Episode 8: Meet the Parents, International Edition

Hide the taxidermy and conduct your bird funerals now, because Emily could be visiting YOUR house this week on The Bachelorette: Hometown Dates! After a brief reunion with Little Ricki in North Carolina, Emily heads to Chi-town to meet Chris’ close-knit family.

Chris: Chicago
Chris tells the camera that he is first-generation Polish and on a scale of 1 to Polish, they’re Polish. Speak it, dance it, live it!

Dad tells Emily “[Chris] would not only love you, but support you” while Mom simply tells Chris to “kick @$$!” and “I love you with all my heart” in Polish. AW.

Chris got Emily flowers and they polka-ed the night away. He tells her he is in love with her and describes their parting kiss as “perfection.”

Wow you look great!
And TOTALLY dressed appropriately
for what we'll be doing today!

Jef: St. George, Utah

Jef With One F is not as city as y’all might think. Their day at his picture-perfect ranch begins with four-wheeling and skeet shooting.

And just when it looks like Jef is impressing Emily with his mad shooting skillz, our single mom has a trick up her sleeve: gun lessons!

Wha-wha-WHAT?!

Gotcha!

Jef LERVS it: “She should hold a gun all day.” [Insert your own joke here.]


There are roughly five thousand Jef relatives wandering the grounds and Emily is nervous to meet them all. The only one she really has to worry about is Big Brother Steve who wonders if the two are fundamentally the same. Noticeably absent are Jef’s parents attending to “charity work” in South Carolina.

After braving the fam on the farm, Jef and Emily steal away to a picturesque mountaintop where Jef can voice the poem in his heart, which left both Emily and me a little teary. But enough emotions, let’s go to the track!

Arie: Pheonix

Emily can say “I don’t know anything about Indy car!” as much as she wants, but I’ll never believe it.

What I do believe is Arie emerging from the car in full track gear, helmet in hand. 

STUPID HAWT

No matter how stupid hot Arie is, however, I don’t think he’s ready to be a stepdad.

After the Arie heatwave bundle up rose lovers, and prepare for a cold European front.

Haha...this isn't awkward

 Mother Meike is definitely the most resistant member of the family until Emily somehow convinces her that what she loves most about Arie is his sense of humor.

Sense of humor in action

...Yeah, one thing I've really noticed is Arie's great sense of humor.

Can I get a translator??

I thought it was rude to speak Dutch in front of Emily, but highly effective if you are looking to alienate any non-speaking guests.

Despite the awkwardness, Arie vows he is going to marry Emily as the Bachelorette van whisks her away.

Sean: Dallas

On the opposite end of the welcome-wagon spectrum is Sean’s family: the picture of downhome Southern hospitality. Although with this house, you know it can’t be TOO downhome.

Cheers to perfect me!

Emily reiterates what we all have been led to believe about Sean: he is wholesome, well-rounded and practically perfect in every way.

But who knew he was funny too?

 Just when it looked like the universal Oh No-No of living with your parents as an adult had been committed... 

Maybe we can live in Ricki's Dream House?

Oh HECK no!

(complete with named stuffed animals and fresh milk and cookies)

...Sean pulled a Gotcha! Just kidding!

Of course Sean wouldn’t live at home. Or eat armadillo roasts.

Getting back to the heart of the matter- ABC synergy- Dad acknowledges that “something magical™ is going on” because Sean is being much more open.

When Emily leaves in the getaway van, Sean sticks to his Streetcar Named Desire motif yelling EMILY!!! and running after her. If you know what you want in life, sometimes you just gotta run after the van.

Rose Ceremony

After debriefing with Chris Harrison, The Other Chris was the one leaving with his ego shattered this week.

“Emily made me a believer in love again...and then broke my heart.”

To be fair, it was a gut-wrenching decision for Emily and she didn’t want anyone to feel like it was a reflection on their family. Sometimes it really is tough being The Bachelorette.

Next Week

Romantic overnight dates in mystical Curacao

Every emotion under the sun: Guilt! Fear! Sadness!
DOLPHINS!!!

Episode 7: Czech On It

Even though I am name-czeching the 2006 Beyonce single [for the Pink Panther movie if you can believe that], let’s be honest: we’re here to talk Bachelorette: Emily Does Prague. And Emily STILL has to carry her own luggage over increasingly less charming cobblestone streets. Hey no one said reality TV is easy. Just ask Chris, who edges ever closer to a mental breakdown. But that’s for later.

Arie: Let’s Czech Out Prague

The other woman

Emily spouts more production-fed fun facts about their current country. She asks Arie leading questions about trust and honesty, but the most Speed Racer admitted to was getting a tattoo of an ex-girlfriend’s name. BZZZ!! Wrong answer, but thanks for playing.

What we were looking for was:

Arie has dated someone else!

And not just anyone, but a Bachelorette producer!!

And he didn’t tell Emily!$!

But the producer did!%!#!!

So now Emily distrusts Arie!$!*!&!

$^#&%&#$*(#&(@))@#@*%!!!!!

Unfortunately all of this juicy drama happens off-screen and we must rely on Chris Harrison to relay this interchange…which was about this dramatic:

!

It’s amazing: just as it seemed Arie was past the point of no return, he confesses that he loves her. How convenient. Fireworks with a side of making out commence and ABC misses a prime opportunity to synergize with Mickey icon pyrotechnics.

Bro Talk

Jef: Hey guys, let’s talk about our feelings.
Chris: Meeting the family is a big deal! I mean, Emily could be coming to my hometown next week!
[Awkward silence. Sean working out in the periphery.]
Chris: I bet they’re having dinner somewhere cool!
Jef: Yeah, this is an emotional roller coaster…
Chris: I don’t want to talk about it anymore! I NEED A DRINK!!!

And that was all it took to get the meltdown snowball rolling.

Jon/Wolf: Lock of Love

Emily and Jon visit the John Lennon wall, a testament that the power of music can overcome anything: Nazis, Communism, ANYTHING!
There was also a “love lock” fence where paramours could literally seal their symbolic love on a cool art installment-looking fence…but Jon just can’t get the lock to click. Hm. Their date was very artsy, which was perfect for Jon [see below].

Jon: I want to be more open. As I age, I find myself dating women who are more and more similar to myself: emotionally constipated, cold, prone to cheating with “doctor dudes.” Emily kisses him, for reasons unknown. Jon comes home raving about what a fabulous date it was. Chris sulks.

Sean runs out of the apartment and begins yelling EMILY!!! a la Streetcar Named Desire.

He ‘finds’ her- with an assist from the production crew no doubt-  and with a smooth “If you’re not doing anything, maybe we could get something to eat,” gives the Arie Wall Kiss™ a try.

Screw the date cards! A man makes his own destiny~ Billy Zane/ Dwight Schrute.

Group Date: Sean, Chris, Doug

A horse-drawn carriage arrives for a romantic four-way date in the rain. The quartet explores a castle and plays Hide-N-Seek, Doug’s specialty. As Doug proceeded to count to 300, his chances at love- with Emily at least- are dwindling by the second. Emily is giving him every signal to kiss her and when he finally offers a last-ditch, awkward peck, it is too late. She sends our old-fashioned single dad back to the States in tears and it’s a two-on-one date.

Sean is feeling rightfully foxy after his rendezvous last night, but Chris’ frustration manifests itself in anger towards Emily: “I’m upset with you!” Do not challenge our Bachelorette, sir! There are two keys to different chambers in the castle: one unlocks for some one-on-one time with Emily and the other doesn’t. You can guess who got which key.

Jef: Pull At My Heartstrings

What initially sounded like a horrible idea fast became my favorite part of the episode: Jef and Emily re-enacting their journey of love through marionettes in the AMAHZING Strahov Philosophical Library Of course this is what immediately came to mind:

But seriously, the puppet show was more entertaining to me than watching the actual people. An entire Bachelorette puppet episode? Anyone? Anyone? It allowed Emily and Jef to step outside themselves and into the less-inhibited goofy side of psychotherapy.

Jef earned MAJOR points during his date.

He ran back into the store to buy Ricki a marionette.
He brought up the deepest questions in Bachelor history to date:
What do you think about living together before marriage? [Both: against.]
How soon do you want to have children after marriage [Both: instantaneously.]
He gushed he was a million percent in love with Emily! We can get a dog together!
Kiss kiss bang bang. 

Rose Ceremony

Emily has made up her mind: no rose ceremony necessary. Everyone is feeling pretty confident except for Crumbling Chris. This was his only chance to amend for his earlier outburst. Emily begins doling out roses and when it gets down to Jon/Wolf vs. Chris, Chris interrupts to plead his case. “I acted like a boy, but I know I can be the man you deserve.” In the end, it was the Lone Wolf sent packing for moving too slowly. Whether it was Chris’ desperation or Jon’s inability to lockdown, we’ll never know.

Next Week

• Hometown dates!
• Emily in tears about the proposition of introducing one of the contestants to her family! (It HAS to be Speed Racer, because he’s the only one remotely controversial.)
• Chris is very Polish!
• Sean lives at home!
• Ladies and gentlemen, I believe Jef is the one to beat.

Episode 6: From Dubrovnik With Love

This week Emily continues her whirlwind, worldwide Tour of Love in Dubrovnik, Croatia, leaving Ricki back in the States with a nanny so she can focus on the guys. Now she not only has to remember Croatia fun facts, but must also schlep her own luggage to her new digs. I thought that’s what all those muscle-y guys were for.

Date 1: Travis

Travis gets the dreaded “one of the locals” date where he and Emily partake in street dancing, balancing on a wall ledge (while remaining fully clothed, thank you very much) and going to dinner.

Emily is looking for the Romance Factor. Back at the house, the guys are debating this same topic. Ryan thinks Travis will end up with a girl as weird- nee “quirky”- as he is, but Doug has confidence: “I think he could be romantic if he wants to.” Over dinner, Travis reveals that he went through a broken engagement two years earlier and he hasn’t dated since then.




What better way to ease your way back into the dating world than The Bachelorette emotional roller coaster™? Unfortunately, Emily is not feeling a spark and does not extend a rose. After learning more about Travis, I felt bad for him.




Especially when he tossed aside the umbrella and stalked off into the dark, rainy street. And started crying. So much crying this episode! And cats, oddly.



Group Date: Lasting Love Requires Bravery

This is riveting!

Emily takes the guys to the movies…and watches Brave. Too bad Ricki wasn’t there anymore. Or kid-at-heart DJ Stevie.









Inspired by this blatant product placement, the guys must change into kilts, ride donkeys and participate in The Bachelorette version of the Highland Games.

 Does anyone know how to steer this thing?

= another relationship metaphor opportunity

You're welcome.

This included archery, the log toss and something called Maid Leash. My main question- of many- during this segment was why wouldn’t they have done this in Scotland…since it neighbors England, where they JUST WERE.




My next question was why would Chris get the Bravest Man trophy AND group date rose for losing everything and (stupidly) picking Doug for a test of strength? Did he see Doug’s arms??
 P.S. Thank you Team Bachelor for the ridonkulous changing montage of abs, arms and awesomeness.


Anyway, while Chris and Emily are cuddling, they spot a DOUBLE RAINBOW. Which brings me to the main reason I wanted to write this recap (aside from OCD tendencies): so I could post this!

After a costume change, the gentlemen join Emily for a cocktail party where their divergent personalities really come to light. Observe: One Arie stealing Emily away to make out against a Croatian wall while Jef urges Emily to put more clothes on. This does however, earn Jef a chaste kiss, so I’m not sure if there’s a point to be made.

Date: Ryan

And now for the piece de resistance: a second one-on-one date for egomaniac Ryan. It begins with generous cameratime of him man-primping in the mirror to achieve the perfect bedhead/fauxhawk hybrid ‘do and some creative Hunger Games facial hair. All the while, Ryan is describing what a perfect human being he is in voiceover: “I’m good-looking, I’m a perfectionist and I deserve a rose.” Well let’s go on the date then! Hopefully Emily will be as enamored with you as you are.

They picnic and go oyster boating then change for dinner. Gold gown for Emily the trophy wife, turquoise shoes for Ryan the peacock.

The evening seems to be going well until Ryan pulls out another handwritten manifesto: Twelve Qualities of a Perfect Woman. Alternate title is One Easy Step to Get Yourself Eliminated. Although it looked a little touch-and-go as Ryan tried to steamroll Emily’s initial decision to eliminate him, she stuck to her guns, leaving Ryan without a rose and shocked- SHOCKED!!!

I think I saw this once before on another Disney-syndicated movie- Beauty and the Beast.  A P.A. arrives to remove Ryan’s non-Louis Vuitton luggage and the village rejoices!

Arie seizes the opportunity and sneaks over to Emily’s apartment under the guise of seeing if she is alright and to reiterate the words he should have said LAST week: “I got your back.” Arie is given Ryan’s rose. Making out ensues. Sneaky sneaky.

I need more time!!!

He thinks the other guys won’t find out, but if Bachelor history has taught us anything, it’s that The Others- like life in Jurassic Park- will find a way! 

Rose Ceremony

SteppenWolf steps up his game and busts out the ol’ grandparent funeral cards in his wallet and waterworks, earning him a sad kiss from Emily. Doug also tried to step it up, to varying results. He is extremely awkward, says he misses his son and starts crying. No kiss for sad Doug.

Just when it looked like both would be cut in a double elimination, Emily pulls out a second Final Rose so both are saved- huzzah!

Next Week
Prague (YES)
Chris has big news, more crying
Arie has dated half of the crew. He might not be able to kiss his way out of this one!