Bachelorette Emily

Episode 1: Anything can happen!

Well, it turns out my devotion to Ben’s recaps was short-lived. I watched the entire season, mostly to see how long Courtney could fool our would-be hero and (spoiler alert) he picked the model! One very messy Women Tell All later and we’d find the on-again, off-again fiancés engaged once again. And who says the Bachelor franchise can’t produce normal, healthy relationships?

The next romantic certainly hopes this will be the case: 26-year-old Emily Maynard. Wait, what? She’s a mom?? In case you missed this point, daughter Ricki was omnipresent in Emily’s intro- refreshingly lacking the requisite shot of the Bachelorette working out/running/emerging from the ocean partially nude. The viewers suffer through are treated to her tragic backstory for the millionth time: fiancé 1.0/Nascar driver/love-of-her-life Ricky was killed in a plane accident en route to a race. Later that week, Emily discovered she was pregnant with their first child.




Emily went on to “win”two-timer Brad Womack’s heart. The couple later broke their engagement but remained close friends.




Emily is looking for a “father for Ricki”- who is helpfully wearing a shirt with her name emblazoned across the chest- lest anyone forget Emily is a SINGLE MOM. The season kicks off in EmilyandRicki’s hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina (a franchise first) and Emily has “high expectations” so bring your A-game y’all!

Individual Packages

Bold* means I like him/he seems normal.

Kalon- 27, Houston, TX. Luxury brand consultant…whatever that is. Raised by single mom. GINORMOUS ego. Guilty of the much-hyped helicopter entrance, but “he would have walked here if he had to."

Tony- 30, Beaverton, OR. “Lumber trader.” Single father to son Taylor. Gives off a Steve Carell vibe. Tries the Cinderella shoe gimmick. I liked him until he said “Who has two thumbs and [insert highly improbable event here] This guy!”

David- 33, NYC. “Singer/songwriter” Hopefully is not as sneaky as Wes…but like most of the guys this season, gives off that familiar self-promoting vibe.

Ryan-31, Augusta, GA. Mentor for kids, trains pro athletes






Lerone*- 29, LA. Real estate agent. This guy seemed like he had everything together and deserved to make it through a few rose ceremonies…especially in light of recent events.

Charlie*- 32, Nashville. I don’t remember what he did for a living BUT he survived a balcony accident-induced brain injury and has an adorable bulldog. Later tries to bite the Bachelorette during one-on-one time. I thought this would go without saying, but fellas: Do Not Bite the Bachelorette!

Jef With One F- 27, Salt Lake City. This guy looks like an extra on Glee, not the CEO of a water company. Pulled behind limo on a skateboard. Really into himself.

Arie*- 30, Scottsdale via the Netherlands. Nascar driver! Can you believe the Bachelor team went there?? Well they did. And providing he is not as egotistical as most of the guys here, he is my favorite. I thought it was classy of him to tell Emily about his profession the first night and get her OK before progressing further.

And the Rest

Sean- 28, Dallas. Insurance agent

Doug*- 33, Seattle. Charity coordinator/single dad to 11-year-old son. Reminiscent of Ryan Kwanten. Definitely working the kid angle; letter written by his “son” wins first impression rose.

Jackson- 31, Fitness model. Uses pickup line/go-to Facebook quote of deepness: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.” UGH.

Joe- LA. Field energy exec. This guy was so energetic, he could be mistaken for an overenthusiastic Disney cast member. Or the reincarnation of Ryan the solar energy exec.

Kyle- 29, Long Beach. Financial advisor. Liked his turquoise tie.

Chris- 25, Chicago. Car salesman. Looks like young Randy Quaid. Shows shades of David “Man Code” Goodman. Gifts Emily with bobblehead dolls. Not creepy at all.

Aaron*- Biology teacher looking for chemistry. Looks like Chris Meloni.

Alessandro- St Paul, MN via Brazil. Grain merchant/conquistador. Speaks Spanish, long hair.

Stevie- Party MC. UH OH. Gets into it with Helicopter Guy aka Kalon.

Randy- Hermosa Beach. Pulls ‘the grandma’ as seen on Ben’s season. This cross-dressing gambit does not work with The Bachelorette.

Brent- 41, Fresno. Tech sales. SIX KIDS!!! I thought he was joking - as in referring to pets as ‘kids’ - but he wasn’t!

Nate- Accountant, doesn't matter.

John “Wolf”- 20, St Louis. Data destruction specialist.

Travis- Madison, MS. Had a Lady Gaga/6^th grade health class moment by bringing an ostrich egg that symbolized Emily and Ricki which he vowed to protect with his life. So incredibly nervous it was painful to watch.

Michael- 26, Austin. Rehab counselor with Rapunzel hair. Gifts Emily a guitar pick.

Jean Paul*- 35, marine biologist. Divorced. Not to be confused with Jordan Paul.

Alejandro- San Francisco via Columbia. Mushroom farmer. Spanish intro.

Ryan*- Pro sports trainer. HOT PINK TIE. Cute intro with note reading “You’re so beautiful” on one side and “I’m so nervous!” on the other. This is how you do it gentlemen.

Debriefing with Chris Harrison/Mixer

Chris Harrison is not his usual calming presence on the show and seems just as jittery as everyone else.

Emily declares herself the “luckiest girl in the world” in a fabulous dress, then segues into “Golly I’m nervous!”

1:02:00 First mention of “I NEED MORE TIME!!!” Simultaneous with first bleeped word of the season.

Battle Royale between Green Shirt and Helicopter Guy! Two enter, one leaves.

Well full disclosure: both of these clowns get roses.

Roses

With a perfunctory “You all exceeded my expectations,” Emily begins to dole out the roses.
 

Eliminated:

• Brent with 6 kids

• Jean Paul the marine biologist “It feels like my heart fell on the floor. And then got trampled.” Hey JP, you just met her!!

• David the NY musician

• Lerone- NO EMILY!!! Kick out the party MC or the egg guy!!

• Grandma Randy

• Jackson the fitness model…but not before he strips down on camera to show Emily and the viewing audience what she rejected. And they say this show has no dignity.

Preview
Scotland, Bermuda, London
Dolly Parton
Boat races
A day of forced playdates with kids
Kalon = evil?
Someone calls Ricki “baggage” earning a ladylike “Get the f*** out!” from our Bachelorette
Everyone cries

Mousecellaneous 

• Tally of Emily’s tragic backstory mentioned: 8
• Bachelorette darling Chris L gets a TV show: Going Yard 
• Want to date a celebrity? Check out The Choice June 7 on Fox. Looks like even celebrities are looking to take their own journeys of love. Rocco Dispirito? Tyson Beckford? Yes please!