Bachelor Sean: Episode 1

Welcome back rose lovers! Did anyone catch Ashley & JP’s wedding organza extravaganza? I missed it the first time, but thank GOODNESS it aired again the following weekend. I would have been like, seriously bummed if I couldn’t hear JP’s heart-tugging vows and um, Ashley’s shout-out to her pet Yorkie. Correction: *their pet Yorkie. Eyeroll.

Apparently Sean is also black sometimes.

Following Team Cupcake is a steaming hot plate of beefcake, courtesy of 29-year-old insurance agent Sean Lowe.

I think I speak for all of us when I say “Wow Sean, were you always this buff??” Seriously it’s like he was on the same regimen Taylor Lautner used to quadruple his muscle weight by constantly eating beef patties for a certain embarrassing YA Saga…but I digress.

Ever the gentleman, Sean claims watching Emily’s season air on TV was a cathartic experience and better understood her decision after seeing how strong the connections were with Arie and One F Jef. After some obligatory shirtless shots and pensive gazing into the horizon, Sean announces he is ready for love and hopes to find his wife and he’s only proposing once and it will be forever and all the other things girls LERV to hear.

BRO TALK WITH ARIE

Far and away the most entertaining part of the show (Sorry Sean’s abs, you were a close second!) was a “surprise” visit from Arie. This duo should have its own talk show. Even though there is no way in you-know-where I actually think these two are “friends” as the show suggested, there was still an effortless sense of camaraderie and humor:

Arie: What are your break-up lines? Pretend I’m a girl you’re breaking up with.

Sean: I have to follow my heart…and it’s leading me in another direction.

Arie: That’s not what you said in the Fantasy Suite last night!!

Things got a little awkward when Arie started to show Sean what he should do with his hands during the Kissing Tips With Arie segment. 





It probably wouldn’t hurt anything for every man to take Arie’s advice. And then take some notes. OK kissing guru, take your beer in a glass and get outta here because it’s time to…

MEET OUR BACHELORETTES!

FIDDY SHADES

Before I could finish thinking “Boy, I hope they find some nice girls for Sean,” out comes 50 Shades of Crazy retrieving a grey tie from her décolletage (klassy!) while our virtuous Bachelor’s look of equal parts confusion and terror says it all.

THE MODEL

Exuding confidence and sporting GIANT 80’s hair to spare, the self-proclaimed “Best from the Midwest” is surprisingly NOT the most divisive figure in the house…

TIERRA

When a girl’s name is pronounced not the way it’s spelled but like a princess’ crown, that may an indicator for DRAMA QUEEN. And boy do we have one based on the season overview at episode’s end. 

TiAra comes off all sugar and spice in her spotlight package and limo introduction, but eventually she’s going to become the house’s Resident Evil, turn the girls against each other, fall and/or be pushed down the stairs and taken away in an ambulance- wow! I’ve got to admit, the stairs bit was setting off my Michelle Money Mystery Black Eye BS-ometer™.

Tensions flared on night one when Sean immediately gifts TiError a rose. Indeed Sean’s unorthodox dispersal of roses sent the womenfolk into a tizzy. He was rosing girls left and right, leaving some to wonder if there would even be any left for a rose ceremony. Turns out, he was following his gut (another tidbit from Yoda Arie) and handing out roses accordingly. After a few other “ladies” had been rosed, the cattier ones asked TiError if her First Impression Rose really meant anything. Way to keep it klassy, girls.

SARAH

This girl hasn’t let having one arm slow her down. Or keep her from picking up the brain-numbing SoCal monotone parodied on SNL’s soap-spoof The Californians.

A DRUNK BRIDE

Worries Sean might misinterpret her “goofball” sense of humor as…just a goof. Wishes she was “more sober.” 

Whatever, carpe diem! Or in this case, carpe the bottle! You only will be on The Bachelor once. 

Oh wait….

WEDDING CONSULTANT

I like this girl. She seems nice and relatively normal.

A BAREFOOT HIPPIE

Yoga instructor with wild crazy-curly hair, natch.

SOMEONE WHO TRIES A BACKFLIP

Backflip + restrictive dress = falling on the Bachelor driveway!

WOMAN WITH INDETERMINABLE ACCENT

Answers to "Barbie."

KACI B. IN DA HOUSE!

Everyone was mad at baton twirler extraordinaire Kaci B. for…being there. I’m not sure what advantage she actually had over other straight-up randos aside from perhaps accidentally spilling a white wine spritzer on Sean at a Bachelor party or some other generically bland meet-cute.

EVERYONE ELSE IS NAMED ASHLEY

NO ROSE FOR YOU!

• Cruise ship entertainer crying over singing embarrassing song. Um…isn’t that what you do for a living? Just for the record: Any potential suitors who mentioned sweet tea in a showtune-style song would be A-OK in my book!
• I actually liked the girl that got kicked off in the blue gradient dress aka Paige aka the girl from BACHELOR PAD.
• Fiddy Shades, get outta here! Flashes the camera in looooong, drunken exit interview. Only the best for Sean.

Here's to love!