Munich, Germany
1 on 1: Chris
This date included everything
stereotypically dorky about Germany: dirndls, lederhosen, polka.Chris & Des do their best Lady & the Tramp impersonation with sausage.
Just typing that felt so, so wrong.
Chris: “I’m jacked! (hopefully
that means something akin to ‘good’ or ‘happy’)…I don’t think anything could go
wrong!”
Cue Bryden, still smarting from
being ignored at the pool party- WAAAAY back when they were in the USA. He asks
all passers-by if they’ve seen a camera crew. He finds ChriDes in the Rathaus
and interrupts their polka-ing to announce his departure.
Back at the hotel the guys rock
different colors of the same hoodie while discussing the possible ramifications
of Bryden’s departure.
Chris & Des have dinner in a
Royal Conference Hall.
Chris reads a poem that makes
Desiree cry. Because it’s so…good.
He gushes that she has all the
qualities he’s looking for. One of the first things on that list is “Throw a
football.” Hm.Both marvel about how “comfortable” their time together is.
 |
| We're so comfortable! |
Private concert by Matt White.
Chris: “This is real and this…is
happening.”
Deep.Rose.
Group Date
I’m not doing very well with
omitting details. I’ll try harder.
Recipe for Group Date from Hell:
Take a tram to the top of the mountain, sled all day, and receive terrible
marriage advise from a sexist yodeler (or a “juggler” if you ask Juan Pablo).
Cue completely forced metaphor of
love conveyed by this date: “Love is like sledding down a slope.”
Let’s just hope you don’t run
over your loved one with your sled. Like CatManDrew.
An impromptu snowball fight
prompts Des to declare this the “happiest place on Earth!”
Hey, isn’t that literally the
slogan of ABC parent company, Disney ™? Expect to hear from their lawyer, Ms. Hartsock.
Was I the only one who thought (or
even noticed) an entire table of delicious-looking pretzels in the ice castle?
YUM.
Mikey T: Let’s awkwardly make a
snowman family. This guy's too Jersey Shore for me.
Zak W: I thought I was going to
be a priest. And I thought that 10 years ago in this very SAME PLACE!! Yodel-a-hee-hooo!
James is two-faced, so Brooks
spys on them.
Rose for Brooks.
2 on 1: Diabetes Michael vs. Ben
Two men, one rose. One stays, one
goes.First a ride down the river in THE most awkward hot tub ever invented, then an even more awkward dinner.
Michael breaks out his bag of
lawyer tricks and shows NO MERCY in ripping Ben a new one.
This backfires and puts Michael in
a bad light. It looks like they both might go home, but Des kicks off Ben.
Thank goodness! I actually like Michael but he came out swinging early and
landed some hard hits (Ben’s religion, relationship with son).
One of the least graceful exits
in Bachelor(ette) history followed.
Ben: I still think [Des] made the
wrong decision, but I respect it.[In limo] You guys made a huge mistake…hi Hollywood!
Oh brother.
Rose for Michael.
Rose Ceremony
The men (mostly Drew) are
planning a coup against James but, SURPRISE! Des cancels the mixer and jumps
straight into the rose ceremony.Drew looks like he is going to murder someone.
Drew: James is a cancer and he’s
put Des under a spell!
Eliminated: Mikey T.
Next Week
BarcelonaJames vs. Kasey, James plays the victim card with Des
Drew vs.
James
Barcelona, Spain
1 on 1: Drew
With this change of location,
everyone went LOCO…in the best way possible!Drew: I am so overwhelmed with emotions!!!
Started with a kiss and just kept it rolling, baby.
 |
| Uh no. No I don't. |
Drew cites his father- a
recovering alcoholic now battling and speaking out about lymphatic leukemia- as
his hero. It’s the first time he’s ever told anyone and he gets very emotional.
Drew pauses at dinner, then
beckons Desiree to an abandoned Spanish corridor.
Des: What’s going on??AN EPIC MAKEOUT SESH, that’s what. Muy caliente!
After he’s safely got the rose, Drew says he has some intel on a housemate and will leave it up to Des if she wants him to tell her. She does. Drew throws James under his own self-serving bus.
Group Date
Guys play a women’s professional
soccer team and lose.
James says “F--- EVERYONE!!!”
Despite all obvious signs, Des does not boot James on this date.
1 on 1: Zak
Portraits…then portraits with a
live nude model. Yikes.Zak comes out in a robe, then loses the robe. Fortunately there are boxer briefs underneath.
 |
| Zak's portrait of Desiree |
Zak Attack confesses to camera: I am absolutely in love with this woman!!!
Rose.
James Confrontation
Des – wearing the LEAST
flattering pair of acidwash jeggings known to man- pulls James aside to try and
get some straight answers. Nice try.His speech comes off as SO rehearsed, any salesman would be proud of this last-ditch pitch.
Des realizes he is a master manipulator and asks him to leave.
James: No one will ever know the truth! They were threatened by me…I just became the next Ben! AGH!!!! WHY ME?!?!?!
Michael: People vs. James dismissed. Ah, I like this guy.
Rose CeremonyWow, she looks GREAT! Caliente hair, makeup and dress. Brava!
Also hot: Michael’s pink tie and tie clip.
Eliminated: Juan Pablo, Kasey
JP gets emotional, hopes he will find a stepmom for his daughter Camilla soon.
Next Week
PortugalEveryone crying
Confession from Drew?
Desiree:
I was in it for you!!! I’m done. Honestly I just want to go home right now.
Madeira, Portugal
1 on 1: Brooks
These two always seem to be
driving on their dates.They have a picnic on top of a mountain, literally in the clouds. Several bad puns follow. #oncloud9
Important questions: How will we fit in each other’s lives.
Brooks: My family is more closeknit because of an absentee father. They are the most precious thing I have and if we were together, they would be yours too.
Another great date with Brooks.
1 on 1: Chris
Boating. Poem-reading. Poem ends with “I love you.” Chris is super-nervous.
Yawn.
1 on 1: Michael
Shopping.Des: Can he be vulnerable?
Michael: Yes. Yes I can.
Would rather be a good dad and husband versus renowned lawyer.
2 on 1: Drew & Zak
Chillest 2 on 1 ev-ah!Zak presents Des with a pictoral (and PECtoral) representation of their journey to date.
Drew reminds her he has a mentally handicapped sister.
Rose for Drew.
Debriefing with Chris Harrison
Des: I’m in love with Brooks!Chris H: Is this over? Should we just all pack up and go home?
Des: [coy look]
Rose Ceremony
Eliminated: Michael
 |
| Was this really worth it? |
Michael: No girl will ever match
up to you. This is actually a blessing because my mom would have loved you and
better it’s only my heart broken and not hers too.
Ouch.Next Week
Hometown dates
Return of Jerk Brother!!!
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