Episode 3: Release the Hyenas!

Disclaimer: I was in the process of moving cross-country, so you can understand why my updates stopped abruptly.

1 on 1: Lesley

I am beginning to see one of the less obvious advantages of being The Bachelorette vs. being a bachelorette on The Bachelor: advance wardrobe planning. Not only was Emily provided a wardrobe budget and the non-Tim Gunn-approved mantra “More sparkles = More better!” she knew what would happen on the dates and could dress accordingly. Both Lesley and AshLee could have used a tiny hint at their respective day’s events, such as:

AshLee, you are going to be walking all day- don’t wear 5” wedge heels.

Lesley, you are going to be on a stage surrounded by people, don’t wear a skirt that is half an inch away from a wardrobe malfunction.

You could almost see the question marks form in thought bubbles overhead as Sean arrives for both dates in über casual V-neck and shorts. Hm.

End of clothing rant…Lesley and Sean are going to the Guinness World Record Museum on Hollywood Boulevard. But they are not merely reading about other’s records (including Sean’s dad!): they will be setting their own record. Wait wha?? What can these two possibly accomplish with ABSolutely no prep time? Kiss awkwardly onscreen for a way too long 3¼ minutes! Ugh. I was hoping ABC might spare us the entire record-breaking footage, but alas the Disney syndicate showed no mercy.

 

Lesley and Sean claimed their biggest obstacle was not smiling, but they muscled through with a somber, austere kiss. I think there have been hotter scenes on Downtown Abbey. For the record (oh yes, pun intended) I would have counted it a victory even if they hadn’t lasted four-ish minutes since Lesley’s skirt managed to keep her assets covered despite Sean’s 8^th grade dance deathgrip.

A little soul-searching, light making out atop a roof somewhere in LA and confetti blasting (Magical Moment™!!!) rounded out the evening. Lesley reveals she was a nerd in high school and would rather hang out with her family & friends than hit the town. Ah, I see she is fluent in Sean’s love language. Sean says they “connected on several different levels.”  But mostly the lips. Rose!

Group Date: Who’s Going to Win My Heart?

A group date with 12 catty women in neon bikinis playing beach volleyball = my nightmare date. The winning team will be allowed to dine with Sean. The losers will be bussed back to the Bachelor Compound with no dinner! So really no one is a winner except for Beach Fun Ken. And me, part of the viewing audience. J

The stakes are raised to unbelievable heights: “This is the MOST important game of my LIFE!” Some of the women seem to have balance issues anyway due to some *ahem* enhancement surgery, so this should be fun. Play ball! I talked to my grandma post-show and her thoughts on the group date: PHOOEY!!! That pretty much sums up the rest of this segment.

One of the teams wins. Again, like the Kissing Record documentation I felt like the volleyball “game” coverage was gratuitous. At the Winners’ Dinner, Bipolar Muppet Amanda and America’s/Sean’s Sweetheart Desiree barely have words and Kaci B is determined to right this nearly nonexistent wrong! No matter if she is involved or not!!

Kaci B: The Informant!

Girls, girls, girls. If we do not study history, we are doomed to repeat it. So repeat offender contestant Kaci B should be the absolute last person to think Sean would appreciate the whistleblower (and not like that gross song by Flo Rida). Kaci takes it upon herself to inform Sean of the feud between Amanda and Desiree. SO many things wrong with this. Let’s count the ways:

1. No bachelor is EVER as appreciative as the woman expects he will be. Don’t get involved in the drama and just be there FOR SEAN. I mean, isn’t this enough for you people?

 

*Side note: the girl that says “I hate drama” is ALWAYS a drama queen.

2. Do not call out a clear frontrunner. (Desiree)
3. Do not drink your weight in cosmos before tackling this self-imploding speech. During Ben’s season, Kaci B was your typical cute, bubbly baton twirler but last night she was looking pretty rough. Don’t drink, kids.
4. Do not voluntarily insert yourself in a bad situation. Catfights are not attractive. Kaci B was not even a coefficient in the Des/Am equation. Why go there?? Props to Sean for calling her out: “Why are you telling me this? Be Kaci, not this crazy person in front of me.” Finally, one with a brain.

1 on 1: AshLee

Poor AshLee. Before she could even make it to her date, she had to deal with Tierror stealing her professionally organized thunder. First Tierror fake-read “…and Selena” – who’s that?? – on AshLee’s date card. Not cool. Sarah called Tierror out on the not cool-ness. When it was actually date time, Ash had to cool her heels while attention-hungry Tierror was pushed hurled herself down the stairs in one of many over-hyped Doses of Drama® courtesy of Tierrable this season. The medics strapped her to a gurney- complete with matching Barbie neckbrace- when she suddenly decided she didn’t want to go to the hospital. Tierrable then magically came back to life, springing nimbly from the gurney. It’s a Bachelor miracle! Sean’s acted dutifully concerned and checked on Tierrable to make sure she was alright. She GOTS to GO, Sean!

When AshLee and Sean finally arrive at their Mystery Date, it is a day at Six Flags with the park to themselves. Well, almost. In another gallant move, Sean has invited two handicapable sisters who have never met in person to share the day with them. The girls emerge from separate limos, hug it out and squeal in a register only heard by dolphins and Justin Bieber-crazed teenage girls. AW.

AshLee, Sean & the girls dance to a private concert by the Eli Young Band, take old-timey photographs and cry over AshLee’s harrowing story of foster homes and eventual adoption by a pastor’s family. Rose!

Mixer/ Rose Ceremony

SoCal Sarah did not have a date this week, but that didn’t mean Sean wasn’t thinking about her. Just as she was about to have a nervous breakdown upon Sean escorting her to the driveway and seeing an approaching limo, out pops…her adorable dog! DaRn you Bachelor for producing real emotions and running up my Kleenex bill!

The rest of the night in soundbites:

Man-stealing mayhem.
Scheming Tierra.
A too-little, too-late repentant Kaci B.

Going home broken-hearted:

KACI B: The Infortmant!
The Model
Health Club Manager- we hardly knew ye.

Next Week

Rock climbing with Selma
Pretty Woman date with ?
Roller derby group date
Private jets, Hummers
Tierror bringing a “plague of bad energy”

 

 

Bachelor Sean: Episode 2

Sarah: Let’s Fall in Love

Beginning the season with a bang is the prerequisite “death-defying/bonding through terror” date. Showing shades of Emily’s NASCAR date, Sarah’s constant war of one arm vs. her sense of adventure vs. California state laws boil to the surface after a forced free-fall off the side of a building. Yeesh, you’re killing me Team Bachelor.

Perfect Sean is able to coax Sarah into taking the plunge (relationship metaphor alert!) by shimmying closer to the edge of their transparent platform until finally flinging themselves to the safety net concrete below. Back on solid ground, they enjoy a candle-lit meal and Sean gives her the rose- and the first legitimate (read: non-drunken bride) kiss of the season.

Group Date: Just Shoot Me!

The ladies coo over Prince Sean as he saunters onto the balcony of a beautiful Southern colonial. The coo-ing turns to squealing after learning they will be posing with Sean for a Harlequin™ romance cover shoot- with a REAL contract deal at stake. Oh yeah, and some alone time with Sean or something.

The ladies dress up as cowgirls, Southern belles, Kardashians and vampires (This is still a thing?? Twilight is over people…let it die! Or turn to dust in the sun or something.)

Politico Lesley is up first and wastes no time planting one on Sean “for art” and happily obliges the other women’s catcalls to rip open his shirt. Well to be fair, five minutes is longer than I thought he’d make it fully clothed with this group.

TiError is acting out her own version of Mean Girls scoffing at Kristy The Model’s hair extensions and irking Robyn and the trapped attentive hair stylists.

Does this look like a sweet girl to you?

She flips the switch for Sean through doubletalk and compliment-fishing, earning a: “I don’t think there’s a catty bone in your body…I could tell you were sweet five minutes after meeting you.”

I'm an excellent judge of character!

Meanwhile, Yogateer Katie- or someone resembling Katie with supersized humidity hair set from Stun to Kill- ponders self-terming because she’s not as aggressive as the other girls.

Kacie B lends an ear, but can barely suppress her excitement as she talks Katie into going home and proceeds to inform The Others. Katie wishes Sean the best on her way out. I am just noticing Kacie B has an almost identical laugh to Sandra Bullock’s Miss Congeniality character.

Naturally Kristy The Model goes on to win the contract, but Sean gives the date rose to Mayor of Friendzone Kacie B for “putting everything on hold to find love.” I’m not feeling the two of them as a couple, but Kacie B provided us the best That's What She Said of the night: “I’m not going to quit because something’s hard and uncomfortable!”  

Desiree: Love is Priceless

On this episode of Punk’d, Sean wants to see if his woman has a good sense of humor…by incriminating her as the destroyer of a piece of art and orchestrating a confrontation with the artist. How fun! This is reminiscent of Ashley H. proving she had a sense of humor by forcing her guys to participate in a roast…of her. Prompting one to ask if the already-insecure Bachelorette actually knew what “roast” meant before agreeing to the infamous ego-shattering, verbal bloodbath that was to follow. Fortunately for Desiree, Sean waltzed in before emotions ran TOO high with ze artiste and she took the “joke” in stride.

The rest of the date consisted of getting’ busy in Sean’s kitchen. Making dinner, that is.

Followed by a little swimming/make-out sesh to round out the evening.

Lest we forget how All-American Sean is, he wore the American flag as swimtrunks in a getup more literal than the Team U.S.A. gear designed by Ralph Lauren™ for our Olympians last summer.

Desiree rocked a purple bikini. In addition to their sartorial statements, the pair marvel at how close they already feel to each other. Rose for Desiree- Captain America approves!

Mixer/ Rose Ceremony

Amanda oscillates between a “dark energy” with the women...

...to Janice the sunny, guitar-playing Muppet with Sean.

Turns out drunk bride Lindsay is completely charming when sober.

“Oh no! I’m developing feelings for EVERYONE!!!” complains Sean. What a dilemma.

Robyn plays the Race Card and pretty much asks Sean if she is wasting her time. Sean seems a little too enthusiastic to answer…it’s as if Team Bachelor is coaching him in response to a lawsuit presented during Emily’s season claiming that the show is too white. Sean goes on to list all of the ethnicities of women he has dated…which comes off more racist than intended: “I LOVE that you’re asking this question! The last girl I dated was black. I’ve dated Hispanics, Persians…”

Life takeaway: taste the rainbow!

Selma teaches Sean something to say in Arabic- he loves it!

I am impressed by the adventurous shades of lipstick the women have chosen tonight.

Leaving Broken-Hearted:

Brooke, community organizer.
Diana, single mom of two.

We hardly knew ye.

Extra Extra!

Need to dump a guy and want someone else to do it for you?

Call The Bachelor Breakup Line!

Bachelor Sean: Episode 1

Welcome back rose lovers! Did anyone catch Ashley & JP’s wedding organza extravaganza? I missed it the first time, but thank GOODNESS it aired again the following weekend. I would have been like, seriously bummed if I couldn’t hear JP’s heart-tugging vows and um, Ashley’s shout-out to her pet Yorkie. Correction: *their pet Yorkie. Eyeroll.

Apparently Sean is also black sometimes.

Following Team Cupcake is a steaming hot plate of beefcake, courtesy of 29-year-old insurance agent Sean Lowe.

I think I speak for all of us when I say “Wow Sean, were you always this buff??” Seriously it’s like he was on the same regimen Taylor Lautner used to quadruple his muscle weight by constantly eating beef patties for a certain embarrassing YA Saga…but I digress.

Ever the gentleman, Sean claims watching Emily’s season air on TV was a cathartic experience and better understood her decision after seeing how strong the connections were with Arie and One F Jef. After some obligatory shirtless shots and pensive gazing into the horizon, Sean announces he is ready for love and hopes to find his wife and he’s only proposing once and it will be forever and all the other things girls LERV to hear.

BRO TALK WITH ARIE

Far and away the most entertaining part of the show (Sorry Sean’s abs, you were a close second!) was a “surprise” visit from Arie. This duo should have its own talk show. Even though there is no way in you-know-where I actually think these two are “friends” as the show suggested, there was still an effortless sense of camaraderie and humor:

Arie: What are your break-up lines? Pretend I’m a girl you’re breaking up with.

Sean: I have to follow my heart…and it’s leading me in another direction.

Arie: That’s not what you said in the Fantasy Suite last night!!

Things got a little awkward when Arie started to show Sean what he should do with his hands during the Kissing Tips With Arie segment. 





It probably wouldn’t hurt anything for every man to take Arie’s advice. And then take some notes. OK kissing guru, take your beer in a glass and get outta here because it’s time to…

MEET OUR BACHELORETTES!

FIDDY SHADES

Before I could finish thinking “Boy, I hope they find some nice girls for Sean,” out comes 50 Shades of Crazy retrieving a grey tie from her décolletage (klassy!) while our virtuous Bachelor’s look of equal parts confusion and terror says it all.

THE MODEL

Exuding confidence and sporting GIANT 80’s hair to spare, the self-proclaimed “Best from the Midwest” is surprisingly NOT the most divisive figure in the house…

TIERRA

When a girl’s name is pronounced not the way it’s spelled but like a princess’ crown, that may an indicator for DRAMA QUEEN. And boy do we have one based on the season overview at episode’s end. 

TiAra comes off all sugar and spice in her spotlight package and limo introduction, but eventually she’s going to become the house’s Resident Evil, turn the girls against each other, fall and/or be pushed down the stairs and taken away in an ambulance- wow! I’ve got to admit, the stairs bit was setting off my Michelle Money Mystery Black Eye BS-ometer™.

Tensions flared on night one when Sean immediately gifts TiError a rose. Indeed Sean’s unorthodox dispersal of roses sent the womenfolk into a tizzy. He was rosing girls left and right, leaving some to wonder if there would even be any left for a rose ceremony. Turns out, he was following his gut (another tidbit from Yoda Arie) and handing out roses accordingly. After a few other “ladies” had been rosed, the cattier ones asked TiError if her First Impression Rose really meant anything. Way to keep it klassy, girls.

SARAH

This girl hasn’t let having one arm slow her down. Or keep her from picking up the brain-numbing SoCal monotone parodied on SNL’s soap-spoof The Californians.

A DRUNK BRIDE

Worries Sean might misinterpret her “goofball” sense of humor as…just a goof. Wishes she was “more sober.” 

Whatever, carpe diem! Or in this case, carpe the bottle! You only will be on The Bachelor once. 

Oh wait….

WEDDING CONSULTANT

I like this girl. She seems nice and relatively normal.

A BAREFOOT HIPPIE

Yoga instructor with wild crazy-curly hair, natch.

SOMEONE WHO TRIES A BACKFLIP

Backflip + restrictive dress = falling on the Bachelor driveway!

WOMAN WITH INDETERMINABLE ACCENT

Answers to "Barbie."

KACI B. IN DA HOUSE!

Everyone was mad at baton twirler extraordinaire Kaci B. for…being there. I’m not sure what advantage she actually had over other straight-up randos aside from perhaps accidentally spilling a white wine spritzer on Sean at a Bachelor party or some other generically bland meet-cute.

EVERYONE ELSE IS NAMED ASHLEY

NO ROSE FOR YOU!

• Cruise ship entertainer crying over singing embarrassing song. Um…isn’t that what you do for a living? Just for the record: Any potential suitors who mentioned sweet tea in a showtune-style song would be A-OK in my book!
• I actually liked the girl that got kicked off in the blue gradient dress aka Paige aka the girl from BACHELOR PAD.
• Fiddy Shades, get outta here! Flashes the camera in looooong, drunken exit interview. Only the best for Sean.

Here's to love!

Sean Lowe:

Meet your New Bachelor!

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Sean Lowe fell short in winning Emily Maynard's affections on The Bachelorette.

But he's no longer brokenhearted; he's ready for love on The Bachelor on ABC.

Here are five things to know about the 28-year-old beefy, Dallas-based insurance agent.:

1. He has a close connection to handbags
Lowe knows a thing or two about ladies' accessories. Signing on as a business partner of The Factory Girl website, the reality stud joins pal Clay Silver – the designer of the colorful, one-of-a-kind handbags and custom furniture pieces – and her sister, Jessie, who is the CEO.

2. He's involved with charity work
Through The Factory Girl and his Sean Lowe and Friends organization, the businessman as recently as Sept. 8 helped raise money for the fight against cancer. Charging all guests $20 at local Dallas bar Dyer Street, proceeds benefitted Micaela's Army and 1 Million for Anna. Both are named after childhood friends who died from the disease.

3. He calls his experience on The Bachelorette therapeutic
He didn't end up with Maynard as he originally hoped, but Lowe says he "wouldn't trade [my experience on the show] for anything." In an interview on Vimeo, he says, "It forced me to open up and I learned a lot about myself. It was very cathartic; very therapeutic."

4. Religion is his top priority
In case it wasn't clear by his Twitter bio where he says, "Most importantly, I love Jesus!" Lowe also types out psalms and other religious posts regularly. As recently as Sept. 24, he wrote, "Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Romans 8:38 I'd be lost without it."

5. His sister auditioned him for The Bachelorette behind his back
Lowe embraces the Bachelor franchise now, but he was originally against it after his sister signed him up as a hopeful contestant behind his back. "She gave me no advance warning," Lowe has explained on Kidd Kraddick's Texas-based radio show. "I got a call one day from the casting department at The Bachelorette. It took me by surprise. At first I was totally against it. I was like, 'I'm not going to subject myself to this. I'm not going to be one of those guys.' "

Episode 12: After the Final Rose

Wow! Was that a great season or what?

Think WAY back to the previous cycle. Remember how terrible Ben’s season was?

Naked skiing in San Francisco. 

Questionable morals.

Questionable hair. 

The all-too-predictable triumph of a self-absorbed, self-proclaimed “winning” model.

Media-covered fallout of engagements won and lost and won again as it turned out the model really was too good to be true.

So I say again, I LOVED Emily’s season of The Bachelorette! It was refreshing to see restraint regarding the Fantasy Suites. I remember being shocked – SHOCKED! – as a high schooler watching Alex Michel’s FS “overnight dates” during the inaugural season of The Bachelor and this season redeemed my faith in the franchise...mere moments before it was completely shattered by Bachelor Pad. [Seriously, do NOT watch Bachelor Pad! I think the diseases on exhibit can be contracted through your television.]

The bulk of drama on this very special episode of ATFR centers around Arie. He had a very difficult time moving on and actually flew out to Charlotte to see Emily. When he arrived however, “it didn’t feel right,” so he turned around and flew back to Phoenix. What did feel right was leaving his journal from taping (it's a journal- NOT a diary!) on an engaged woman’s doorstep across the country. Not creepy at all. Apparently Arie was also calling Emily to the point that Jef had to step in and say “Lay off my woman!”

Not really. The ever-classy One F Jef  (half of this season's Arie/Jef BFF bromance, a deviation of the Ben F/Constantine Original Recipe) called Arie to smooth things over and now they talk periodically on the phone and are back to BFFy status. Jef is such a gentleman, no matter how much his hair attempts to upstage all other qualities. And for the record, Arie says he and Emily didn’t just make out all the time…it’s just that all of their deep conversations were edited out. Uh-huh. Yeah. Editing...that was it. 

Perhaps he, Ryan and all other previously inaccurately portrayed Bachelor contestants could form their own version of the Justice League.

After Emily is brought out, Chris Harrison asks the perfunctory prompt:

Arie, are there any questions you have for Emily?

Arie says not really. It is anti-climactic UNTIL…

Emily: I brought something for you. It’s your journal. I told Jef about it. I did not read it out of respect to Jef and our relationship.

Arie [deflated]: Thanks.

Jef and Emily make their first televised appearance as a couple and admit to sneaking around for a few dates in the interim.

Chris Harrison: Well what’s the first thing you’d like to do as a couple?

THIS!

Jef reveals that he wasn’t nervous about proposing and never thought that she would say no. Future plans involve Jef moving to Charlotte (living in a separate house) a wedding in Charleston and humanitarian work building wells in Africa.

Team JEM!