Bachelor Ben: Episode 1

Welcome back rose lovers!

Wow, so much has happened that it is hard to believe our last ‘journey’ together ended only in August. By now I’m sure you know Ashley picked [spoiler alert] JP over Ben in an oft-aired rejection of Ben’s heartfelt proposal. (Ashley WHY did you let him even get down on one knee?? Honestly who is that cruel?) Good luck Jordan Paul.  I think Ben dodged a bullet on that one. It was refreshing that he reacted like a “real” person would. I think she was leading him on- hello night before! – and even though she thought he was “totally mean” I don’t think it was unjustified.

ABC picked Ben as their next Bachelor. I thought Ben would be too level-headed and rational to accept this offer…but then what guy would turn down boatloads of money, exotic travel and 25 women fawning over him? Not Ben! How about dating a gorgeous albeit grammatically-challenged minor celebrity? Also no! Well, maybe after one date, but then definitely no!

So that leaves us no choice but to embark on a new ABC-sponsored, booze-fueled journey to true love. Which of course is how all fairy tales begin.

For the record I thought Ryan would have made an excellent Bachelor (even though he was the third runner-up) because he’s just so darn positive all the time. An interesting idea for this season would be to have a tag-team double Bachelor with Ben and Constantine because they look like long-lost twins and basically have the same personality. But only if the producers could figure out a way so each would have their own pool of ‘ladies’ because I wouldn’t want them to fight each other…only to fight for love! Anyway enough with my ideas of what would be entertaining and on to reality…

The required intro portion of the show reiterated Ben’s rejected proposal to Ashley for the umpteenth time. And then, emerging from the hilly streets on San Francisco looking more Josh Groban-y than ever with a purposeful gait and triumphant music swelling, Ben intones in voiceover that he has moved on and is ready to look for love again in front of millions of viewers. Yay! The following montage depicts Ben partaking in previously unknown, completely divergent interests (piano…and kayaking?) to show that he’s just like the rest of us who love playing in a tribute band and crab fishing.

The “Ladies”

Here are the ladies who scored their own intro packages:

Lindzi- 26, Bellevue WA

She showed up riding a freaking horse people! And it won her the first impression rose.

Suffered text message breakup (ouch)

Amber- 28, Waverley NE

Critical care nurse

Kacie- 24, Clarksville TN

Administrative Assistant

Describes herself as “goofy and hot with touch of crazy.” Hopes Ben is seeking same.

Courtney- 28, Santa Monica CA

Model

Wants at least a 2 carat diamond. Good thing Neil Lane is part of the Bachelor equation, if she can hang around long enough. Oh wait, she’s a model- how silly of me. See you at the finish line Courtney.

Jamie- 25, Dryden NY

Registered Nurse

Grew up without a father, was granted custody of her siblings because of her mother’s ‘dependency issues’

My favorite!

Lindsie…doesn’t anyone use “Lindsey” anymore??- 29, Scottsdale AZ

Internet entrepreneur

Father was a diplomat, well-traveled… possibly crazy

Jenna- 27, NYC

Blogger/Romance writer/Carrie from Sex in the City personified

Shawn- 28, Phoenix AZ

Finance advisor, single mom

Nicki- 26, Hearst TX

Married at 21, divorced

Debriefing with Chris Harrison

Ben was sporting some strange hair and a skinny tie and he is NERVOUS. I just hope the Bachelor team has not completely revamped his wardrobe and we’ll see some trademark Mr. Rogers cardigans later this season.

Chris H: Tell us again about how it felt to be dumped on national television.

Ben: I’m thankful for the experience because it showed me I could love again. The worst has happened. I’m available now.

Chris H: Tell us again about how much you miss your father/best friend.

Ben: I didn’t realize the extent of its effect on all areas of my life. When I see a hummingbird, I interpret it as a good sign from my father. (Well 25 women waiting in limos could also be a good sign I guess.)

Chris H: Let the journey begin!

Limo Roulette

We had some interesting characters: Canadian Bacon, a lawyer who secretly wants to be a comedienne [You’re guilty…of being sexy!], an epidemiologist/germaphobe who went for the first kiss after disinfecting Bachelor Ben natch, Miss Pacific Palisades, a giant hat with a woman hidden somewhere underneath and…a grandma?? [Record scratch]

Sheryl*, a 72-years-young resident of Pueblo, CO exited the limo on crutches and declared her love for Ben…and then introduced our speechless bachelor to her granddaughter Britney. Phew! *Grandma of Britney will henceforth be known as GOB.

Once everyone was in the house, you’d think the corniness and gimmicks might subside…but you would be wrong! It only increased. Some of the shenanigans included a game of pick-up soccer/kickball, making Ben do pushups, line dancing and blindfolded candy tasting. So just the normal getting-to-know-you activities.

Catchphrases

I don’t know if the women were given some sort of loose scripts but EVERYONE referred to Ben as “adorable,” “real” or “genuine.” Do not deviate from these adjectives, ladies. No Ben is not sexy, he is adorable.

Equations

PhD ≠ rap skillz

Monica + Blakeley = self-described “lesbian crème puff”

Monica + Jenna + undisclosed amounts of alcohol = DRAMA!

Picked On

GOB- why’s everyone gotta be hatin’ on the grandma yo?

Courtney the model- this is a no brainer obvs

Lindzi and her horse

Basically anyone who scrounged up a microscopically larger amount of interest than the collective group

Rose Ceremony

Jenna, who was edited to assume the fabulous Carrie Bradshaw role in this journey, devolves into a crying hot mess. Jenna is "extremely sensitive” and milks the victim card throughout the night trying to gather recruits against Monica, who is terrible…because she laughs at everything when she is drunk? Yes, that translates to pure evil. Sigh, why do I like this show? Jenna tracks down Monica and demands to know why she doesn’t like her [um Jenna, you guys are all competing against each other. Just an FYI] and proceeds to lock herself in a broom closet and continue sobbing.

She must be lured out so the rose ceremony can begin.

 

Roses for:

Nurse Jamie (yay!), Rachel, Blakeley, PhD Emily, Kacie B from TN, Kasey S in a sheer dress, Britney GOB, Erica sparkly dress, Single Mom Shawn, Divorced Nicki, Accountant Jennifer, Elise, Pageant Queen Samantha, Model Courtney, Jaclyn, Salt Lake City Monica, Crying Jenna

Season Overview

Model behavior from Courtney including but not limited to scheming and skinny dipping

LOTS of crying

A little fainting (thanks for setting the bar, Ames)

Ben holding a ring, editing suggests he may get rejected again

Female voiceover ominously doubts whether she is ready to be a wife and mother