Episode 3: Who’s Your Baby Daddy?

Mandatory Death-Defying Date: Chris

Well at least they’re climbing a wall and we’ll be spared all of the love-relates-to-something-terrifying clichés. Oh hold on a second. It’s really windy and there’s thunder and lightning and a crowd is gathering to witness imminent death a magical moment and wait a minute- Chris has something to say: “Climbing a building is definitely like love. You gotta start somewhere and we’re starting at the bottom.” What’s that? A rebuttal from Emily? “I want a man who stays by my side and Chris passed the test.” Did he really have any choice? I mean yes, it IS true love!

The pair is rewarded for living with a rooftop dinner where Chris reveals his age and dun dun DUN…he is only 25! Emily freaks out because she is a whole year older, but Chris reassures her by saying he went to college at 17…hm, so maybe a year before most depending on his birthday month. Whatever, it appeases Emily, moving on.

He gets a rose, a serenade from another country star (apparently?) Luke Bryan and gets the first kiss…after asking permission. Chris raves it was the “top moment of my life!!!” OK this is week 3 guys- better step up your game!

Group Date: Grilled by the Girlfriends

Emily welcomes the group daters to a park for what appears to be a pick-up football game, but she pulls a bait-and-switch. No you will not be spending a day in the park with me, but the Carpool Firing Squad:

Blonde Friend was a bit bossy, but also injected this segment with some fun: Take off your shirt! Do push-ups! Now DANCE!!! The so-what, who-cares attitude was reminiscent of SNL’s Bronx Beat sketch. Just substitute Sean for Jake Gyllenhaal. The girlfriends LURVED Sean!!! He was so aDORable and a “genetic gift to the world,” they marvel.

I don't compromise!

They did not like Travis and “Shelly” (good God, it has a name?) and Alessandro decided to shoot himself in the foot by admitting to one-night stands, cheating on an ex, dating his third cousin (!?!) and being a gypsy who cannot even commit to pets, prompting a stage-whispered ‘EW!’ from Blonde Friend.





When the guys finally reconvene with Emily, they still don’t get to spend time with her. She blows a whistle and bellows release the Kraken! Not really, but it summons a stampede of grade-schoolers so the men can show off their dad skillz.

Psh, that’s fine for the other schmucks, but Ryan’s not having it and crashes Emily & co.’s girltalk, basically dropping the bomb that he won’t love on her as much if she gets fat. Record scratch- whwhwhat?? This goes over like a lead balloon, earning gasps and silent nods of disapproval from The Friends and a dropped jaw from me at home.

 

Apparently, the men are dismissed from their playdate and get cleaned up for an after-party. Sean discloses that he is religious, looks to his parents as a matrimonial example and “selective.” Tony is a great guy because he was crying.

After dropping multiple Sad Backstory Bombs on Emily (re: father with epilepsy dying, being in and out of foster homes) Doug tries to comfort fellow single dad Tony but it’s no use. Great guy Tony goes home. Genetic Gift Sean gets the rose.

Love is a Wild Ride: Arie

We're not in DinoLand anymore, Arie.

Sigh, Arie. What a great date this will be. At least that’s what I said to myself as the pair visits Dollywood. Wait, what- Arie doesn’t know who Dolly Parton is? Emily’s never been on a roller coaster? Anything can happen! The two amble around the park hand-in-hand, then come upon an empty stage. Challenge: write each other a love song. An ominous, staggeringly high pair of heels click behind the curtain and who is it but Dolly Freakin Parton herself!


She serenades Arie (sigh) and Emily as they dance onstage, then dismisses Arie so she can give our Bachelorette (who adores her by the way) a heart to heart.

Racing and its hectic schedule resurfaces at dinner and Emily welcomes it saying they will each have room to do their own thang.

Rose for Arie. A carousel ride and LOTS OF KISSING. Magical Moment™!

Mixer/ Rose Ceremony

Kalon says those three little words every woman wants to hear: don’t interrupt me. UGH why is he still here? I don’t care about the ratings, he’s terrible. Alessandro continues his flaming descent that started on the group date by calling Ricki a “compromise.” Emily tries to give him an out by suggesting it’s a language barrier misunderstanding but Alessandro says no, no it’s not. Emily kicks him out on the spot and is visibly upset.

Arie proceeds to comfort her in the hallway- and by comfort, I mean make out in front of everyone. AWESOME! The Bachelorette is making up for lost time and Sean also gets some lip service after this little gem: “I see you and Ricki as a blessing.” Swoon.

Emily SMASH!!!

Emily smashes Shelly the egg, earning a celebratory Prost from everyone but Travis.

So many guys had already left this week that Em had only one more to eliminate and it was goofy MC Stevie. Boogie on outta here.

Follow your heart!

Next Week

Bermuda, cliff jumping, more kissing Arie J
Boat races, a ripped-off finger
Ryan the roaring egomaniac