EPISODE 2: Whine Country

I gotta tell ya rose lovers, I am just not feeling this season. Me, a diehard Bachelor fan. An example of my rapidly digressing interest over the course of 3 episodes is reflected by my notes. [Yes I take notes; how else do you expect me to remember who is mad at whom?] 
Episode 1: 4 pages of notes
Episode 2: 1 page
Episode 3: no pages and the TV was on mute.
FYI you don’t need to necessarily watch The Bachelor with sound to understand what is going on. This sentence brought to you by Chandler Bing.
Continuing on this trajectory, by Monday I should be actively protesting the show. I will call it the Occupy Bachelor Movement.
It only took me a mere 12 days to dredge up enough interest to write the recap for episode 2, so building on that momentum: on with the show!

The Bachelor crew decided to change things up a bit and instead of just the final two contestants ladies being shown around the reigning Bachelor’s hometown, all 18 are whisked away to the wine country. Watch out Sonoma!

Sonoma Where the Heart Is: Kacie B.

The first one-on-one date is bestowed upon Kacie B, who proclaims herself “the luckiest girl in the world!” Ben makes the astute (?) observation that Southern women have a very “family-oriented culture” so he thought she would enjoy a downhome, laidback dinner/stroll/movie in downtown Sonoma.

It included baton twirling

an impromptu piano serenade (yes please!)

and a private screening of their respective home movies

...which after the reminder of Ben’s father made them both teary and they concluded the evening by making out. Rose.

Come Play With Me: Group Date

For the next segment, we forayed into the world of community theater for Prince Pinot of Bachelorville, which could only be the fevered imaginings of a person tripping on LSD. Or schoolchildren, apparently. The cast included a Valley Girl, a badger, a wizard, a gingerbread man and Ben in the titular role of prince-turned-sheep.

The “ladies” took part in an improv session for an audience of the children/screenplay masterminds and Blakeley thought this was an appropriate outfit:

The tragic onesie lives on!

Surprise! The curtain has not gone down– this was only a dress rehearsal for an evening show to be performed in front of a live audience, including Ben’s friends. And everyone gets costumes!

At the cocktail party later that evening, Blakeley ominously opened with “I’m a Scorpio and we are passionate.” Uh-oh. She proceeded to make out with Ben in the pool and gave Courtney a run for her money as most-hated girl in the house. In other news, the girls accused Courtney of not being a “real person” and “getting under our skin.” Kiss for Jennifer the accountant (my second-fave after Jamie the NY nurse) but the rose goes to passionate Scorpio Blakeley.

Let’s Spin the Bottle: Courtney

The second one-on-one goes to Courtney the model, who Ben lervs…because she is a model. He gushes that she is the “complete package” and might be “too good to be true.” Hm. Ben takes her on a romantic, low-key picnic with third wheel/best friend/self-proclaimed son Scotch the dog. Ben, look at those eyes! If dogs are good judges of character, what do you think Scotch is trying to say??

After much coaxing and an unfortunate encore of Ben’s crazy doggie voice, Scotch is forced to perform a song for Courtney as Courtney performs the proverbial song-and-dance that is dating by opining she “never gets asked out.” Wah! Rose for Courtney.

Mixer

The Blakeley Situation: Blakeley already had a rose but stole Ben throughout the night and fueled the other “ladies’” jealousy by acting overtly ridiculous, prompting cries of “Where are your morals??” Courtney live-blogs the BS: “It’s like a war out there!” The girls are pretty vicious to Blakeley and devolve to name-calling [horseface, toxic, toxic horseface] which sends the former Hooters waitress spiraling into a puddle of tears in the luggage room.

Jenna is up to her usual shenanigans [read: crying a river] and blows her one-on-one time with Ben by telling him she’s “not a girl…do you know what I mean.” I think she was going for ‘tomboy’ but Ben looks befuddled. Of course his hair contributes to an overall look of befuddlement anyway, so it was difficult to tell. Jenna runs to the nearest bedroom and commences with the crying. Ben finds both crying women and doesn’t know how to react: “The women are getting emotional!!!”

Rose Ceremony

Jennifer*
Emily
Elise- who?
Jaclyn
Erika
Rachel aka Busy Phillips
Lindzi “That’s me!”
Nicki
Kasey S
Samantha
Monica
Jamie aka brunette Blake Lively*
Brittney aka Kate Winslet

Our sensitive blogger has the much-hyped meltdown

If only your wizard magic could have saved you.

Next Week

San Francisco
Naked skiing
Ex-girlfriend comes back
Secret from Brittney

Odds and Ends

I found a surprisingly insightful blog by Ben’s long-lost Greek brother Constantine [Eat at Giorgio's!]

Rent the Bachelor mansion for $35,000/month

Next Bachelorette: Emily Maynard

Least surprising news of the night: Krazy Kasey arrested. Of course I’d be even less surprised if it were Vienna.

Ben's Vexatious Hair and Possible Makeovers

It might be more than a bad hair day when you are at Sundance hanging with indie darlings and your hair is more distracting than Michael Cera’s parole offender moustache.

As Ben continued to hover like a giant over women despite their 5” lady-of-the-night footwear, I found myself wondering how tall he is (6’2”) and after a quick detour to CelebtriyHeightAndWeight.com, I stumbled upon this fascinating expose on what rose ceremonies are like for Bachelor Ben. And they’re actually stressful for him too because he has to, like, remember everybody’s names and stuff.