Episode 2: Muppets Tonight!

Be My King in the Queen City: Ryan
Ryan gets the first one-on-one date and is saved from Muscle Beach, also known as the “frathouse from hell on steroids.” Ryan’s pastor says: treat your lady like a queen and she’ll treat you like a king.” Well no argument there, Ryan’s pastor. While Ryan dreams of an extravagant plane or hot air balloon date, Emily actually has a day of groceries and cookie-baking in mind…which was sort of a fake-out.



After dropping off the baked goods at Ricki’s soccer game and a quick costume change, it appeared half of Charlotte turned up paparazzi-style to witness the pair have a fabulous dinner. But that wasn’t all: Gloriana was there to serenade Ryan and Emily as they slow-danced, and I’ll admit I was grinning like an idiot during this segment. Rose, natch.



Let's Set the Stage for Love: Group Date

Emily and the guys perform alongside the Muppets to raise money for a children’s hospital. The group was divided into three subsets who would be:

• Singing
• Dancing or
• Performing a stand-up comedy routine

To me, this was a little *ahem* unfair because coming up with a stand-up routine seems much more difficult than a little shimmying. The prospect of public speaking reopens Charlie’s insecurity about his speech following the brain injury. Even a pep talk from Fozzie Bear proves futile, so Charlie asks Emily if he could transfer to the group singing Rainbow Connection which she assures him is no trouble at all. The show goes off without a hitch. I liked Jef with One F’s impromptu proposal to Miss Piggy.

I laughed at Statler and Waldorf Chris Harrison’s banter: “It wasn’t half bad!...It was all bad!”

I cried when Emily invited Ricki onstage to sing Rainbow Connection with Kermit. And the performance raised over $20,000. So I’d agree it wasn’t half bad. J The after-party however was a different story…

Chris (bobblehead/ young Randy Quaid) seeks reassurance from Emily who tells him he’s “good looking.” But she also confesses to the camera that Brad was crazy good-looking and that didn’t exactly work out. Jef with One F is playing hard to get, which earns him a rose. Stevie the party MC starts slow-dancing with Emily. Instead of using the obvious steal ‘Can I cut in?’ Charlie instead tells the rest of the guys what’s going on, they ALL go spy on Stevie and Emily, then Kalon goes in for the kill. Of course because it’s Kalon, EVERYONE hates this but no one more than mortal enemy MC Stevie. Kalon goes on to do everything in his power to un-endear himself to all the single fathers (echo: All the single fathers!) by DARING to suggest that they have put their dad-ness on hold. WHOA WHOA WHOA: JUST CHECK IT. You are cruisin’ for a bruisin mister.

Long story short, "Chopper" cements himself as the resident villain from every teen 80’s movie: rich, arrogant and James Spader.

Come Close to My Heart: Joe
They literally roll out the red carpet for Joe aka Mini McConaughey who, despite an unfortunate shirt, is escorted via private jet and vintage car to the Greenbrier Resort in Emily’s home state of West Virginia.

What??

They go swimming and then change to allow for Emily’s staircase moment in a beautiful dusty rose gown. 

That's better!

They exchange love wishes and then place them in the love clock so they will stand the “test of time.” That time turned out to be very short-lived as Emily gave Joe the boot before their private fireworks show…which she ruefully watched from the balcony alone whilst Joe was whisked away in the Rejection Limo.

Mixer/ Rose Ceremony

Ryan with a Rose causes an uproar – AN UPROAR! – because Tony (Mini Steve Carrell) stays IN THE ROOM while Ryan with a Rose reads a seven page letter- nay, novel. Uncomfortable! Even more uncomfortable is Charlie live-blogging the situation, giving a voice to the awkwardness. Other factoids: Arie once dated a single mom with not one but two children. Again, no one likes Kalon or his Louis Vuitton luggage. Just in case you forgot.

Eliminated:
Aaron the biology teacher
Kyle…who is Kyle?

Next Week

Arie goes to Dollywood…and gets the first kiss?
Chris gets the daredevil date: rappelling!
Someone makes an ostrich egg omelette

Bachelorette Emily

Episode 1: Anything can happen!

Well, it turns out my devotion to Ben’s recaps was short-lived. I watched the entire season, mostly to see how long Courtney could fool our would-be hero and (spoiler alert) he picked the model! One very messy Women Tell All later and we’d find the on-again, off-again fiancés engaged once again. And who says the Bachelor franchise can’t produce normal, healthy relationships?

The next romantic certainly hopes this will be the case: 26-year-old Emily Maynard. Wait, what? She’s a mom?? In case you missed this point, daughter Ricki was omnipresent in Emily’s intro- refreshingly lacking the requisite shot of the Bachelorette working out/running/emerging from the ocean partially nude. The viewers suffer through are treated to her tragic backstory for the millionth time: fiancé 1.0/Nascar driver/love-of-her-life Ricky was killed in a plane accident en route to a race. Later that week, Emily discovered she was pregnant with their first child.




Emily went on to “win”two-timer Brad Womack’s heart. The couple later broke their engagement but remained close friends.




Emily is looking for a “father for Ricki”- who is helpfully wearing a shirt with her name emblazoned across the chest- lest anyone forget Emily is a SINGLE MOM. The season kicks off in EmilyandRicki’s hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina (a franchise first) and Emily has “high expectations” so bring your A-game y’all!

Individual Packages

Bold* means I like him/he seems normal.

Kalon- 27, Houston, TX. Luxury brand consultant…whatever that is. Raised by single mom. GINORMOUS ego. Guilty of the much-hyped helicopter entrance, but “he would have walked here if he had to."

Tony- 30, Beaverton, OR. “Lumber trader.” Single father to son Taylor. Gives off a Steve Carell vibe. Tries the Cinderella shoe gimmick. I liked him until he said “Who has two thumbs and [insert highly improbable event here] This guy!”

David- 33, NYC. “Singer/songwriter” Hopefully is not as sneaky as Wes…but like most of the guys this season, gives off that familiar self-promoting vibe.

Ryan-31, Augusta, GA. Mentor for kids, trains pro athletes






Lerone*- 29, LA. Real estate agent. This guy seemed like he had everything together and deserved to make it through a few rose ceremonies…especially in light of recent events.

Charlie*- 32, Nashville. I don’t remember what he did for a living BUT he survived a balcony accident-induced brain injury and has an adorable bulldog. Later tries to bite the Bachelorette during one-on-one time. I thought this would go without saying, but fellas: Do Not Bite the Bachelorette!

Jef With One F- 27, Salt Lake City. This guy looks like an extra on Glee, not the CEO of a water company. Pulled behind limo on a skateboard. Really into himself.

Arie*- 30, Scottsdale via the Netherlands. Nascar driver! Can you believe the Bachelor team went there?? Well they did. And providing he is not as egotistical as most of the guys here, he is my favorite. I thought it was classy of him to tell Emily about his profession the first night and get her OK before progressing further.

And the Rest

Sean- 28, Dallas. Insurance agent

Doug*- 33, Seattle. Charity coordinator/single dad to 11-year-old son. Reminiscent of Ryan Kwanten. Definitely working the kid angle; letter written by his “son” wins first impression rose.

Jackson- 31, Fitness model. Uses pickup line/go-to Facebook quote of deepness: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.” UGH.

Joe- LA. Field energy exec. This guy was so energetic, he could be mistaken for an overenthusiastic Disney cast member. Or the reincarnation of Ryan the solar energy exec.

Kyle- 29, Long Beach. Financial advisor. Liked his turquoise tie.

Chris- 25, Chicago. Car salesman. Looks like young Randy Quaid. Shows shades of David “Man Code” Goodman. Gifts Emily with bobblehead dolls. Not creepy at all.

Aaron*- Biology teacher looking for chemistry. Looks like Chris Meloni.

Alessandro- St Paul, MN via Brazil. Grain merchant/conquistador. Speaks Spanish, long hair.

Stevie- Party MC. UH OH. Gets into it with Helicopter Guy aka Kalon.

Randy- Hermosa Beach. Pulls ‘the grandma’ as seen on Ben’s season. This cross-dressing gambit does not work with The Bachelorette.

Brent- 41, Fresno. Tech sales. SIX KIDS!!! I thought he was joking - as in referring to pets as ‘kids’ - but he wasn’t!

Nate- Accountant, doesn't matter.

John “Wolf”- 20, St Louis. Data destruction specialist.

Travis- Madison, MS. Had a Lady Gaga/6^th grade health class moment by bringing an ostrich egg that symbolized Emily and Ricki which he vowed to protect with his life. So incredibly nervous it was painful to watch.

Michael- 26, Austin. Rehab counselor with Rapunzel hair. Gifts Emily a guitar pick.

Jean Paul*- 35, marine biologist. Divorced. Not to be confused with Jordan Paul.

Alejandro- San Francisco via Columbia. Mushroom farmer. Spanish intro.

Ryan*- Pro sports trainer. HOT PINK TIE. Cute intro with note reading “You’re so beautiful” on one side and “I’m so nervous!” on the other. This is how you do it gentlemen.

Debriefing with Chris Harrison/Mixer

Chris Harrison is not his usual calming presence on the show and seems just as jittery as everyone else.

Emily declares herself the “luckiest girl in the world” in a fabulous dress, then segues into “Golly I’m nervous!”

1:02:00 First mention of “I NEED MORE TIME!!!” Simultaneous with first bleeped word of the season.

Battle Royale between Green Shirt and Helicopter Guy! Two enter, one leaves.

Well full disclosure: both of these clowns get roses.

Roses

With a perfunctory “You all exceeded my expectations,” Emily begins to dole out the roses.
 

Eliminated:

• Brent with 6 kids

• Jean Paul the marine biologist “It feels like my heart fell on the floor. And then got trampled.” Hey JP, you just met her!!

• David the NY musician

• Lerone- NO EMILY!!! Kick out the party MC or the egg guy!!

• Grandma Randy

• Jackson the fitness model…but not before he strips down on camera to show Emily and the viewing audience what she rejected. And they say this show has no dignity.

Preview
Scotland, Bermuda, London
Dolly Parton
Boat races
A day of forced playdates with kids
Kalon = evil?
Someone calls Ricki “baggage” earning a ladylike “Get the f*** out!” from our Bachelorette
Everyone cries

Mousecellaneous 

• Tally of Emily’s tragic backstory mentioned: 8
• Bachelorette darling Chris L gets a TV show: Going Yard 
• Want to date a celebrity? Check out The Choice June 7 on Fox. Looks like even celebrities are looking to take their own journeys of love. Rocco Dispirito? Tyson Beckford? Yes please!

EPISODE 2: Whine Country

I gotta tell ya rose lovers, I am just not feeling this season. Me, a diehard Bachelor fan. An example of my rapidly digressing interest over the course of 3 episodes is reflected by my notes. [Yes I take notes; how else do you expect me to remember who is mad at whom?] 
Episode 1: 4 pages of notes
Episode 2: 1 page
Episode 3: no pages and the TV was on mute.
FYI you don’t need to necessarily watch The Bachelor with sound to understand what is going on. This sentence brought to you by Chandler Bing.
Continuing on this trajectory, by Monday I should be actively protesting the show. I will call it the Occupy Bachelor Movement.
It only took me a mere 12 days to dredge up enough interest to write the recap for episode 2, so building on that momentum: on with the show!

The Bachelor crew decided to change things up a bit and instead of just the final two contestants ladies being shown around the reigning Bachelor’s hometown, all 18 are whisked away to the wine country. Watch out Sonoma!

Sonoma Where the Heart Is: Kacie B.

The first one-on-one date is bestowed upon Kacie B, who proclaims herself “the luckiest girl in the world!” Ben makes the astute (?) observation that Southern women have a very “family-oriented culture” so he thought she would enjoy a downhome, laidback dinner/stroll/movie in downtown Sonoma.

It included baton twirling

an impromptu piano serenade (yes please!)

and a private screening of their respective home movies

...which after the reminder of Ben’s father made them both teary and they concluded the evening by making out. Rose.

Come Play With Me: Group Date

For the next segment, we forayed into the world of community theater for Prince Pinot of Bachelorville, which could only be the fevered imaginings of a person tripping on LSD. Or schoolchildren, apparently. The cast included a Valley Girl, a badger, a wizard, a gingerbread man and Ben in the titular role of prince-turned-sheep.

The “ladies” took part in an improv session for an audience of the children/screenplay masterminds and Blakeley thought this was an appropriate outfit:

The tragic onesie lives on!

Surprise! The curtain has not gone down– this was only a dress rehearsal for an evening show to be performed in front of a live audience, including Ben’s friends. And everyone gets costumes!

At the cocktail party later that evening, Blakeley ominously opened with “I’m a Scorpio and we are passionate.” Uh-oh. She proceeded to make out with Ben in the pool and gave Courtney a run for her money as most-hated girl in the house. In other news, the girls accused Courtney of not being a “real person” and “getting under our skin.” Kiss for Jennifer the accountant (my second-fave after Jamie the NY nurse) but the rose goes to passionate Scorpio Blakeley.

Let’s Spin the Bottle: Courtney

The second one-on-one goes to Courtney the model, who Ben lervs…because she is a model. He gushes that she is the “complete package” and might be “too good to be true.” Hm. Ben takes her on a romantic, low-key picnic with third wheel/best friend/self-proclaimed son Scotch the dog. Ben, look at those eyes! If dogs are good judges of character, what do you think Scotch is trying to say??

After much coaxing and an unfortunate encore of Ben’s crazy doggie voice, Scotch is forced to perform a song for Courtney as Courtney performs the proverbial song-and-dance that is dating by opining she “never gets asked out.” Wah! Rose for Courtney.

Mixer

The Blakeley Situation: Blakeley already had a rose but stole Ben throughout the night and fueled the other “ladies’” jealousy by acting overtly ridiculous, prompting cries of “Where are your morals??” Courtney live-blogs the BS: “It’s like a war out there!” The girls are pretty vicious to Blakeley and devolve to name-calling [horseface, toxic, toxic horseface] which sends the former Hooters waitress spiraling into a puddle of tears in the luggage room.

Jenna is up to her usual shenanigans [read: crying a river] and blows her one-on-one time with Ben by telling him she’s “not a girl…do you know what I mean.” I think she was going for ‘tomboy’ but Ben looks befuddled. Of course his hair contributes to an overall look of befuddlement anyway, so it was difficult to tell. Jenna runs to the nearest bedroom and commences with the crying. Ben finds both crying women and doesn’t know how to react: “The women are getting emotional!!!”

Rose Ceremony

Jennifer*
Emily
Elise- who?
Jaclyn
Erika
Rachel aka Busy Phillips
Lindzi “That’s me!”
Nicki
Kasey S
Samantha
Monica
Jamie aka brunette Blake Lively*
Brittney aka Kate Winslet

Our sensitive blogger has the much-hyped meltdown

If only your wizard magic could have saved you.

Next Week

San Francisco
Naked skiing
Ex-girlfriend comes back
Secret from Brittney

Odds and Ends

I found a surprisingly insightful blog by Ben’s long-lost Greek brother Constantine [Eat at Giorgio's!]

Rent the Bachelor mansion for $35,000/month

Next Bachelorette: Emily Maynard

Least surprising news of the night: Krazy Kasey arrested. Of course I’d be even less surprised if it were Vienna.

Ben's Vexatious Hair and Possible Makeovers

It might be more than a bad hair day when you are at Sundance hanging with indie darlings and your hair is more distracting than Michael Cera’s parole offender moustache.

As Ben continued to hover like a giant over women despite their 5” lady-of-the-night footwear, I found myself wondering how tall he is (6’2”) and after a quick detour to CelebtriyHeightAndWeight.com, I stumbled upon this fascinating expose on what rose ceremonies are like for Bachelor Ben. And they’re actually stressful for him too because he has to, like, remember everybody’s names and stuff.

Bachelor Ben: Episode 1

Welcome back rose lovers!

Wow, so much has happened that it is hard to believe our last ‘journey’ together ended only in August. By now I’m sure you know Ashley picked [spoiler alert] JP over Ben in an oft-aired rejection of Ben’s heartfelt proposal. (Ashley WHY did you let him even get down on one knee?? Honestly who is that cruel?) Good luck Jordan Paul.  I think Ben dodged a bullet on that one. It was refreshing that he reacted like a “real” person would. I think she was leading him on- hello night before! – and even though she thought he was “totally mean” I don’t think it was unjustified.

ABC picked Ben as their next Bachelor. I thought Ben would be too level-headed and rational to accept this offer…but then what guy would turn down boatloads of money, exotic travel and 25 women fawning over him? Not Ben! How about dating a gorgeous albeit grammatically-challenged minor celebrity? Also no! Well, maybe after one date, but then definitely no!

So that leaves us no choice but to embark on a new ABC-sponsored, booze-fueled journey to true love. Which of course is how all fairy tales begin.

For the record I thought Ryan would have made an excellent Bachelor (even though he was the third runner-up) because he’s just so darn positive all the time. An interesting idea for this season would be to have a tag-team double Bachelor with Ben and Constantine because they look like long-lost twins and basically have the same personality. But only if the producers could figure out a way so each would have their own pool of ‘ladies’ because I wouldn’t want them to fight each other…only to fight for love! Anyway enough with my ideas of what would be entertaining and on to reality…

The required intro portion of the show reiterated Ben’s rejected proposal to Ashley for the umpteenth time. And then, emerging from the hilly streets on San Francisco looking more Josh Groban-y than ever with a purposeful gait and triumphant music swelling, Ben intones in voiceover that he has moved on and is ready to look for love again in front of millions of viewers. Yay! The following montage depicts Ben partaking in previously unknown, completely divergent interests (piano…and kayaking?) to show that he’s just like the rest of us who love playing in a tribute band and crab fishing.

The “Ladies”

Here are the ladies who scored their own intro packages:

Lindzi- 26, Bellevue WA

She showed up riding a freaking horse people! And it won her the first impression rose.

Suffered text message breakup (ouch)

Amber- 28, Waverley NE

Critical care nurse

Kacie- 24, Clarksville TN

Administrative Assistant

Describes herself as “goofy and hot with touch of crazy.” Hopes Ben is seeking same.

Courtney- 28, Santa Monica CA

Model

Wants at least a 2 carat diamond. Good thing Neil Lane is part of the Bachelor equation, if she can hang around long enough. Oh wait, she’s a model- how silly of me. See you at the finish line Courtney.

Jamie- 25, Dryden NY

Registered Nurse

Grew up without a father, was granted custody of her siblings because of her mother’s ‘dependency issues’

My favorite!

Lindsie…doesn’t anyone use “Lindsey” anymore??- 29, Scottsdale AZ

Internet entrepreneur

Father was a diplomat, well-traveled… possibly crazy

Jenna- 27, NYC

Blogger/Romance writer/Carrie from Sex in the City personified

Shawn- 28, Phoenix AZ

Finance advisor, single mom

Nicki- 26, Hearst TX

Married at 21, divorced

Debriefing with Chris Harrison

Ben was sporting some strange hair and a skinny tie and he is NERVOUS. I just hope the Bachelor team has not completely revamped his wardrobe and we’ll see some trademark Mr. Rogers cardigans later this season.

Chris H: Tell us again about how it felt to be dumped on national television.

Ben: I’m thankful for the experience because it showed me I could love again. The worst has happened. I’m available now.

Chris H: Tell us again about how much you miss your father/best friend.

Ben: I didn’t realize the extent of its effect on all areas of my life. When I see a hummingbird, I interpret it as a good sign from my father. (Well 25 women waiting in limos could also be a good sign I guess.)

Chris H: Let the journey begin!

Limo Roulette

We had some interesting characters: Canadian Bacon, a lawyer who secretly wants to be a comedienne [You’re guilty…of being sexy!], an epidemiologist/germaphobe who went for the first kiss after disinfecting Bachelor Ben natch, Miss Pacific Palisades, a giant hat with a woman hidden somewhere underneath and…a grandma?? [Record scratch]

Sheryl*, a 72-years-young resident of Pueblo, CO exited the limo on crutches and declared her love for Ben…and then introduced our speechless bachelor to her granddaughter Britney. Phew! *Grandma of Britney will henceforth be known as GOB.

Once everyone was in the house, you’d think the corniness and gimmicks might subside…but you would be wrong! It only increased. Some of the shenanigans included a game of pick-up soccer/kickball, making Ben do pushups, line dancing and blindfolded candy tasting. So just the normal getting-to-know-you activities.

Catchphrases

I don’t know if the women were given some sort of loose scripts but EVERYONE referred to Ben as “adorable,” “real” or “genuine.” Do not deviate from these adjectives, ladies. No Ben is not sexy, he is adorable.

Equations

PhD ≠ rap skillz

Monica + Blakeley = self-described “lesbian crème puff”

Monica + Jenna + undisclosed amounts of alcohol = DRAMA!

Picked On

GOB- why’s everyone gotta be hatin’ on the grandma yo?

Courtney the model- this is a no brainer obvs

Lindzi and her horse

Basically anyone who scrounged up a microscopically larger amount of interest than the collective group

Rose Ceremony

Jenna, who was edited to assume the fabulous Carrie Bradshaw role in this journey, devolves into a crying hot mess. Jenna is "extremely sensitive” and milks the victim card throughout the night trying to gather recruits against Monica, who is terrible…because she laughs at everything when she is drunk? Yes, that translates to pure evil. Sigh, why do I like this show? Jenna tracks down Monica and demands to know why she doesn’t like her [um Jenna, you guys are all competing against each other. Just an FYI] and proceeds to lock herself in a broom closet and continue sobbing.

She must be lured out so the rose ceremony can begin.

 

Roses for:

Nurse Jamie (yay!), Rachel, Blakeley, PhD Emily, Kacie B from TN, Kasey S in a sheer dress, Britney GOB, Erica sparkly dress, Single Mom Shawn, Divorced Nicki, Accountant Jennifer, Elise, Pageant Queen Samantha, Model Courtney, Jaclyn, Salt Lake City Monica, Crying Jenna

Season Overview

Model behavior from Courtney including but not limited to scheming and skinny dipping

LOTS of crying

A little fainting (thanks for setting the bar, Ames)

Ben holding a ring, editing suggests he may get rejected again

Female voiceover ominously doubts whether she is ready to be a wife and mother