Beginning the season with a bang
is the prerequisite “death-defying/bonding through terror” date. Showing shades
of Emily’s NASCAR date, Sarah’s constant war of one arm vs. her sense of
adventure vs. California
Perfect Sean is able to coax
Sarah into taking the plunge (relationship metaphor alert!) by shimmying closer
to the edge of their transparent platform until finally flinging themselves to
the safety net concrete below. Back on solid ground, they enjoy a candle-lit meal and Sean
gives her the rose- and the first legitimate (read: non-drunken bride) kiss of
the season.
Group Date: Just Shoot Me!
The ladies coo over Prince Sean as he
saunters onto the balcony of a beautiful Southern colonial. The coo-ing turns to squealing after learning they will be posing with Sean for a Harlequin™ romance
cover shoot- with a REAL contract deal at stake. Oh yeah, and some alone time
with Sean or something.
The ladies dress up as cowgirls, Southern belles,
Kardashians and vampires (This is still a thing?? Twilight is over people…let it die! Or turn to dust in the sun or
something.)
Politico Lesley is up first and wastes no time planting one on Sean
“for art” and happily obliges the other women’s catcalls to rip open his shirt.
Well to be fair, five minutes is longer than I thought he’d make it fully
clothed with this group.
TiError is acting out her own version
of Mean Girls scoffing at Kristy The
Model’s hair extensions and irking Robyn and the trapped attentive hair
stylists.
 |
| Does this look like a sweet girl to you? |
She flips the switch for Sean through doubletalk and
compliment-fishing, earning a: “I don’t think there’s a catty bone in your body…I
could tell you were sweet five minutes after meeting you.”
 |
| I'm an excellent judge of character! |
Meanwhile, Yogateer Katie- or
someone resembling Katie with supersized humidity hair set from Stun to Kill- ponders
self-terming because she’s not as aggressive as the other girls.
Kacie B lends
an ear, but can barely suppress her excitement as she talks Katie into going
home and proceeds to inform The Others. Katie wishes Sean the best on her way
out. I am just noticing Kacie B has an almost identical laugh to Sandra
Bullock’s Miss Congeniality character.
Naturally Kristy The Model goes
on to win the contract, but Sean gives the date rose to Mayor of Friendzone
Kacie B for “putting everything on hold to find love.” I’m not feeling the two
of them as a couple, but Kacie B provided us the best That's What She Said of the night: “I’m not going to quit because
something’s hard and uncomfortable!”
Desiree: Love is Priceless
On this episode of Punk’d, Sean wants to see if his woman
has a good sense of humor…by incriminating her as the destroyer of a piece of
art and orchestrating a confrontation with the artist. How fun! This is
reminiscent of Ashley H. proving she had a sense of humor by forcing her guys
to participate in a roast…of her. Prompting one to ask if the already-insecure
Bachelorette actually knew what “roast” meant before agreeing to the infamous
ego-shattering, verbal bloodbath that was to follow. Fortunately for Desiree,
Sean waltzed in before emotions ran TOO high with ze artiste and she took the
“joke” in stride.
The rest of the date consisted of
getting’ busy in Sean’s kitchen. Making dinner, that is.
Followed by a little
swimming/make-out sesh to round out the evening.
Lest we forget how All-American Sean is, he wore the American flag as swimtrunks in a getup more literal than the
Team U.S.A. gear designed
by Ralph Lauren™ for our Olympians last summer.
Desiree rocked a purple bikini.
In addition to their sartorial statements, the pair marvel at how close they
already feel to each other. Rose for Desiree- Captain America
Mixer/ Rose Ceremony
Amanda oscillates between a “dark
energy” with the women...
...to Janice the sunny, guitar-playing Muppet with Sean.
Turns out drunk bride Lindsay is
completely charming when sober.
“Oh no! I’m developing feelings
for EVERYONE!!!” complains Sean. What a dilemma.
Robyn plays the Race Card and
pretty much asks Sean if she is wasting her time. Sean seems a little too enthusiastic
to answer…it’s as if Team Bachelor is coaching him in response to a lawsuit presented during
Emily’s season claiming that the show is too white. Sean goes on to list all of
the ethnicities of women he has dated…which comes off more racist than
intended: “I LOVE that you’re asking this question! The last girl I dated was
black. I’ve dated Hispanics, Persians…” I am impressed by the adventurous shades of lipstick the women have chosen tonight.
Leaving Broken-Hearted:
Brooke, community organizer. Diana, single mom of two.
We hardly knew ye.
Extra Extra!
Need to dump a guy and want
someone else to do it for you?
