Bachelorette Desiree Ep 8: Hometown Dates

Zak: Dallas, TX
Debriefing
Zak is very close to his sister à sister is very protective of him
Zak is the oldest son.
Des will be meeting Dad, Mom, Brother and Sister.

Controlled Mayhem

“I had a weird dream….” As many of my friends can attest, I say this quite a lot. But Zak’s “dream” only serves as a segue for Des serving a million kids snow cones while he dresses up in a penguin suit.

 

The Partridge Family-Feel Good-Fun Time Band segment. Cheesy? Yes. But the lyrics tugged at the heart.

Notable Quotables

Zak: I’d kind of given up on love.
Mom: I know, honey…I was worried about you!

Zak: On the show, I’ve been completely naked at least 3 times. HAHAHA!

Mom: I’m not surprised.

Zak to Des: I love you! Please accept this promise ring. KISS.

Blessing from family: YES

Fashion DO’s

Penguin suits

Promise rings from Atlantic City

Des’ teal leather jacket. Dallas, schmallas- I’m gonna wear what I want!

Drew: Scottsdale, AZ    
Debriefing
Meeting Dad, Mom + New Stepdad, Brother, Sister Melissa, Other Sister + Husband + 2 kids
Dad has never been to Mom’s place until now.
Drew is the youngest.

Controlled Mayhem

Drew & Des pick up severely handicapped sister Melissa.
Drew: She can’t verbalize her feelings, but you can tell if she’s in a good or bad mood.
Melissa grabs Des’ hair.
Drew: She may get grabby. She likes your hair!

Drew, Des and co play a modified version of the Newlywed Game, where the final verdict is Drew + Des = DESTINY!

Notable Quotables

Dad: Do you believe in angels?
Des: Yes.
Dad: Have you ever met one?
Des: No.
Dad: You’re wrong. Melissa is an angel.
Des: [Crying]

Drew: I love you! I’m overwhelmed with LOVE!!! KISS.

Blessing from family: YES

Fashion DO

Pink shirts 

 

Fashion DON’T

Wearing THE MOST hair gel you ever have on the show. To combat the muggy Scottsdalian weather?

TOO MUCH HAIR WHAAaaaaat was I saying again? ;)

Chris: McMinnville, OR

Debriefing
Meeting Dad, Mom, Sister, Sister + Husband, Brother
Chris is the middle child.

Controlled Mayhem

Chris & Des play baseball on his childhood turf.

Dad adjusts Desiree’s back, which is awkward for Des and the viewing audience.

 

Dad then gives Chris a nose job, which is disgusting to everyone but Dad and Chris. 

Notable Quotables

Des speaks Chris’ love language, which is hitting baseballs.
Des then subjects Chris to her love language which is a sketchbook of their journey filled with crayon drawings and misspelled words. I might not have Desiree’s set of washboard abs, but at least I can spell words over 2 syllables. Please form an orderly line, gentlemen.

Rende(z)vous?

Dad: Is she as health-obsessed as you?

Chris: YES! She even played volleyball in school!

Chris to Des: I love you! KISS.

We also learn Desiree has been living on her own since 18, which probably means no college. Forget spelling. I guess I DO need to get a set of washboard abs.

Mom sounds like she’s been mixing alcohol with some of Dad’s chiropractor pain pills, but she provides the night’s best soundbite:

Good guy, good girl, put them together…and MAGIC!

Blessing from family: YES

Fashion DO

Baby blue baseball tee + black sports eye makeup

Brooks: Salt Lake City, UT

Debriefing
Mom + too many siblings/spouses/children to count

Controlled Mayhem

Recreating the canoe scene from The Notebook…excluding the nearly capsizing part.

Meeting Brooks’ GIANT, gregarious family!

Notable Quotables

Brooks Brother: Can she hang with you, bro??
Brooks: Yes. Yes, she can.
(I think I can speak for the entire viewing audience when I say that was obviously the most pressing question on our minds.)

Des: I love Brooks!

Brooks: I don’t know how I feel about Desiree.

Brooks to Mom: There’s no opinion I value more than yours. You’re my favorite person!

Blessing from MOM/family: YES

Fashion DO’s

Brooks’ socks
Nametags

Mom’s statement necklace. It was a BIG statement.

Des’ scarf

Desiree’s Jerk Brother: Los Angeles, CA

Des has not seen/spoken to her brother since he ruined her chances with Sean on her hometown date. Des wanted to test the waters and see if he should be included when the final two guys meet her family. Nope. He is still a jerk. Glad we cleared that up.

Rose Ceremony

Debriefing with Chris Harrison
Des to Chris H: I was expecting/hoping for a proposal from Brooks, but I’m confused after Chris’ hometown date. (Honestly I thought Chris’ date seemed the most uncomfortable/awkward, but that could be editing.)

Fashion DO’s

Des’ dress
Chris Harrison’s eggplant tie- delish!

Drew’s purple shirt + pocket square 

Eliminated: Zak L

Zak: I’m so shocked. I feel numb.
Des [handing promise ring back]: My feelings were not at the same place as yours.

Zak gave one of the most touching limo exit monologues to date:

She made me believe in love again. I let myself completely fall. Now I’m going back to a dark place. I’ve tried to find love there before and it hasn’t worked. I don’t want to go back to the life I had. It’s a lonely life.

Des cheers the remaining guys and chirps in voiceover:

There’s NOTHING holding me back from finding The One!
Cue camera pan-out to Jerk Brother lurking in the lobby like a serial killer…and cut to black.

BOOM! 

Next Week

Men Tell All:
Michael vs. Ben
Brian vs. the guys
James vs. the WORLD!

In Two Weeks

Romantic Overnight Dates
Everyone is in LOVE with Des
Everyone is crying
Des: I never thought this is where I would be. To be honest, I’m done. I just want to go home!

Bachelorette Desiree: Episodes 5 - 7

Since the last time I posted, I have flown far and wide on 2 vacations and been accepted into grad school. I am 4 episodes behind and currently staring 8 pages of notes in the face…so even though it goes against every fiber of my being, for the sake of sanity/time I am going to sacrifice the details I love so much in favor of a whirlwind recap of the Germany-Spain-Portugal episodes. To reflect the fleeting moments and march of time on this season’s Journey of Love.™  Naturally.

Munich, Germany

1 on 1: Chris

This date included everything stereotypically dorky about Germany: dirndls, lederhosen, polka.
Chris & Des do their best Lady & the Tramp impersonation with sausage.
Just typing that felt so, so wrong.

Chris: “I’m jacked! (hopefully that means something akin to ‘good’ or ‘happy’)…I don’t think anything could go wrong!”

Cue Bryden, still smarting from being ignored at the pool party- WAAAAY back when they were in the USA. He asks all passers-by if they’ve seen a camera crew. He finds ChriDes in the Rathaus and interrupts their polka-ing to announce his departure.

Back at the hotel the guys rock different colors of the same hoodie while discussing the possible ramifications of Bryden’s departure.

Chris & Des have dinner in a Royal Conference Hall.

Chris reads a poem that makes Desiree cry. Because it’s so…good.

He gushes that she has all the qualities he’s looking for. One of the first things on that list is “Throw a football.” Hm.
Both marvel about how “comfortable” their time together is.

We're so comfortable!

Private concert by Matt White.

Chris: “This is real and this…is happening.”

Deep.

Rose.

Group Date

I’m not doing very well with omitting details. I’ll try harder.

Recipe for Group Date from Hell: Take a tram to the top of the mountain, sled all day, and receive terrible marriage advise from a sexist yodeler (or a “juggler” if you ask Juan Pablo).

Cue completely forced metaphor of love conveyed by this date: “Love is like sledding down a slope.”

Let’s just hope you don’t run over your loved one with your sled. Like CatManDrew.

An impromptu snowball fight prompts Des to declare this the “happiest place on Earth!”

Hey, isn’t that literally the slogan of ABC parent company, Disney ™?
Expect to hear from their lawyer, Ms. Hartsock.

Was I the only one who thought (or even noticed) an entire table of delicious-looking pretzels in the ice castle? YUM.

Mikey T: Let’s awkwardly make a snowman family. This guy's too Jersey Shore for me.

Zak W: I thought I was going to be a priest. And I thought that 10 years ago in this very SAME PLACE!! Yodel-a-hee-hooo!

James is two-faced, so Brooks spys on them.

Rose for Brooks.

2 on 1: Diabetes Michael vs. Ben

Two men, one rose. One stays, one goes.
First a ride down the river in THE most awkward hot tub ever invented, then an even more awkward dinner.

Michael breaks out his bag of lawyer tricks and shows NO MERCY in ripping Ben a new one.

This backfires and puts Michael in a bad light. It looks like they both might go home, but Des kicks off Ben. Thank goodness! I actually like Michael but he came out swinging early and landed some hard hits (Ben’s religion, relationship with son).

One of the least graceful exits in Bachelor(ette) history followed.

Ben: I still think [Des] made the wrong decision, but I respect it.
[In limo] You guys made a huge mistake…hi Hollywood!
Oh brother.

Rose for Michael.

Rose Ceremony

The men (mostly Drew) are planning a coup against James but, SURPRISE! Des cancels the mixer and jumps straight into the rose ceremony.
Drew looks like he is going to murder someone.

Drew: James is a cancer and he’s put Des under a spell!

Eliminated: Mikey T.

Next Week

Barcelona
James vs. Kasey, James plays the victim card with Des

Drew vs. James

 

­­­­­­­­­­­­

Barcelona, Spain

1 on 1: Drew

With this change of location, everyone went LOCO…in the best way possible!
Drew: I am so overwhelmed with emotions!!!
Started with a kiss and just kept it rolling, baby.

Uh no. No I don't.

 

Drew cites his father- a recovering alcoholic now battling and speaking out about lymphatic leukemia- as his hero. It’s the first time he’s ever told anyone and he gets very emotional.

Drew pauses at dinner, then beckons Desiree to an abandoned Spanish corridor.

Des: What’s going on??
AN EPIC MAKEOUT SESH, that’s what. Muy caliente!

Rose for Hot Lips.
After he’s safely got the rose, Drew says he has some intel on a housemate and will leave it up to Des if she wants him to tell her. She does. Drew throws James under his own self-serving bus.

Group Date

Guys play a women’s professional soccer team and lose.

If one word could sum up this segment, it’s a long BLEEEEEEP!!!
James says “F--- EVERYONE!!!”


Despite all obvious signs, Des does not boot James on this date.


1 on 1: Zak

Portraits…then portraits with a live nude model. Yikes.
Zak comes out in a robe, then loses the robe. Fortunately there are boxer briefs underneath.

Zak's portrait of Desiree

Zak Attack confesses to camera: I am absolutely in love with this woman!!!
Rose.

James Confrontation

Des – wearing the LEAST flattering pair of acidwash jeggings known to man- pulls James aside to try and get some straight answers. Nice try.
His speech comes off as SO rehearsed, any salesman would be proud of this last-ditch pitch.
Des realizes he is a master manipulator and asks him to leave.

James: No one will ever know the truth! They were threatened by me…I just became the next Ben! AGH!!!! WHY ME?!?!?!
Michael: People vs. James dismissed. Ah, I like this guy.

Rose Ceremony

Riding a surge of empowerment, Des cancels the mixer and heads right into the rose ceremony.
Wow, she looks GREAT! Caliente hair, makeup and dress. Brava!

Also hot: Michael’s pink tie and tie clip.
Eliminated: Juan Pablo, Kasey
JP gets emotional, hopes he will find a stepmom for his daughter Camilla soon.

Next Week

Portugal
Everyone crying
Confession from Drew?

Desiree: I was in it for you!!! I’m done. Honestly I just want to go home right now.

 

Madeira, Portugal

1 on 1: Brooks

These two always seem to be driving on their dates.
They have a picnic on top of a mountain, literally in the clouds. Several bad puns follow. #oncloud9

Kissing.
Important questions: How will we fit in each other’s lives.
Brooks: My family is more closeknit because of an absentee father. They are the most precious thing I have and if we were together, they would be yours too.
Another great date with Brooks.

 

1 on 1: Chris

Boating.
Poem-reading. Poem ends with “I love you.” Chris is super-nervous.
Yawn.

 

1 on 1: Michael

Shopping.
Des: Can he be vulnerable?
Michael: Yes. Yes I can.
Would rather be a good dad and husband versus renowned lawyer.

 

2 on 1: Drew & Zak

Chillest 2 on 1 ev-ah!
Zak presents Des with a pictoral (and PECtoral) representation of their journey to date.
Drew reminds her he has a mentally handicapped sister.
Rose for Drew.

 

Debriefing with Chris Harrison

Des: I’m in love with Brooks!
Chris H: Is this over? Should we just all pack up and go home?
Des: [coy look]

Rose Ceremony

Eliminated: Michael


Was this really worth it?

Michael: No girl will ever match up to you. This is actually a blessing because my mom would have loved you and better it’s only my heart broken and not hers too.

Ouch.

Next Week
Hometown dates
Return of Jerk Brother!!!

Bachelorette Desiree Ep 4: Atlantic City

Chris Harrison appears like the mischievous sprite he is to announce the thirteen remaining guys will be heading to Atlantic City, or as Zak K calls it: “Las Vegas on the beach!” Drew is smoldering in a purple hoodie. The rest of the guys wear inconsequential colors.

Brad: Let Our Love Shine Through

Brad scored a fun date: midway games and coasters on the Boardwalk and a saltwater taffy demonstration.

The other men were tortured by able to see Desiree and Brad’s date from the gazillionth story of their penthouse suite. They serve as a Greek chorus and comment that Brad is very “reserved” around the house.

Unfortunately, Brad is also pretty reserved during dinner conversation without the background hum of carnies and a GIANT sandcastle/fortress.

 

Desiree, grasping at straws, suggests they climb to the top of a lighthouse for a beautiful view. This, however, proves a gargantuan task and she ends dumping Brad midway up the lighthouse. At least he only had to descend half the stairs…? I thought Desiree worded the rejection speech very well: “You will find someone amazing who will complete your family.” She was not hesitant about Brad advancing because he was a single father, but she felt she was not the right fit for this insta-family.

Group Date: Looking for My Mr. Right

During what was easily the most entertaining portion of the show, the daters were forced to compete in The Bachelorette version of a Mr. America pageant at Boardwalk Hall.

They were judged in three areas:

• Interview
• Talent
• Swimsuit [insert wolf whistle here]

The competition was in front of a live audience because as Michael G the secretly witty prosecutor quipped, “I always dreamed of being Mr. America…but it would be a waste of my time without an audience!” HA.

Chris Harrison introduced young Michael Cain a fabulous pageant coach to prep the guys.

 

 

A random collection of items from which the brave souls must display a “talent” lay ominously on a folding table.

These included: roller skates, tap shoes, a baton, a guitar, ukulele, ribbon, women’s size 14 heels and shame. Lots of shame. Drew describes it as a “hodgepodge of tomfoolery.” A lover of purple AND words? Be still my heart. (I found Drew on Twitter! @DrewKenney)

Juan Pablo is surprisingly good at baton…has he been taking lessons on the sly with legendary Bachelor baton twirler Kaci B?? Sigh, so many Miss Congeniality parallels, so little time.

During interview prep Brooks laments, “This is hard!” #thatswhatshesaid

The three judges were:

• Desiree
• The mayor of Atlantis Atlantic City
• The reigning Miss America

The INTERVIEWS are relatively uneventful aside from:

1. Chris having a Gollum-style discussion with himself about the acceptable number of times per week to take a lady out to dinner

2. Juan Pablo casually revealing that he has a daughter

3. Mikey T is tired of being seen as JUST A PIECE OF MEAT, ladies! If you prick him, does he not bleed?? The guys backstage laugh hysterically at this talk of “crying on the inside.” Curse this infernal outer beauty!!! I am right there with you Mikey T. Except not.



I AM NOT A PIECE OF MEAT!!

The TALENT segment is where things really picked up:

Kasey- tap dancing

Brooks- ukulele playing…and smashing! Sang about being super white. It’s a burden, man. Thank God Twilight came out and made us look “cool.” Sure the acting was deplorable and technically they were monsters, but boy were they were cool. Literally. HA #nerdalert

Mikey T- acting like JUST A PIECE OF MEAT. Honestly, pec bouncing after your inner-beauty tirade? For shame, Mikey T!

Drew- on the opposite end of the spectrum: reciting Shakespearean monologue from Romeo and Juliet. Again, be still my heart.

Chris- high heels, hula hoops and a heaping helping of shame

Bryden- was he stripping?! What WAS that? Whatever it was involved thrusting in black boxer briefs in front of the mayor. Minus 50 cool points.

Zak W- “I’ve already written a poem about my experience on the show and the decision Desiree must make. So I thought I’d just set it to music.” Sure, no problem. Picks up guitar- sings beautifully. Legitimate talent; by far my favorite. He is growing on me week to week.

 

• Winner: Kasey
• 1^st Runner Up: Zak W
• 2^nd Runner Up: Brooks

Zak W was ROBBED!! But as he pointed out, the date rose is what’s really important.

Afterparty: Pool

Chris (not Harrison): I write poetry! [Reads some of his “poetry”]
Desiree: Me too! Oh my gosh, that was…SO GOOD.
KISSSSSS
Me: [Eyeroll]



Girl, these loafers are SOOOO much more comfortable than heels!

 

Bryden hates Ben because “he makes everything weird!” Bryden is not alone.

Brooks: Guys! Don’t look now…but Desiree is with BEN!!

Ben and Desiree are in the shallow end of the pool right next to everyone else reclining in barcaloungers. The Others are mad because Ben doesn’t take Des out of their line of vision. It’s like they’re ALL dating the same woman!! Wait a minute…

Zak W plays the rest of his song for Desiree. Where did that guitar come from? Who cares, it was awesome! Either the pool house acoustics are not as good as Boardwalk Hall or Zak is letting his nerves get the best of him. Eh who am I kidding- I blame the pool house and not our unflappable Texan.

Zak W gets that date rose. You go Glen Coco! Snap snap. Well deserved, sir.

Bryden is in a sour mood because not only is Ben awful, but Desiree did not talk to him ALL NIGHT LONG. He’s even thinking about self-terminating. Hang tough, B.

Meanwhile back at the suite...James decides to capitalize on his alone time and take a relaxing bubble bath to prep for tomorrow's date.

James: Can Our Love Weather the Storm?

Red Cross representative Jackie takes Des and James on a helicopter ride to survey the damage caused by Hurricane Sandy. Des and James are introduced to older couple Manny and Jan, who lost their home to the storm.


The younger couple sidebar outside and decide to give their extravagant dinner/dancing Atlantic City date to Manny & Jan, who are approaching their 39^th wedding anniversary.

Of course, the older couple LERVed this act of generosity (who wouldn’t?) but the surprises didn’t end there: the Red Cross was able to restore Manny & Jan’s wedding album. They thought their wedding pictures had been destroyed in the storm; the couple tearfully thanked Red Cross and ABC and Jan said, “I thought this had been lost forever and I wanted to pass it down to my granddaughter- now I can!”

They dance the night away at a private concert by Darius Record. OK I’ll admit it, I cried. I loved this segment! I wish Bachelor/ette would take this humanitarian/real world issues route more often.

It is a sobering date, but one that brings Desiree and James closer together and turns into a more low-key, real-world date. James is so comfortable that he even reveals that he cheated on his girlfriend of 5½ years during his freshman year of college. YIKES. Despite Desiree identifying with the ‘cheatee’ James manages to weasel his way out of this by begging “full disclosure/complete honesty/blablabla” capped off with this little gem:

“A man can’t really love until his heart’s been broken. And breaking hers broke mine.”
OOOooohhh ok. That’s completely fine then.
Cue Desiree: I trust you.
Cue me: Eyeroll.
Rose.

 Rose Ceremony

Diabetes Michael completes an acronym of Desiree’s name listing her positive attributes…and adds a G to the end for his last name. WooOOoo. Fun with words, I love it!

Bryden speaks to Desiree and reveals he doesn’t think his feelings are up to speed and where they should be at this point in the competition show. Des thinks their connection is worth exploring further.



What was all that one in a million talk?!

Eliminated:

Zak…K. Texan Zak W lives to sing another week.



I get to stay another week???

Next Week

The men head to Munich, Germany- ausgezeichnet!
James is angling for the next Bachelor?
Ben-mageddon!!!

Mousecellaneous

Baby Bachelor (Jimmy Kimmel)