Episode 2: Muppets Tonight!

Be My King in the Queen City: Ryan
Ryan gets the first one-on-one date and is saved from Muscle Beach, also known as the “frathouse from hell on steroids.” Ryan’s pastor says: treat your lady like a queen and she’ll treat you like a king.” Well no argument there, Ryan’s pastor. While Ryan dreams of an extravagant plane or hot air balloon date, Emily actually has a day of groceries and cookie-baking in mind…which was sort of a fake-out.



After dropping off the baked goods at Ricki’s soccer game and a quick costume change, it appeared half of Charlotte turned up paparazzi-style to witness the pair have a fabulous dinner. But that wasn’t all: Gloriana was there to serenade Ryan and Emily as they slow-danced, and I’ll admit I was grinning like an idiot during this segment. Rose, natch.



Let's Set the Stage for Love: Group Date

Emily and the guys perform alongside the Muppets to raise money for a children’s hospital. The group was divided into three subsets who would be:

• Singing
• Dancing or
• Performing a stand-up comedy routine

To me, this was a little *ahem* unfair because coming up with a stand-up routine seems much more difficult than a little shimmying. The prospect of public speaking reopens Charlie’s insecurity about his speech following the brain injury. Even a pep talk from Fozzie Bear proves futile, so Charlie asks Emily if he could transfer to the group singing Rainbow Connection which she assures him is no trouble at all. The show goes off without a hitch. I liked Jef with One F’s impromptu proposal to Miss Piggy.

I laughed at Statler and Waldorf Chris Harrison’s banter: “It wasn’t half bad!...It was all bad!”

I cried when Emily invited Ricki onstage to sing Rainbow Connection with Kermit. And the performance raised over $20,000. So I’d agree it wasn’t half bad. J The after-party however was a different story…

Chris (bobblehead/ young Randy Quaid) seeks reassurance from Emily who tells him he’s “good looking.” But she also confesses to the camera that Brad was crazy good-looking and that didn’t exactly work out. Jef with One F is playing hard to get, which earns him a rose. Stevie the party MC starts slow-dancing with Emily. Instead of using the obvious steal ‘Can I cut in?’ Charlie instead tells the rest of the guys what’s going on, they ALL go spy on Stevie and Emily, then Kalon goes in for the kill. Of course because it’s Kalon, EVERYONE hates this but no one more than mortal enemy MC Stevie. Kalon goes on to do everything in his power to un-endear himself to all the single fathers (echo: All the single fathers!) by DARING to suggest that they have put their dad-ness on hold. WHOA WHOA WHOA: JUST CHECK IT. You are cruisin’ for a bruisin mister.

Long story short, "Chopper" cements himself as the resident villain from every teen 80’s movie: rich, arrogant and James Spader.

Come Close to My Heart: Joe
They literally roll out the red carpet for Joe aka Mini McConaughey who, despite an unfortunate shirt, is escorted via private jet and vintage car to the Greenbrier Resort in Emily’s home state of West Virginia.

What??

They go swimming and then change to allow for Emily’s staircase moment in a beautiful dusty rose gown. 

That's better!

They exchange love wishes and then place them in the love clock so they will stand the “test of time.” That time turned out to be very short-lived as Emily gave Joe the boot before their private fireworks show…which she ruefully watched from the balcony alone whilst Joe was whisked away in the Rejection Limo.

Mixer/ Rose Ceremony

Ryan with a Rose causes an uproar – AN UPROAR! – because Tony (Mini Steve Carrell) stays IN THE ROOM while Ryan with a Rose reads a seven page letter- nay, novel. Uncomfortable! Even more uncomfortable is Charlie live-blogging the situation, giving a voice to the awkwardness. Other factoids: Arie once dated a single mom with not one but two children. Again, no one likes Kalon or his Louis Vuitton luggage. Just in case you forgot.

Eliminated:
Aaron the biology teacher
Kyle…who is Kyle?

Next Week

Arie goes to Dollywood…and gets the first kiss?
Chris gets the daredevil date: rappelling!
Someone makes an ostrich egg omelette