Episode 7: Czech On It

Even though I am name-czeching the 2006 Beyonce single [for the Pink Panther movie if you can believe that], let’s be honest: we’re here to talk Bachelorette: Emily Does Prague. And Emily STILL has to carry her own luggage over increasingly less charming cobblestone streets. Hey no one said reality TV is easy. Just ask Chris, who edges ever closer to a mental breakdown. But that’s for later.

Arie: Let’s Czech Out Prague

The other woman

Emily spouts more production-fed fun facts about their current country. She asks Arie leading questions about trust and honesty, but the most Speed Racer admitted to was getting a tattoo of an ex-girlfriend’s name. BZZZ!! Wrong answer, but thanks for playing.

What we were looking for was:

Arie has dated someone else!

And not just anyone, but a Bachelorette producer!!

And he didn’t tell Emily!$!

But the producer did!%!#!!

So now Emily distrusts Arie!$!*!&!

$^#&%&#$*(#&(@))@#@*%!!!!!

Unfortunately all of this juicy drama happens off-screen and we must rely on Chris Harrison to relay this interchange…which was about this dramatic:

!

It’s amazing: just as it seemed Arie was past the point of no return, he confesses that he loves her. How convenient. Fireworks with a side of making out commence and ABC misses a prime opportunity to synergize with Mickey icon pyrotechnics.

Bro Talk

Jef: Hey guys, let’s talk about our feelings.
Chris: Meeting the family is a big deal! I mean, Emily could be coming to my hometown next week!
[Awkward silence. Sean working out in the periphery.]
Chris: I bet they’re having dinner somewhere cool!
Jef: Yeah, this is an emotional roller coaster…
Chris: I don’t want to talk about it anymore! I NEED A DRINK!!!

And that was all it took to get the meltdown snowball rolling.

Jon/Wolf: Lock of Love

Emily and Jon visit the John Lennon wall, a testament that the power of music can overcome anything: Nazis, Communism, ANYTHING!
There was also a “love lock” fence where paramours could literally seal their symbolic love on a cool art installment-looking fence…but Jon just can’t get the lock to click. Hm. Their date was very artsy, which was perfect for Jon [see below].

Jon: I want to be more open. As I age, I find myself dating women who are more and more similar to myself: emotionally constipated, cold, prone to cheating with “doctor dudes.” Emily kisses him, for reasons unknown. Jon comes home raving about what a fabulous date it was. Chris sulks.

Sean runs out of the apartment and begins yelling EMILY!!! a la Streetcar Named Desire.

He ‘finds’ her- with an assist from the production crew no doubt-  and with a smooth “If you’re not doing anything, maybe we could get something to eat,” gives the Arie Wall Kiss™ a try.

Screw the date cards! A man makes his own destiny~ Billy Zane/ Dwight Schrute.

Group Date: Sean, Chris, Doug

A horse-drawn carriage arrives for a romantic four-way date in the rain. The quartet explores a castle and plays Hide-N-Seek, Doug’s specialty. As Doug proceeded to count to 300, his chances at love- with Emily at least- are dwindling by the second. Emily is giving him every signal to kiss her and when he finally offers a last-ditch, awkward peck, it is too late. She sends our old-fashioned single dad back to the States in tears and it’s a two-on-one date.

Sean is feeling rightfully foxy after his rendezvous last night, but Chris’ frustration manifests itself in anger towards Emily: “I’m upset with you!” Do not challenge our Bachelorette, sir! There are two keys to different chambers in the castle: one unlocks for some one-on-one time with Emily and the other doesn’t. You can guess who got which key.

Jef: Pull At My Heartstrings

What initially sounded like a horrible idea fast became my favorite part of the episode: Jef and Emily re-enacting their journey of love through marionettes in the AMAHZING Strahov Philosophical Library Of course this is what immediately came to mind:

But seriously, the puppet show was more entertaining to me than watching the actual people. An entire Bachelorette puppet episode? Anyone? Anyone? It allowed Emily and Jef to step outside themselves and into the less-inhibited goofy side of psychotherapy.

Jef earned MAJOR points during his date.

He ran back into the store to buy Ricki a marionette.
He brought up the deepest questions in Bachelor history to date:
What do you think about living together before marriage? [Both: against.]
How soon do you want to have children after marriage [Both: instantaneously.]
He gushed he was a million percent in love with Emily! We can get a dog together!
Kiss kiss bang bang. 

Rose Ceremony

Emily has made up her mind: no rose ceremony necessary. Everyone is feeling pretty confident except for Crumbling Chris. This was his only chance to amend for his earlier outburst. Emily begins doling out roses and when it gets down to Jon/Wolf vs. Chris, Chris interrupts to plead his case. “I acted like a boy, but I know I can be the man you deserve.” In the end, it was the Lone Wolf sent packing for moving too slowly. Whether it was Chris’ desperation or Jon’s inability to lockdown, we’ll never know.

Next Week

• Hometown dates!
• Emily in tears about the proposition of introducing one of the contestants to her family! (It HAS to be Speed Racer, because he’s the only one remotely controversial.)
• Chris is very Polish!
• Sean lives at home!
• Ladies and gentlemen, I believe Jef is the one to beat.