Episode 4: Bermuda, Bahamas, Come on Pretty Mama

 Welcome to the Bahamas!

Let Our Senses Lead the Way: Doug
As the guys settle in to their new Bermudian digs at the Rosewood Tuckers Point Hotel, Doug gets the first one-on-one datecard for a day of laidback shopping on St. George. The guys are ribbing Doug because he is apparently easily stressed out. Just as Arie has almost provoked Doug to the point of shedding his Bruce Banner façade in favor of the Hulk, Emily comes a-calling. During the date, we learn that Doug was raised by his grandfather and his son’s name is Austin.

Emily and Doug took part in the Bermudian tradition of the Moon Gate, which is basically a wishing well that you walk through. Emily aims for the stars and wishes to not remain single forever. Over dinner, Emily worries that Doug may be similar to Brad in that he is “too perfect,” but he assures her that “[he is] just Doug.”

He confesses to the camera that he really wants to kiss Emily, but he moves pretty slowly. In fact, he has never made the first move, so he may be waiting for a while. Nevertheless, rose for Doug.

Let's Get Naut-y Group Date

The game’s afoot! As Kalon schmoozes that sailing is his element, it turns out none of our bachelors have any previous nautical experience. The group is divided into two teams: the winners will spend the evening with Emily and the losers will be shuttled back to the hotel. The two teams are neck and neck, but

Arie’s racing experience comes in handy and by holding back on the final turn, the yellow team is able to pull off a win.

Arie, Kalon, Ryan and Jef With One F change for dinner. Ryan makes a cringe-worthy toast to his “possible trophy wife” Emily.

No touching!

Everybody loves a Dutch boy's tulips

Arie steals Emily for a makeout session on the beach.

Jef With One F is up next, but no kissing for this Gleek.

Ryan voices his annoyance at Arie for kissing Emily last week, comes off as impossibly self-righteous and judgmental. He keeps reiterating that his relationship with Emily “has a lot of depth,” but I’ve seen no evidence of this. Ryan continues to quote former coaches, pastors, self-help gurus and Spiderman: with great power comes great responsibility…so don’t blow it Emily! Rose for Jef With One F. I don’t know why. Meanwhile at the Rosewood Hotel an epic battle between young and old unfurls as Chris and Doug exchange words about what it means to be mature… ironically.

Bermuda Love Triangle Date: Nate vs. Wolf

The dreaded two on one: two men enter, one man leaves. Nate and Wolf seem equally not ready to get married as Nate is fresh off a breakup and Wolf just wants to keep up with all of his married friends who are beginning to have children. Nate, Wolf and Emily go cliff-diving, then head to Crystal Cave for dinner.

Is this quinoa?

Both men seem to be reading from the same script and cite not having enough time and Emily doesn’t know the real me blablabla. In his one-on-one time, Nate talks about his parents’ 30-year marriage, how awesome his brother is and starts crying. Emily worries he is too young for an insta-family. Wolf basically says he won’t jump through hoops to impress her because it is not in his nature, but he’s old so he gets the rose.

Mixer

Ryan corners Emily and launches into Round Two of ‘Are You Worthy of Ryan?’ I’m paraphrasing, but basically in his mind he is such a catch, that Emily better measure up to him. He confides in Michael Longlocks that even if it doesn’t work out with Emily, perhaps he can get his own spin-off show of The Bachelor because “that would be fun for everyone to watch my journey of love.” It starts raining outside. Emily kisses Sean and for once does NOT kiss Arie, but admits to thinking about him whenever she has downtime. Meanwhile Round Two of Young Chris vs. Old Doug is in full swing. Chris thinks if he doesn’t get a rose tonight, it will be Doug’s fault. This tiff was exaggerated in promos and it ends anti-climactically with Chris muttering “I don’t believe you!” to a composed Doug.

Best Dressed: Emily

Worst Dressed: Jef With One F

Debriefing with Chris Harrison

Emily whines ‘Everyone keeps being so sweet that I can’t eliminate them!’
Time to bring in Chris Harrison to ask the hard questions:

Chris H: Is there any romance with Jef [With One F]?

Emily: I hope so! He hasn’t tried to kiss me, but I feel like it’s there.
CH: But you can’t stop kissing Arie…
E: (Laughs)…it’s true.
CH: What about Alejandro?
E: He’s probably not ready to be a dad. There’s some other drama in the house but I have a sixth sense as a woman and they’re not fooling me.
CH: Like who?
E: Ryan can be manipulative and he thinks I’m falling for his act. But I’m not.
CH: Time to quit being a hostess and start being real! Seacrest out.

Rose Ceremony

Sorry Charlie and Michael Longlocks. I really thought Travis and Alejandro would go home this week. Of course I always hope Kalon will be sent packing and next week I might get my way…

Next Week

London!
Great dates for Sean and Jef With One F
Ryan gets a kiss (Emily, why?)
Doug tells on someone who calls Ricki “baggage” and I think that someone is Kalon

Episode 3: Who’s Your Baby Daddy?

Mandatory Death-Defying Date: Chris

Well at least they’re climbing a wall and we’ll be spared all of the love-relates-to-something-terrifying clichés. Oh hold on a second. It’s really windy and there’s thunder and lightning and a crowd is gathering to witness imminent death a magical moment and wait a minute- Chris has something to say: “Climbing a building is definitely like love. You gotta start somewhere and we’re starting at the bottom.” What’s that? A rebuttal from Emily? “I want a man who stays by my side and Chris passed the test.” Did he really have any choice? I mean yes, it IS true love!

The pair is rewarded for living with a rooftop dinner where Chris reveals his age and dun dun DUN…he is only 25! Emily freaks out because she is a whole year older, but Chris reassures her by saying he went to college at 17…hm, so maybe a year before most depending on his birthday month. Whatever, it appeases Emily, moving on.

He gets a rose, a serenade from another country star (apparently?) Luke Bryan and gets the first kiss…after asking permission. Chris raves it was the “top moment of my life!!!” OK this is week 3 guys- better step up your game!

Group Date: Grilled by the Girlfriends

Emily welcomes the group daters to a park for what appears to be a pick-up football game, but she pulls a bait-and-switch. No you will not be spending a day in the park with me, but the Carpool Firing Squad:

Blonde Friend was a bit bossy, but also injected this segment with some fun: Take off your shirt! Do push-ups! Now DANCE!!! The so-what, who-cares attitude was reminiscent of SNL’s Bronx Beat sketch. Just substitute Sean for Jake Gyllenhaal. The girlfriends LURVED Sean!!! He was so aDORable and a “genetic gift to the world,” they marvel.

I don't compromise!

They did not like Travis and “Shelly” (good God, it has a name?) and Alessandro decided to shoot himself in the foot by admitting to one-night stands, cheating on an ex, dating his third cousin (!?!) and being a gypsy who cannot even commit to pets, prompting a stage-whispered ‘EW!’ from Blonde Friend.





When the guys finally reconvene with Emily, they still don’t get to spend time with her. She blows a whistle and bellows release the Kraken! Not really, but it summons a stampede of grade-schoolers so the men can show off their dad skillz.

Psh, that’s fine for the other schmucks, but Ryan’s not having it and crashes Emily & co.’s girltalk, basically dropping the bomb that he won’t love on her as much if she gets fat. Record scratch- whwhwhat?? This goes over like a lead balloon, earning gasps and silent nods of disapproval from The Friends and a dropped jaw from me at home.

 

Apparently, the men are dismissed from their playdate and get cleaned up for an after-party. Sean discloses that he is religious, looks to his parents as a matrimonial example and “selective.” Tony is a great guy because he was crying.

After dropping multiple Sad Backstory Bombs on Emily (re: father with epilepsy dying, being in and out of foster homes) Doug tries to comfort fellow single dad Tony but it’s no use. Great guy Tony goes home. Genetic Gift Sean gets the rose.

Love is a Wild Ride: Arie

We're not in DinoLand anymore, Arie.

Sigh, Arie. What a great date this will be. At least that’s what I said to myself as the pair visits Dollywood. Wait, what- Arie doesn’t know who Dolly Parton is? Emily’s never been on a roller coaster? Anything can happen! The two amble around the park hand-in-hand, then come upon an empty stage. Challenge: write each other a love song. An ominous, staggeringly high pair of heels click behind the curtain and who is it but Dolly Freakin Parton herself!


She serenades Arie (sigh) and Emily as they dance onstage, then dismisses Arie so she can give our Bachelorette (who adores her by the way) a heart to heart.

Racing and its hectic schedule resurfaces at dinner and Emily welcomes it saying they will each have room to do their own thang.

Rose for Arie. A carousel ride and LOTS OF KISSING. Magical Moment™!

Mixer/ Rose Ceremony

Kalon says those three little words every woman wants to hear: don’t interrupt me. UGH why is he still here? I don’t care about the ratings, he’s terrible. Alessandro continues his flaming descent that started on the group date by calling Ricki a “compromise.” Emily tries to give him an out by suggesting it’s a language barrier misunderstanding but Alessandro says no, no it’s not. Emily kicks him out on the spot and is visibly upset.

Arie proceeds to comfort her in the hallway- and by comfort, I mean make out in front of everyone. AWESOME! The Bachelorette is making up for lost time and Sean also gets some lip service after this little gem: “I see you and Ricki as a blessing.” Swoon.

Emily SMASH!!!

Emily smashes Shelly the egg, earning a celebratory Prost from everyone but Travis.

So many guys had already left this week that Em had only one more to eliminate and it was goofy MC Stevie. Boogie on outta here.

Follow your heart!

Next Week

Bermuda, cliff jumping, more kissing Arie J
Boat races, a ripped-off finger
Ryan the roaring egomaniac

Episode 2: Muppets Tonight!

Be My King in the Queen City: Ryan
Ryan gets the first one-on-one date and is saved from Muscle Beach, also known as the “frathouse from hell on steroids.” Ryan’s pastor says: treat your lady like a queen and she’ll treat you like a king.” Well no argument there, Ryan’s pastor. While Ryan dreams of an extravagant plane or hot air balloon date, Emily actually has a day of groceries and cookie-baking in mind…which was sort of a fake-out.



After dropping off the baked goods at Ricki’s soccer game and a quick costume change, it appeared half of Charlotte turned up paparazzi-style to witness the pair have a fabulous dinner. But that wasn’t all: Gloriana was there to serenade Ryan and Emily as they slow-danced, and I’ll admit I was grinning like an idiot during this segment. Rose, natch.



Let's Set the Stage for Love: Group Date

Emily and the guys perform alongside the Muppets to raise money for a children’s hospital. The group was divided into three subsets who would be:

• Singing
• Dancing or
• Performing a stand-up comedy routine

To me, this was a little *ahem* unfair because coming up with a stand-up routine seems much more difficult than a little shimmying. The prospect of public speaking reopens Charlie’s insecurity about his speech following the brain injury. Even a pep talk from Fozzie Bear proves futile, so Charlie asks Emily if he could transfer to the group singing Rainbow Connection which she assures him is no trouble at all. The show goes off without a hitch. I liked Jef with One F’s impromptu proposal to Miss Piggy.

I laughed at Statler and Waldorf Chris Harrison’s banter: “It wasn’t half bad!...It was all bad!”

I cried when Emily invited Ricki onstage to sing Rainbow Connection with Kermit. And the performance raised over $20,000. So I’d agree it wasn’t half bad. J The after-party however was a different story…

Chris (bobblehead/ young Randy Quaid) seeks reassurance from Emily who tells him he’s “good looking.” But she also confesses to the camera that Brad was crazy good-looking and that didn’t exactly work out. Jef with One F is playing hard to get, which earns him a rose. Stevie the party MC starts slow-dancing with Emily. Instead of using the obvious steal ‘Can I cut in?’ Charlie instead tells the rest of the guys what’s going on, they ALL go spy on Stevie and Emily, then Kalon goes in for the kill. Of course because it’s Kalon, EVERYONE hates this but no one more than mortal enemy MC Stevie. Kalon goes on to do everything in his power to un-endear himself to all the single fathers (echo: All the single fathers!) by DARING to suggest that they have put their dad-ness on hold. WHOA WHOA WHOA: JUST CHECK IT. You are cruisin’ for a bruisin mister.

Long story short, "Chopper" cements himself as the resident villain from every teen 80’s movie: rich, arrogant and James Spader.

Come Close to My Heart: Joe
They literally roll out the red carpet for Joe aka Mini McConaughey who, despite an unfortunate shirt, is escorted via private jet and vintage car to the Greenbrier Resort in Emily’s home state of West Virginia.

What??

They go swimming and then change to allow for Emily’s staircase moment in a beautiful dusty rose gown. 

That's better!

They exchange love wishes and then place them in the love clock so they will stand the “test of time.” That time turned out to be very short-lived as Emily gave Joe the boot before their private fireworks show…which she ruefully watched from the balcony alone whilst Joe was whisked away in the Rejection Limo.

Mixer/ Rose Ceremony

Ryan with a Rose causes an uproar – AN UPROAR! – because Tony (Mini Steve Carrell) stays IN THE ROOM while Ryan with a Rose reads a seven page letter- nay, novel. Uncomfortable! Even more uncomfortable is Charlie live-blogging the situation, giving a voice to the awkwardness. Other factoids: Arie once dated a single mom with not one but two children. Again, no one likes Kalon or his Louis Vuitton luggage. Just in case you forgot.

Eliminated:
Aaron the biology teacher
Kyle…who is Kyle?

Next Week

Arie goes to Dollywood…and gets the first kiss?
Chris gets the daredevil date: rappelling!
Someone makes an ostrich egg omelette

Bachelorette Emily

Episode 1: Anything can happen!

Well, it turns out my devotion to Ben’s recaps was short-lived. I watched the entire season, mostly to see how long Courtney could fool our would-be hero and (spoiler alert) he picked the model! One very messy Women Tell All later and we’d find the on-again, off-again fiancés engaged once again. And who says the Bachelor franchise can’t produce normal, healthy relationships?

The next romantic certainly hopes this will be the case: 26-year-old Emily Maynard. Wait, what? She’s a mom?? In case you missed this point, daughter Ricki was omnipresent in Emily’s intro- refreshingly lacking the requisite shot of the Bachelorette working out/running/emerging from the ocean partially nude. The viewers suffer through are treated to her tragic backstory for the millionth time: fiancé 1.0/Nascar driver/love-of-her-life Ricky was killed in a plane accident en route to a race. Later that week, Emily discovered she was pregnant with their first child.




Emily went on to “win”two-timer Brad Womack’s heart. The couple later broke their engagement but remained close friends.




Emily is looking for a “father for Ricki”- who is helpfully wearing a shirt with her name emblazoned across the chest- lest anyone forget Emily is a SINGLE MOM. The season kicks off in EmilyandRicki’s hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina (a franchise first) and Emily has “high expectations” so bring your A-game y’all!

Individual Packages

Bold* means I like him/he seems normal.

Kalon- 27, Houston, TX. Luxury brand consultant…whatever that is. Raised by single mom. GINORMOUS ego. Guilty of the much-hyped helicopter entrance, but “he would have walked here if he had to."

Tony- 30, Beaverton, OR. “Lumber trader.” Single father to son Taylor. Gives off a Steve Carell vibe. Tries the Cinderella shoe gimmick. I liked him until he said “Who has two thumbs and [insert highly improbable event here] This guy!”

David- 33, NYC. “Singer/songwriter” Hopefully is not as sneaky as Wes…but like most of the guys this season, gives off that familiar self-promoting vibe.

Ryan-31, Augusta, GA. Mentor for kids, trains pro athletes






Lerone*- 29, LA. Real estate agent. This guy seemed like he had everything together and deserved to make it through a few rose ceremonies…especially in light of recent events.

Charlie*- 32, Nashville. I don’t remember what he did for a living BUT he survived a balcony accident-induced brain injury and has an adorable bulldog. Later tries to bite the Bachelorette during one-on-one time. I thought this would go without saying, but fellas: Do Not Bite the Bachelorette!

Jef With One F- 27, Salt Lake City. This guy looks like an extra on Glee, not the CEO of a water company. Pulled behind limo on a skateboard. Really into himself.

Arie*- 30, Scottsdale via the Netherlands. Nascar driver! Can you believe the Bachelor team went there?? Well they did. And providing he is not as egotistical as most of the guys here, he is my favorite. I thought it was classy of him to tell Emily about his profession the first night and get her OK before progressing further.

And the Rest

Sean- 28, Dallas. Insurance agent

Doug*- 33, Seattle. Charity coordinator/single dad to 11-year-old son. Reminiscent of Ryan Kwanten. Definitely working the kid angle; letter written by his “son” wins first impression rose.

Jackson- 31, Fitness model. Uses pickup line/go-to Facebook quote of deepness: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.” UGH.

Joe- LA. Field energy exec. This guy was so energetic, he could be mistaken for an overenthusiastic Disney cast member. Or the reincarnation of Ryan the solar energy exec.

Kyle- 29, Long Beach. Financial advisor. Liked his turquoise tie.

Chris- 25, Chicago. Car salesman. Looks like young Randy Quaid. Shows shades of David “Man Code” Goodman. Gifts Emily with bobblehead dolls. Not creepy at all.

Aaron*- Biology teacher looking for chemistry. Looks like Chris Meloni.

Alessandro- St Paul, MN via Brazil. Grain merchant/conquistador. Speaks Spanish, long hair.

Stevie- Party MC. UH OH. Gets into it with Helicopter Guy aka Kalon.

Randy- Hermosa Beach. Pulls ‘the grandma’ as seen on Ben’s season. This cross-dressing gambit does not work with The Bachelorette.

Brent- 41, Fresno. Tech sales. SIX KIDS!!! I thought he was joking - as in referring to pets as ‘kids’ - but he wasn’t!

Nate- Accountant, doesn't matter.

John “Wolf”- 20, St Louis. Data destruction specialist.

Travis- Madison, MS. Had a Lady Gaga/6^th grade health class moment by bringing an ostrich egg that symbolized Emily and Ricki which he vowed to protect with his life. So incredibly nervous it was painful to watch.

Michael- 26, Austin. Rehab counselor with Rapunzel hair. Gifts Emily a guitar pick.

Jean Paul*- 35, marine biologist. Divorced. Not to be confused with Jordan Paul.

Alejandro- San Francisco via Columbia. Mushroom farmer. Spanish intro.

Ryan*- Pro sports trainer. HOT PINK TIE. Cute intro with note reading “You’re so beautiful” on one side and “I’m so nervous!” on the other. This is how you do it gentlemen.

Debriefing with Chris Harrison/Mixer

Chris Harrison is not his usual calming presence on the show and seems just as jittery as everyone else.

Emily declares herself the “luckiest girl in the world” in a fabulous dress, then segues into “Golly I’m nervous!”

1:02:00 First mention of “I NEED MORE TIME!!!” Simultaneous with first bleeped word of the season.

Battle Royale between Green Shirt and Helicopter Guy! Two enter, one leaves.

Well full disclosure: both of these clowns get roses.

Roses

With a perfunctory “You all exceeded my expectations,” Emily begins to dole out the roses.
 

Eliminated:

• Brent with 6 kids

• Jean Paul the marine biologist “It feels like my heart fell on the floor. And then got trampled.” Hey JP, you just met her!!

• David the NY musician

• Lerone- NO EMILY!!! Kick out the party MC or the egg guy!!

• Grandma Randy

• Jackson the fitness model…but not before he strips down on camera to show Emily and the viewing audience what she rejected. And they say this show has no dignity.

Preview
Scotland, Bermuda, London
Dolly Parton
Boat races
A day of forced playdates with kids
Kalon = evil?
Someone calls Ricki “baggage” earning a ladylike “Get the f*** out!” from our Bachelorette
Everyone cries

Mousecellaneous 

• Tally of Emily’s tragic backstory mentioned: 8
• Bachelorette darling Chris L gets a TV show: Going Yard 
• Want to date a celebrity? Check out The Choice June 7 on Fox. Looks like even celebrities are looking to take their own journeys of love. Rocco Dispirito? Tyson Beckford? Yes please!