Episode 9: No Fantasy Suite for You!

Clueless in Curacao

Dimples

After braving the relentless questioning of the ‘rents (or in Sean’s case, perfect ‘rents), the men are rewarded with fabulous Overnight Dates – wink wink – in romantic Curacao. Dimples’ only flaw so far is that he is the only man left who has not confessed his undying love. Sean and Emily head off for some quality time on their own private island, Klein Curacao. Sean talks about his ex-girlfriend and how he just wasn’t that into her even though marriage was on the table at one point. Sean tiptoes and beats all around the L Word with yummy-but-not-quite-satisfying bon mots like “I’ll be your soccer dad” and a poem to Little Ricki that Hallmark would kill for until finally arriving at the big I. LOVE. YOU. YES!!!

Now Emily feels comfortable asking if Sean sees engagement at the end of their love tunnel: yes, yes of course Genetic Gift Sean does. The Fantasy Suite card is offered and – through careful phrasing – the implications associated with Fantasy Island are politely declined. How refreshing! But still a little making out. I don’t know about you, but I am digging this kinder, gentler season of Bachelorette.

 

 

Hair

Jimmy Neutron and Emily brave the high winds to go boating near Klein Kip Beach. They are compatible in so many ways: they both want to be/love being parents, like jumping off boats and are having hair issues. If only Jef could master the same fashionable yet functional  bang-braid. In between gale-force winds, Jef has some heavy questions for our Bachelorette:

1.   Where do you want to live?

Em: Anywhere you are.

2.   You’re amazing. You attract amazing guys. 
     Why hasn’t it worked out?

Em: They were missing the X factor

3.    Do you think I’m a good fit for Ricki?

Em: A perfect fit!

Both knew going in that they would decline the Fantasy Suite card, but Emily was still a little miffed that Hair turned her down first.

Lips

Emily in voiceover: With Arie, it was immediate attraction…

Me:…Well let’s get to that Fantasy Suite then! Oh wait a minute- they actually need to talk? Hm ok…

Emily: What do you do on a typical Tuesday morning?

Arie: Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy!  But not until 9. Go to the shop. (?) Go out for dinner. Hang with my homies. You

know, totally responsible parent-y stuff.

Emily: How would you approach child-rearin’?

Me: Why is this only coming up NOW?!

Arie: I would befriend them, you know, not try to establish any boundaries or authority.

Emily: What great answers. Let’s make out!

This was basically all of the spoken dialogue on the date. The rest was *ahem* body language.

There were also some dolphins involved, which TERRIFIED Emily. Arie was very “protective” and extended a svelte racecar shoulder for support.

Previews kept teasing a HUGE DRAMA: someone would NOT be offered the Fantasy Suite card. Emily did not trust herself enough – and there’s no way Arie would have objected like our other gentlemen – to even offer him the FS card, so she did not even mention it. Sigh, all of this so-called “drama” this season’s Bachelorette keeps faking me out with does not give me high hopes for “the most dramatic finale ever.”

I had just texted my friend on what great clothes
Emily has worn. And then she does this.

Debriefing with Chris Harrison

Chris is noticeably sans wedding ring.

Hometown dates did not bring the clarity Emily hoped they would.

She has a difficult decision.
Like every week.

Video Messages

SEAN

Cynical about the process but now can confidently say he is in love. Can’t see himself living without Emily and/or Ricki. (One more time, in case you missed it) I LOVE YOU!!! 

JEF

Completely in love with Emily; she’s everything he hoped to find. Can’t wait to be a family and watch a thousand sunsets. What a poet.

ARIE

Lists all of the places they’ve made out. It all began with a carousel kiss, which begot a crush, which begot LOVE. My heart is always racing towards you. You make me more confident. You are beautiful inside and out and I can’t wait to remind you of that every day.

Rose Ceremony

Roses for Hair…and Lips! Aaaahhh!!! Poor Sean! I honestly thought this would be the end of Speed Racer’s journey. Sean is forced to take the walk of shame with Emily and rehash the bomb that was just dropped against a nicely-staged street corner. Sean remains the consummate gentleman and quietly offers, “If this is what’s best for you, then it’s what I want.”

In the words of Gob, I think you've made a HUGE mistake, Emily! Perfect Sean continues to break our hearts in the Reject Limo:

When Emily walked out tonight, I thought there’s my wife. It hurts more than I can describe. I’m feeling so many things: sadness, embarrassment. My thoughts this week were consumed with being a father and husband.

If only the power of positive thinking were enough. I can not stress how surprised I was that Sean was not in the final two.

Next Week

The Men Tell ALL!

Kalon Konfrontation

Ryan still thinks he’s The One

Chris and Sean = heartbroken