Des rolls up in the sky blue Bentley lookin fly.
Brooks: Whatever we’re gonna do,
I’m STOKED!
What are they doing? Trying on
wedding attire. Also known as most guys’ nightmare date. (Remember William
& Ashley’s Vegas faux-wedding date?) Fortunately, Brooks is not most guys
and he LERVS playing dress up with Desiree.
Brooks looks like Kalon’s
non-evil twin in the leprechaun-green suit.

After a costume change, it’s back
in the Bentley for some off-roading…down a blocked street.
Des: Let’s just move it and keep
driving!
Brooks: Uh…ok.Brooks to camera: I was a little concerned!
Oh please. Like your Bachelorette handlers would let anything happen to you.
Hark, yonder! Do you hear what I
hear? It is a dinner and private concert by Andy Grammer (singer of “Crazy
Beautiful” in first episode). Significant relationship groundwork is laid as
Brooks reveals his parents divorced and he saw/heard little from his father
during his teenage years. He remains positive however and insists there is so
much to be grateful for in life.
Dancing. Kissing. Running fingers
through Brooks’ luxurious mane.
This date gave ME butterflies! Rose, naturally.
Group Date: Who’s Here for the RIGHT REASONS™ ???
True confession, one of my friends called at the end of Brooks' Hollywood date, so I watched this segment on mute and it made absoluteley NO SENSE. WHY is there a group dance number?
WHO decided a bunch of white guys rapping was a good idea?
Most importantly, WHERE were Brandon's pants?!?
If someone said, ‘Hey they’re making a music video on The Bachelorette’ who would you guess is the guest music artist? If you said Soulja Boy, you are correct! He is pretty much the last person I would have guessed, but the Bach’ette gods say it is so. I was sure this would be a disaster (and the “rapping” was) BUT having been a faithful viewer, the lyrics made this segment absolutely *priceless.*
Guys with the most star quality
were given roles like:
Wes- the dastardly guitar-twanging villain from Jillian’s season,
played by this season’s resident baddie, Ben
Jason Mesnick- played by Michael G, a self-described “white guy.”
Hey Michael G, I don’t care if you ARE
a nice-looking federal prosecutor from Miami
Beach ; if you can’t rap, you can kiss your rose
goodbye!! At least that’s what I imagine Desiree would say.

Hey guys, let’s keep it PG. Or perhaps……
“…Rated R!”/whatever that Canadian wrestler guy’s real name was from
Jillian’s season. I lit'rally
Laughed Out Loud when I saw James in that “Rated PG-13” shirt. Well played,
Team Bachelor.
Check out the final result here:
At the mixer, Zak W shows Des
he’s got more than a killer set of abs: he’s also got a killer heart. I mean,
big heart. He gives her an antique journal that’s never been written in…aside
from a sweet inscription from an ancient father to his daughter. Naturally this
brings me and Desiree to tears. AW.
Ben steals Des away from Mikey T-
which is a BIG mistake. Big. Huge. Ben’s seen Mikey T, right? He’s like three times the size of an average male.
James ominously intones to camera
– and shortly afterwards, everyone within earshot – that his Spidey senses are
tingling. Well, he actually called it his “man’s intuition” (mantuition?) and
it told him that Ben is not there for the RIGHT REASONS™!!! And this is
happening AT the Right Reasons™ rap video afterparty?? This simply won’t do!...I
mean, Shawty don’t play dat! Snap snap.
As James and Mikey T are rallying
forces for their Anti-Ben Army, Brandon is spying on Ben and Desiree. But not in
a creepy way. In a “I love you SO, SO much even though it’s only week 2 and
I’ve spent a cumulative 45 minutes with you!” kind of way from the Bachelorette
mansion roof. Ok a creepy way. Anyway, as Brandon
is confessing via voiceover how CRAZY he is about PERFECT Desiree, Ben does the
unthinkable and kisses her. J’accuse!
Mikey T corners Ben and accuses
him of not being friendly with the other competitors for Desiree’s heart.
Ben diffuses
the situation by complimenting Mikey T’s green-soled shoes.
It is comical how
easily this works…
Meanwhile Brandon strides purposefully
towards our Bachelorette while his voiceover reminds us AGAIN how great Desiree
is and she is like a perfect angel from heaven and he has to talk to her and
she needs a great man and he thinks he could be that for her blablabla. Once
together, he immediately launches into the tragic backstory of his mother
leaving when he was 11 and he raised his two younger siblings. And he can’t
wait to have his own kids. Subtle.
Despite the posturing efforts of everyone
else, slimy Ben gets the date rose. Boo.
Bryden: Road Trip
Bryden: I knew I was about to
have an AMAZING day!!
Does anyone think Bryden has
anything but amazing days? This guy
has the best voice. Seriously, he sounds and acts like an action movie star.
Somewhat awkwardly at times, but we’ll get to that later.
![]() |
I've decided Bryden looks like John Corbett. |
Desiree rolls up in the Bentley
and announces she is taking Bryden on a road trip because he has never even
been to California, y’all! This wrong must be made right on a sojourn from the
Bach’ette mansion to El Matador Beach to Orange Grove to…Ojai? Yes Ojai…apparently.
They fly kites, pick oranges and eat fish tacos just like real California pros.
![]() |
Look how much fun Bryden is having! |
Bryden reveals he doesn’t know what brie is. HAHAHAs ensue. Oh Bryden, you
mountain man. Desiree attempts to make him a smidge more metrosexual at the Ojai Valley Inn & Spa.
My question is…Why?! You have your own personal war hero, just bask in the
glow baby. What, couples massages and private pool? Ok, maybe just this once.
Over a candlelit dinner, Bryden
reveals he was in a serious car accident his freshman year of college and gives
Des the laundry list of injuries sustained: collapsed lung, broken collarbone,
broken vertebrae, etc. He was concerned he may not be able to fulfill his
lifelong dream of joining the military, but fortunately he was. “That’s why I
live life to the fullest each day.”
The night ends in the swimming
pool (don’t they always?) and after some awkward questions, Desiree blurts out,
“Just kiss me already!!” Bryden obliges. Rose.
Rose Ceremony: Diabetes-Gate!
Okay I was going to let it slide
in the first episode, but Desiree really needs some cheers-giving pointers.
Most of what she says is post “CHEERS!” and subsequently covered by the merry
clink-clink-clinks of 19 glasses.
Early in the evening, Michael G
reveals to Desiree that he has type 1 diabetes. Just as it is getting really
good and dramatic, BEN swoops in and steals Desiree! Snap-oh NO he didn’t!!
Michael G makes a bee-line for Mikey T and officially submits his papers for
the Anti-Ben Army.
Meanwhile…
Brandon looks like a straight-up
gangsta in pinstripes.
Zak K makes a list of “Things I
Like About [Desiree] So Far…” Zak W’s antique journal is still the gift to
beat, gentlemen.
Sing me no song, read me no rhyme, SHOW ME!
Back on the couch…
Ben says, “No one knows about the
first kiss…or this one!” Smooooch.To be fair, that was a pretty smooth line BUT something about Ben just doesn’t sit right with me.
Showdown: Ben vs. Michael G and
everyone else
Michael G calls Ben out: Don’t
lie to a prosecutor! You were overheard saying other guys came on Bachelorette and turned their 1 bar into
a chain of five!
Ben defends himself, “I did it
for me and Des!...For love!”
But what about the Right Reasons™ Ben?
Brian literally sweeps Desiree
off her feet and carries her somewhere else in the house. She ominously asks him when his
last relationship was- foreshadowing, perhaps?
Desiree gushes to camera, “There’s
so much husband material here!” then begins handing out roses.
Eliminated:
![]() |
No! |
Robert. WHAT??? The hot one?! Claims it’s an “absolute nightmare.” He’s probably never been rejected before. It IS a nightmare. Fortunately he’ll probably never go through it again. He is the brain behind sign twirling, after all.
Nick M: “I feel rejected.” Simple, obvious, to the point. Yeah Nick M didn’t bring enough drama to the table.
Next Week:
Dancing on the side of a buildingMore shenanigans from Sneaky Ben
A pig’s secret girlfriend revealed!
![]() |
WHO is the lying, cheating, deceitful PIG??? |
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