put.)
Fistfights!
Secret girlfriends!
A “lying, cheating, deceitful pig!” ßsaid by secret girlfriend, duh
Betrayal! Lies! BLEEEEEEEEEEEP
Crying
Praying
Fear
Desiree’s Worst Possible Scenario
Kissing around the world
Sandcastles
Nameless male: I’m in love with Des!
Desiree: I always knew I was deserving, but I’ve never felt so loved!
Ben is a villain! We know this because he is wearing the same skinny tank top Ryan the Villain sported during Emily’s season.

James is gunning for the next bachelor, then plays victim card with Des: They’re ganging up on me! WAAAAAHHH
Brooks spouts various motivational poster captions: I don’t want her to lose faith in the good guys that are here!

All this season, on THE BACHELORETTE!